Conversations with the Guide

Anxiety Assignment 1 - Batch 10 - Final
3/25/2023

I’m not meant to see ego is negating the joy of witnessing Life unfolding, reframing it as an uncertain future. It generates hope of an “improved” future, then feeds on that energy—you’re not good enough—through to despair, the back and forth concealing the close proximity of joy.
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The very good news about this approach is that while it seems as if it’s three “issues” (negating unfolding and reframing as an uncertain future, hope of an improved future, and the despair of being told you’re not good enough), it’s actually only one—a belief in the validity of “proximity.” If joy is in close proximity, then while it’s nearby, it’s not available now. Something needs to be different—sounds as if that comes down to you improving to be “good enough”—and when that difference happens, joy will be here. Joy is not in close proximity. Joy IS. Joy, actually JOY, is a synonym for HERE, for BEING, for LIFE. So, why is that not our experience? Because we’re not looking at JOY, for JOY, through JOY, In your case it’s because rather than eyes on JOY, you’re looking at something wrong/not enough. “Am I feeling the joy of witnessing Life unfolding?” “No, you’re not,” answers ego. “Joy is not available to you because your future is uncertain. Joy could be yours if your future were better, but since you’re not good enough to create a better future, well, no, not in the cards for you.” Nothing joyful about that, is there? We can make it more concrete this way: “I want to experience red. I really, really want to see red. I so hope one day I will. It would be so wonderful to live in red.” This is what I think about, sitting in a field of red flowers, lamenting the “fact” that there’s no red for me. Want JOY. Give all the attention to JOY and JOY will be yours. Gasshō 
 

"Thoughts Thwart Feelings" When bodily sensations draw attention away from thinking or unconsciousness, with sustained effort, usually results in noticing a buzzing sensation in the middle abdomen. Staying with it, the vibration consumes the body with painless, sometimes profound shaking that usually lasts a minute or so. Gassho.
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How exciting! It sounds as if you’re describing attention moving out of the head, where it’s consumed in unconsciousness, and brought back to the body, where you can actually feel the feeling of feeling alive. You must let me know what evolves, please. The vibration is painless; the body is not resisting. Going to be interesting to learn what egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate has to say and wants to do about this! Ego does not take lightly interference with its program of rendering its “subjects” unconscious! It truly hates it that we’re waking up. Gasshō
 
What I'm noticing: anxiety protects me from doing something that self-hate will really beat me up for. Energy sucked up to maintain it. R/L is an intervention into the process: releasing energy, lightening the heavy smog, caring for the human without judging, cultivating freedom and joy.. begin and continue repeatedly. 
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That’s big. We’re never supposed to see through a hoax like that. Anxiety is protecting you. If you didn’t have anxiety to come in and take care of you, you might do something that you’d get a beating for. What a load of horse pucky! But, until we see it for what it is, it seems/feels real. Lots and lots of people have wanted to convince me that fear is necessary and good because it keeps us safe. “Without fear what would stop us from just walking out into traffic?” I suggest intelligence as an alternative! Little kids are made to be afraid because adults believe they have no other way to protect them. What rarely happens is that someone comes back around when we’re old enough to understand to let us know 99% of the information we got as little kids has absolutely no application in an adult life. Sadly, for that information to be delivered it would require someone who has the information, and almost no one does. Thankfully, we do—now! Gasshō
 
Be the right person or you're going to hell. Seeing the constant low grade, barely perceptible vigilance, tension, fear of fear. Seeing the fatigue that results from trying to control // be the right person. Little things tap into the underlying stream of anxiety. Practicing with recollecting. Releasing. Gassho R/L
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The real information there is: Spend your life trying to be the right person and you will be in hell. It’s truly insane. People are so willing to believe messages that are cruel and hateful, and have so much difficulty accepting messages that are kind and loving. Why? Fear. It’s better to live in hell now than risk not living in hell now and winding up in hell later. The old “a bird in the hand…” just doesn’t seem to cut it. It is for this reason that awareness practice is so essential. No one can convince us of this stuff by telling us. Fear won’t let the information in. But we can pay attention, see for ourselves, prove it to ourselves, and be free. Gasshō
 
