Conversations with the Guide

Anxiety Assignment 1 - Batch 2
3/17/2023

Turning around to face my biggest anxiety/fear (loneliness, abandonment) and take a really close look at it stopped me from running away from it in a panic. Yes, it was a fear of not being able to stand it--that was the actual anxiety-source. Everything new now. 
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Good for you! Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is not just a bully, it’s a coward. It gets by with what it gets by with because people were made afraid so long ago—long before we can even remember. As little, tiny people we got yelled at and punished and we learned to be afraid. (Those of us who are parents needn’t fall into a pit of guilt/self-hate for having destroyed the lives of our children. We had no choice, just as our parents had no choice, and just as our children will have no choice. There’s nothing wrong with any of it!) We’re afraid and when sensations and feelings that signal “this is scary and awful and means something horrible is going to happen to you,” and then voices give us scary messages, we get frightened and try to run and hide. Pretty intelligent, really. Got us through childhood and we have no proof it wasn’t necessary. However, here we are now, big people, ready to show ourselves that we can stand anything. We’ve stood everything so far, even things we were told we couldn’t stand, and that same old, same old voice threatening that, “Well, you were lucky before but this time…” really is old news. Great job!
Gasshō
 
Anxiety is a signal that I'm out of my depth and unable to perform as others do. Having a difficult childhood where I was continually berated left me feeling inadequate compared to others. These feelings cause me to hide my thoughts for fear of being discovered and ostracized. R/L Gassho
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Well, I know how strong the conditioning is to believe and accept that sort of narrative, but it just isn’t true that it’s unusual or unique. We were all compared, and even those we thought were the superstars getting all the adult accolades turned out to be just as insecure as we are. If you read along or listen to folks in practice, that becomes clear quickly. Because of the privileged environment, people in Sangha don’t know one another personally, but I know pretty much everyone and I can assure you the people struggling with your same issues are very successful members of society. All the hiding out does is to protect ego. The reason people can reach adulthood—even old age!—and still believe this stuff is that they listen to ego tell them to hide out, if they don’t they’ll be seen and abandoned, so they hide out and continue to believe the lies. This guarantees that ego remains safely in control of a human’s life and life force. Risk it! We know who/how you are and haven’t ostracized you! Here’s a word of caution: You know the people in your life who judge and criticize you. Don’t start by baring your soul with them! If you feel safe with Sangha, be yourself with Sangha—which you are and do already—and accept that you are accepted as you are. That’s proof that the ego voices are lying to you. Gasshō
 
Many anxieties identified with different ages, sensations and times they appear. Some obvious, some sneaky. Deeper exploration is the identity of simply being the "anxious person" in general‚ practicing with disidentifying from that one. Fear of thinking I have no control of outcomes is the resistance to just being present.
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It sounds as if you know we have no control of outcomes. True? If you know that, you don’t have to entertain any voices talking to you about having control. You can just remind yourself and the ego voices that there’s no such thing as control. We’ve been talking a bit so far about children and how the messages from childhood will still run a person’s life if the person isn’t paying attention. The belief in control is nothing more than a big person version of a form of the magical thinking that occupies the world of a child who has no idea how anything works. (As much as people want to believe that doesn’t go on in the very rational mind of the adult, it not only goes on, it runs a great deal of the show!) For instance, my favorite example: “You should have known better.” This belief, embedded in childhood, has people convinced that it is possible to know what cannot ever be known—what is going to happen in the next moment. The whole notion of being able to know what’s going to happen “next” is insane, yet people deeply, deeply believe it’s not only possible, but they should know and it’s their fault if they don’t. Control is an illusion, and, yes, helping a person realize that gives them the life ego has been taking away from them. Gasshō
 
Due to incessant ego yammering, low grade "anxiety" is the default mode whenever attention is not on Awareness. Redirecting attention thousands of times a day to Thisherenow is the most effective (seemingly least utilized) anti-anxiety medicine. Am building up to "thousands"; am currently at "dozens" on a good day... Gassho 
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Well, that’s what Awareness Practice is, isn’t it? We’re training. This is where sports analogies are so appropriate, even if annoying. Steph Curry? We might need to count the numbers of times he’s thrown a basketball at a hoop in the hundreds of thousands. In the beginning he probably missed a lot of those shots. Now, not so many. Over and over and over with, as one of our heroes says, a consistent and persistent good attitude. Why would a person want to do that? Because there’s something the person wants more than they want to hang around with ego’s persistent and consistent bad attitude. That’s us. If we don’t practice awareness for the love of it, for the LOVE of All That Is, we might as well just hang it up. If we love it, if we love the human being we’re attempting to end suffering for, we’ll do it. Doesn’t matter how long it takes or what we have to get past. It’s LOVE and we love it! Gasshō
 