Magic trick of energy vibration. There is a sensation of vibration in my solar plexus. Some times a sense of danger. Breathing stops in anticipation of what happens next. Magician moves me to think fast what this means. Then a relief of understanding and now I can breathe again. R/L
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Are you “thinking fast” or are you “seeing clearly”? Is it “understanding what it means” that gets you breathing again or is it letting go of labeling the energy vibration “danger”? Gasshō
 
The theme of the anxiety/fear/ego was last week "Stuck in Ambivalence/Heartbreak," this week it's "Worry about Dental/Financial/Health." Now I see the main headline "Alone, Helpless, Hopeless." 
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Are you also seeing that anxiety/fear/ego always has a headline? Always an assessment of you and your life, and none of them is ever good? There’s no “Brave Human Lives Successfully Despite Ego Negativity.” No “Remarkable Person Survives and Thrives.” No “Person Sticking with Plan to Overcome Ego.” None of those? Nothing like that? How come? What’s the payoff here? Do you know the Woody Allen lament of, “If only insecurity and neediness were attractive”? Just for your consideration: You are clearly not alone. I’m here writing to you. Probably talk with you on a regular basis. You have an entire Sangha engaged in the same process of ending suffering you’re in. You are clearly not helpless. You’re here. Alive. With a computer and internet access! And, finally, you are only as hopeless as you want to be.  It might be time to start giving some attention to all you have and see if the list is longer than the list of what you don’t have. Gasshō
 
It is easier to see snakes and just be in constant terror of them than to deal with the true feelings (and conditioning) that lurk behind those snakes. Things like fear, lack mentality, grief, sadness, and more fear and grief.
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Really? It doesn’t sound easy. Terror of the imagined versus facing what is so? The only reason that sounds reasonable is that you haven’t tried facing it. The woman who was for decades acknowledged to be the world’s foremost expert on grief and loss, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, stated that an authentic emotion doesn’t last more than 20 seconds. 20 seconds! So, what’s happening that people live for days, weeks, months, years in fear and grief? They’re not in fear and grief. They’re in a bunch of stories that keep making them afraid and sad. If you spent all day watching first a scary movie and then a sad movie and then a scary movie and then a sad movie, you would feel either sad or afraid all the time. You just would. That’s how it works. But, if you spent all day with Life as Life is, periodically you would be moved by something that put you in touch with fear or sadness. You would be HERE, you’d be present, you’d see the sensation and the label and the emotional reaction and the behaviors that have been associated with that sensation, and you would see a whole lot about Life and you. Here’s my best encouragement: Those are not “true feelings” lurking behind those snakes. Those are ego bamboozles and they are there to rob you of the beautiful life you will have when you stop giving them attention and instead give attention to Life as Life truly is. Gasshō 
 
Practiced looking at anxiety when I could remember. Saw deeply ingrained patterns of intense pressure to turn away from it immediately with numbing/distracting behaviors, increasing suffering exponentially. In the instances when I was able to STOP, DROP & LOOK, I saw that using awareness techniques brought presence and peace.
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And there we have it! Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is desperate to keep us from looking at what is so. DESPERATE. Numbing, distracting, beatings over numbing and being distracted, promises of pleasure, delivery of pain, anything to keep a person from facing what’s happening squarely. Why??? Because we won’t be able to stand it? Because it will be so awful we’ll take one look and die? We will be so injured, so damaged that we won’t be able to go on? NO! All that hysteria is in place to keep us from seeing there’s nothing there. Why is the Wizard of Oz so popular? Not the movie, just the image of the little guy behind the curtain? Because we know that’s what’s going on. Does “knowing” that give us the courage to pull back the curtain? Not right away, but it doesn’t take many of those “stop, drop, and look” moments to give us all the courage we need! Excellent. Gasshō
 
What I noticed in exploring the exercise and the sensations labeled anxiety was how much self-hate and denial of the human being there was in the constant refrain of "I don't want to feel this way." R/L
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Perfect. Precisely. It’s not about you, is it? That’s not you saying, “I don’t want to feel this way.” That’s the quintessential body-snatchers-ego-takeover. We don’t know we’re identified with ego. That identification is so old and so familiar that of course this is me! But it isn’t, is it? It’s a life-taking, energy-sucking system that is using a human being like a crop. Growing the energy through self-hate, judgment, criticism, denial, and negating and then harvesting that energy for its own use. What it sounds as if you’re seeing is “In fact, I DO want to feel this way. I want to feel this way and that way and every way a human being can feel. I am a sentient being and I want to be sentient. I don’t want to be told how I must think and feel and be! I want to be fully alive and live every moment of my life!” Yes? Oh, I do hope that’s a correct reading because, if so, the message is very inspiring! Gasshō
 

Anxiety Assignment 1 - Batch 9
3/24/2023

What becomes subordinate in awareness practice with anxiety is being present to this life. I can choose not to participate or collude in its campaign by refusing to be attendant to its ongoing messaging and instead go into sensation. Anxiety sets up choices of reaction and invisibilizes opportunities for reflection.
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It’s nigh onto impossible to see the constituent components when they’re all superglued together. Anxiety is a superglue. Could be argued that all labels are. All words are. Alan Watts tried to help people to see the danger of living in words in the head by offering the image of a hungry person walking into a restaurant and eating the menu. Your choice is a good one. Drop all the “it’s thises” and “it’s thats,” and turn attention to the sensations. As you tease them apart and see past the labels, as well as the beliefs and assumptions attached to them, those constituent components will become clear and obvious. Now you’re Here. Here is where we get to see it all. Here is where we see through the ego scam and where conditioned reaction is exchanged for a response to the moment. Gasshō
 
Existential constant worry absolutely my experience. Body tense, uncomfortable. I'm talked into not taking care of body so the physical bad feeling is perpetuated. Constant repetitive what's wrong obsessing in the mind, and a feeling of digging in the heels, I get so talked into going with it. R/L Gassho
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It’s addiction. We’re all addicted to egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. We got talked out of being with our Self, long ago, way before we can even remember. We bought the lie that what we are is a person, separate from/other than the rest of life. Alone, isolated. We’re in survival. It takes us a fair bit to realize that what’s surviving is ego and that we have been tricked into making ego’s survival our priority. You believe ego is you. That system of negativity is what you believe you are. You can’t see that it’s a voice in your head telling you to worry and what to worry about, making you tense, convincing you not to take care of yourself, banging on endlessly about what’s wrong, being resistant. You can speak the language of “I get talked into,” but what you’re not seeing yet is that it is ego talking to ego. You’ve yet to realize that the only way you could know what is happening is that you’re watching it. You’re seeing it, hearing it. You’re not doing it, you’re observing it. That clarity will drop in at some point and your relationship with the whole process will change dramatically—in a moment! Until then you get to keep doing what you’re doing—practicing. Paying attention. It’s plenty and it will take you to where in your Heart you know you’re going. THISHERENOW. Gasshō
 
Headline - "Research finds that anxiety has the ability to manifest itself through physical pain!" It causes me back, shoulder and buttock issues. It is a mutli-color blob that all mixes together to make a big black ball. Through causing pain, it has the ability to capture all my attention.
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Well noticed, clearly stated. Yes, it does. A while back we were talking about ego as the superglue that will take disparate threads and solidify them into a nasty ball of misery. Or pain. I truly hope you will stick with this exploration, and I hope everyone reading along will join you. Because what you’re catching on to is HUGE. In the moment, when we’re Here, with Life as the moment unfolds, everything we need is available to us. Everything we want is also available to us, but that’s a slightly different discussion. You feel a twinge. Attention goes to the twinge. What is it? You don’t know. At that point you can watch conditioned mind kick in with all sorts of “answers.” The more you watch, the more you will realize the ludicrous nature of the process. Ego is throwing any and everything at it. You will quickly see that all the suggestions are ones that will trigger you. Yes, that’s very difficult to see because the things that trigger you, trigger you because you believe they’re real and true. Brain tumor. Cancer. Gonna be crippled. Whatever is the worst a person can imagine is going to be the result of that twinge. Now, it’s got a person. Right? But what’s the alternative? Should we just ignore it? What if it really is serious? Well, it might be, and our best chance of knowing whether it is or isn’t is staying present, in the moment, with Life, where the Intelligence That Animates is informing us. Not where it WILL inform us, where it IS informing us! There’s a balance we can find when we’re following Life’s guidance. We’ll be able to take care of what needs care and ignore the rest. This applies to EVERY aspect of Life. Gasshō
 