I face fear - the battle begins over and over until it feels like I won't survive. Yet with daily practice and sangha - I get back on my feet - after a long period of darkness - again any yet again. I survive, surrender with gratitude on my knees.
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Well, I’m going to go out on one of those proverbial limbs and make a suggestion one might find on an organic granola box or tea bag: You’re not just surviving, you’re thriving. True? Okay, I bet the voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate will shriek their imaginary selves hoarse at the mere mention, but I’m going to stick with the projection. The one thing we can know is that there’s no such thing in life as coasting. We’re either ascending or we’re descending. It may take us a while, especially if we’re in close conversation with the voices of ego in conditioned mind, to realize we’re sliding downhill, but sliding we are. OR, we’re in ascent. Again, could take us a bit to realize it since the ego voices are violently intent on convincing us we are no such thing, but rising we are. We have to encounter what we need to transcend. Ego wants to make each encounter—with it!—a mistake. We should be past this, through this, way beyond this point by this time. Not true. Each encounter is a new one. We don’t want to lump them all together as ego would frame it. We make it past one hurdle. We’re racers! What does that mean? We have another hurdle coming right on up. That’s how we get stronger, better at getting past hurdles. THRIVING! Gasshō
 
Saw that "anxiety" is a label for sensations (the snakes). The conditioned response is to use them to DISTRACT the human from Being, Here. The prompt to look at the sensations was all it took to see them for what they are and get HERE. Big thank you!
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You are so very welcome! The ego voices would love to use what you said against people so let’s just confirm right here and now that that’s not necessary. Here goes: When we face something squarely, anything that ego is threatening us with, that’s all that’s required to see through it. True, that doesn’t mean it won’t try to return and work its evil magic on us again, but that particular bamboozle will be on its way out. We have learned thousands of skills in our lifetime. With each of those there was a learning curve. We don’t see it, don’t see it, don’t see it—boom! See it. With math, a sport, a hobby, even if there are negative voices there ragging at us, we want to learn. We’re trying to look at it squarely. Looking squarely at what ego has made so frightening for us is much more difficult. But the process is the same. We have to really want to see it and see through it. Gasshō
 
Anxiety hovers around, attempts to seep into the body and mind". Longstanding experience of sensations, urgency, so much to do, heart pounding, something wrong. Practicing in early morning to simply observe all this on awakening, and not engaging/believing in the process allows curiosity, dis-identification. Come back here, home. R/L Gassho
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As we practice in the way you describe, here/home becomes more familiar and more desirable. We want to be in that stillness, the peace and quiet of thisherenow. We’re looking for it, seeking it in a way that withdraws attention from ego’s shenanigans. First-thing-in-the-morning practice is wonderful because we’re stronger, not so “pulled down” by what the ego voices do to us all day long. Adding stopping each time we’re aware of the busy/urgent sensations for that same kind of curious-just-watching-and-not-believing practice moves the “getting home” process along quickly. Gasshō
 
Anxiety/worry I have notice in the last few years has played a major role in my life, something I used to think was other people, not me. I can see also that it's another thing form of conditioning, that I can consider letting go!
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Well, I hope you’re going to do more than “consider” letting it go. Living in the dualistic “world” of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, we humans get pulled back and forth between “it’s all a disaster and will get worse” and “it’s all going to work out and be fine.” In this country that shows up clearly in how few people prepare at all for their financial future. There’s a belief that somehow, against all experience, something is going to happen for them that will make it all ok. You point at a process that, if attended to, could replace suffering with peace and freedom. In the yearlong retreat it was recently noted that being in awareness, practicing awareness, is easier earlier in the day. As the day goes on the ego process beats a person down until, for lots of folks, getting to the end of the day translates into “how can I go unconscious as painlessly as possible?” That happens on a daily basis and that happens as the years go by. The lifeforce weakens and we have less oomph to use to go up against ego’s torture campaigns. Said in a simpler way—the moment we see a way to end suffering, it’s wise to hop on it! Gasshō
 