Looking through the looking glass and don't know who is there, my partner or me. Is my partner me or me her or someone else? "There is no self and other as the awareness of pure undisturbed consciousness slips into all consciousness." Gassho
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Well, I’m not sure this is what you’re wondering, but it will be an excellent thing to explore, win, lose, or draw. Everyone is you. Everything is you. You are projecting all of it—you, her, them, that, those. All of it. There’s only a looking glass and no way through it. There’s nothing on “the other side.” There is no other side. There’s only thisherenow and no one to step back and see that. We can be it, but we can’t see it. So, what to do? Nothing. All we’ve got is “pay attention.” Pay attention and we’re at the vantage point: Awareness. Those questions about you and your partner are being asked, wondered about, in conditioned mind. That’s a terrible place to be unless we really do want to keep on suffering. Slipping into all consciousness is possible when we let go ego noodling and get HERE. Gasshō
 
Awareness is operating all the time. All I need to do is bring myself to the assignment/experience/material. Awareness does the rest. In contrast to ego story, "I have to everything by myself." What I'm not meant to see is revealed: How supported I am in this moment. R/L Gassho
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BINGO! Now, write that bingo in really big letters, color it in bright colors, hang it up where you will see it all the time. (Paint a wall with it!) That is so it. And, here’s the best part of all: That’s true not just in “this” moment. It’s true in every moment! Gasshō
 
"Don't take your eyes off the snakes" has shown me ’anxiety' is ego self-hate. It's always there, using any means to keep me scared and controlled. ‘Anxiety' is an opportunity to see it. Other ‘fear' is more subtle, and under the radar, but equally if not more dangerous. Gassho R/L
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Great point. We sort of get dulled to the milder forms of ego control, don’t we? After a while we don’t even see fear for what it is. It’s just being careful, cautious, concerned, intelligent, responsible. It can even be framed as paying attention, aware. Life is dangerous. We have to be smart about things. Yes. It’s more dangerous because it operates so completely under the radar as our friend, confidant, and supporter. My pal, fear. Anxiety, of course, would love to be perceived in the same way. Anxiety is there when things REALLY ARE scary, REALLY ARE dangerous and threatening. When we REALLY DO need a big warning in a hurry. Except, as we’re noticing, fear is controlling people and anxiety is killing people. Is the expression that the cure is worse than the disease? Blessedly, we can realize we don’t need either of those “supports.” We have Life and there’s nothing to fear in Life.  Gasshō
 
I noticed that my "anxiety" was mainly based on the fear of not being able to handle what was in front of me or what might come later. The sensations of clenched teeth, tense stomach, and hunched shoulders felt similar to what I feel when experiencing worry and dread. 
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Yep. All the same thing: worry, dread, fear, anxiety, concern, nervousness—panic. All include clenching, tensing, and hunching. When caught in any of them, what we’re unable to recall (Recollect) is that we’ve always been able to handle everything that’s been in front of us. When what might come later is an issue it’s because it’s happening now, and we’ve always been able to handle what’s happening now. Such a bamboozle! We believe what we’ve been tricked into believing, in spite of all evidence to the contrary, and we refuse to accept what is so, in spite of all our experience. Can make us feel crazy until we realize the magnitude of what repetition is capable of. This is what’s true, this is what’s true, this is what’s true. As little kids we hear that about a kajillion times and finally we give up and say, okay, it’s true—even though we know full well it isn’t! That’s not true, that’s not true, that’s not true, that’s not true. Yeah, it’s true! But how long can a little person swim upstream against a rising current? Okay. I give up. Yeah, that’s not true. And off we go into our lives knowing what we know, in our hearts, and trying to be all right living the lies. Is this true for everyone? Nope. Just us lucky spiritual types! Gasshō
 
Like the woman in the story, I often wake from sleep with the said affliction. Worry about "problems" that will, if not dealt with urgently and correctly, lead to a terrible future state. How does it feel to address these "problems" from center? That's the shift I'm going for.
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Not to give anything away, but… here’s how. Ignore them. You’re in bed. You’ve been asleep. Is there anything you can do about said circumstances? No. All that’s available is to worry. Now, worrying will eventually kill a person, but what worry will NEVER do is solve a problem. Never. Why not? Because worry is worry and solving is solving and one process does not lead to another. Here’s an example one can hear people refer to regularly. Big issue. Huge problem. Agonize. Suffer. Churn the brains into mush. Exhausted. Can’t go on. Drops in: mow the lawn, wash the car, do the laundry, clean that window you’ve wanted to clean. Partway through the project, HUGE BOLT FROM THE BLUE! Got it. See it. Wow. So simple. So obvious. Know what I mean? So, what happened? Attention was locked in on a fight to the death in conditioned mind between ego and ego. That battle took up the whole universe. No room for anything else. On the way to mow the lawn/fold the laundry/polish the window, attention left the ego drama. Attention moved HERE, to this moment. As attention shifts to HERE, there’s an opening and Intelligence takes advantage of it. Solution appears. Miraculous. Years ago, a woman came to see me at the original ZC in Mountain View. She was a doctor of something or other, doing research at nearby Stanford. She wanted to check in with Zen about something she was doing. Here’s what she described: “When I have a big issue, some gnarly problem, I do all the research I can on available information. Everything I can find. Then I go into my office, close the door, put my feet up on my desk, lean back in the chair, close my eyes, and wait for the answer.” THAT is what we’re talking about! Life wants us to be successful, but won’t force success on us. We have to do our part—show up and be open. Worry is the antithesis of show up and be open. Gasshō
 
Sensations I have labeled "anxiety" intensified before my piano lesson. During R/L it dropped in to breathe into the sensations rather than go into the negative predictions about how poorly I would perform for the teacher. The sensations remained but I didn't engage with them. Enjoyed the lesson!
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That’s fabulous. I do wonder if part of the issue might be “perform for the teacher.” Is that what’s going on? Is that the reason for taking piano lessons? To perform for the teacher? Gasshō
 
Didn't recognize anxiety until It showed up around having to be prepared before getting on RLB calls and in the queue. The more I look, the more I see the subliminal program/process of worry and fear - coping and "controlling" by ignoring, pretending, and stubbornness. Eager to explore further! Gassho R/L
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Isn’t it remarkable what we don’t see?? We really are trained animals. Not “like” trained animals. We are trained animals! I wonder sometimes if what we enjoy so much about very small children and non-human animals is their untrainedness. They mirror for us what we’ve lost. What we can have again. Freedom. Looking to one’s self for direction. Choosing direct experience over “the right answer.” A little kid can stack blocks until all the adults in the room are ready to implode. Kids get “moved along” regularly because they can stay in one place way longer than the adults can tolerate. A cat or a dog can just “lie there” for long periods of time if nothing of significant interest stirs them. What are they doing? Perhaps they’re not doinganything. Perhaps they’re just being, just alive, as we were before we got information about “not being enough” and “doing” being the end-all, be-all. However, if we want to see that subliminal program/process you’re catching on to, we need to reactivate that “just being” skill. We can add paying attention, noticing, presence, if we need that to feel more “on it.” As we observe our fellow animals and little kids—more “on it” than we are, friends—we can quickly see that what they’re really “doing” is being attentive, aware, present. Yes? Gasshō
 