Don't understand; too much; can't do this.' Ringing ears, brain; breathing shallow; heart pounding; stomach churning. Run self-hate gamut zipping light-speed between past and future. Overwhelmed, unable to focus.. Not meant to see: giving story attention causes suffering; I'm adequate to experience; ending human's suffering in moment accomplishable with presence.
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Whew! Grateful we got to that conclusion! Yes, ending a human being’s suffering can be accomplished with presence. Your description of how egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate operates is spot on. What on earth would make a person think there’s a way out?? The campaign ego wages to fuel the suffering it feeds on seems overwhelming. The ego voices are certainly telling us suffering is inevitable. Which is so very important to catch on to. The information about the inevitable, overwhelming nature of ego’s power is all coming from ego! It’s an impressive campaign, but merely its own story nonetheless. Let’s all imagine for a moment that the negative “you” voices (you can’t, you should, you shouldn’t, why did you, they think you, it’s too much for you, too hard for you, you’re never going to…) ended. Went silent. What would the world look like? What would your life, “you” be like? We believe the hatefulness and we suffer. We don’t need to. Ending a human being’s suffering is accomplished with presence. Gasshō
 
"Imaginary anxiety hides unshakable confidence." That's my headline from this assignment. I see that the meaning that gets attached to the sensations is the real problem! It creates the "something wrong" and fear that is called "anxiety". Without the meaning, it would just be sensations. R/L. Gassho.
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That’s it in the proverbial nutshell. Human beings can be conditioned into believing anything. We have been! Advertising is proof of it. We’re so brainwashed to look “outward” at whatever “reality” is being offered up by the voices in the head that it’s massively difficult to get it that the “reality” we’re living in is being created by the voices in the head, not by what we’re seeing “out there.” Once we see that, once we know where to look, all becomes much easier and clearer. The question, “What does that mean?” brings us the curiosity that takes our life from suffering to fascinating. What does it all mean? As you’ve noticed, “it” doesn’t mean anything. “IT” “IS” and because IT IS, we ARE, and because we ARE, IT IS. “Imaginary” is the world of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate and we don’t need to have anything to do with it. Gasshō
 
All-Encompassing Black Ink Blob. My sense of anxiety is NOT just suddenly, overwhelmingly present as I once thought. It's a process that I can step into and dismantle after examining the feelings, sounds and inner dialogue. Like a squid squirting her ink, the blob is preceded by a hidden fear.
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The “blob” is preceded by a fear that was hidden, yes? Now you’ve seen it. Now, as we were just talking about with your neighbor, “anxiety” has been replaced by interest. Now we’re scientists, explorers, detectives, with the insatiable curiosity of a child. Now life is fun, fascinating, amazing, thrilling. Now we can see that “same” is a lie, that we don’t need to try to change anything because everything is changing in seconds so split we can’t conceptualize the duration. Figure anything out? Understand? Know? Get guarantees? Worry? Are you nuts??? Thisherenow is All That Is, and we don’t want to miss one of those split seconds of it, do we? Gasshō
 
Brilliant, unnerving, ego-triggering visualization! A hard assignment, until it dropped in that fear equals aversion. Began to see ‘my' fears as aversions on steroids. Then, how all dislikes are fear containers, and how fears become big dislikes. All resistance to being with what is. Snakes are; I chose the fear.
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Bingo! Snakes are; we have to choose the fear, the anxiety, the dread, the horror, the suffering. Not separate from snakes? They’re fascinating. Separate from snakes? We see them as other, a danger, a threat and suffering is inevitable. With ego, everything other than it and what it wants is a snake to be frightened of and avoided. When we see through the scam, as you note, we realize that the only “snake” is ego. Then, the fun begins, right? Ah, I see. Fear equals aversion. Dislikes are fear containers. Fears and dislikes are synonymous. All of it is simply serving to give ego a safe place, a cozy “container” in which to, like the parasite it is, live on the life force it siphons out of the human being via “you don’t want that, you don’t like that, you hate that, you never do that, that’s too scary, you’re going to fail and look foolish, everyone dislikes you, just stay home and stay safe, don’t risk anything, you’re not up to it….” Gasshō