Often there's no voices but nauseating body sensations. I experimented with matter of fact stating what the voices wouldn't come out and say. A very direct, "Ok, what should we do about these snakes?" The sensations faded. They do not seem to standup to the light of clear direct communication.
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I’ve never met an ego process that could stand up to the light of clear direct communication! That’s why communication is so very unpopular! It’s true. When people simply express, honestly with no blame or shoulds, owning their own experience, what’s going on with them, the snakes of suffering go Poof! So, why wouldn’t we all just communicate that way? Because almost everyone is identified with egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate all the time, and egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is in the business of suffering. Not feeling it. Causing it. Ego doesn’t suffer. Ego gobbles up energy, lifeforce. Lots of misery, lots of energy, lots of big, juicy meals for egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. Does that just make us stupid? Or rotten? Evil? Why would we go along with that? Because we don’t know that’s what we’re doing. We don’t think we’re identified with ego. (Suggest to someone that they are and they’ll be mightily offended. “How dare you?!”) That’s why there are two Job #1s in awareness practice. First #1 is to end the beatings; second #1 is to learn to recognize when we’re identified with ego. The second one is actually much harder than the first. That “matter of fact” communication you’re experimenting with is a powerful tool for addressing both #1s. Gasshō
 
Aggregation of external information; Mindful aware noticing of my felt-sense experiences; Readjustment of my orientation to my two primary forms of anxiety (fear-based beliefs and frustration-based solutions processing); Habitual coping mechanisms and reactions still remain in lieu of "substantive" change and adaptation; Stuck in habitual survival-oriented physiology and psychological cycles
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To be fair, don’t we want to say that you have been stuck in habitual survival-oriented physiology and psychological cycles? If you were still stuck, we wouldn’t be having this exchange. Would we? Yes, it is possible for a person to get bamboozled into “trying” all sorts of approaches to address suffering just so ego can tick off each one with a “another one that didn’t work.” But that’s not what’s happening here, is it? If that’s correct and you really do want to have a different life experience, here’s a suggestion: Pick one thing to practice with, just one. Doesn’t have to be anything big or remarkable. If you’re in the Yearlong Retreat you know we’ve been playing with little, utterly insignificant activities such as making gasshō before walking through a door or stopping each hour for 5 conscious breaths. (We’ve done pat the top of your head or the tip of your nose 3 times—nothing is too small for us.) The point is to choose what you want to practice with and then do that. Do it for a week. It’s not to create a win/lose, feel good/feel bad situation. It’s to begin to be more present. Begin to break up those habitual, survival-oriented cycles. And it will. You’ll be more present. The more present we are, the more present we want to be. Little by little ego’s grip on us is loosening. There are those gaps, spaces where Intelligence can get through to us. We feel that. Recognize it. And we like it! Gasshō
 
 

Anxiety Assignment 1 - Batch 8
3/23/2023

As I sit and notice the sensation in my stomach, I feel the tightness. As I sit longer, it's connected to tightness in my chest and armpits. Underneath all of it is fear, fear that I will completely deflate and not have the energy to deal.
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Yes! Underneath all of it is a story, a “conversation,” likely images, of what’s going to happen to you, what it all means. You’re feeling sensations, tightness and they mean “you’re going to completely deflate and not have the energy to deal.” But they don’t do they? Those sensations don’t mean anything. They’re just sensations. If those very same sensations managed to appear in your body on a bright, sunny day after a great night’s sleep you would never conclude “these mean I’m not going to survive.” It’s a program. First comes a “thought.” Very likely not a thought like the ones we’re used to, the ones in full sentences. Just one of those images, memories, flashes of something that signal danger. The reaction to that is the sensations. The reaction to the sensations is the fear—I’m not going to make it. The “deflate” is an interesting piece of the puzzle. The fear is that you will completely deflate. Why the addition of the word completely? Because you’re already “being deflated.” The egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate program is already sucking the energy out of you. You can feel the energy leaving, feel what would likely be experienced as defeat and hopelessness. Yes? You are on this! Keep watching and the power will continue to shift. Ego will no longer be able to do what it does to control you and siphon off your lifeforce. You’re now in a position to watch it, and it cannot do what it does while being watched. Gasshō

When I lead work meetings with colleagues more experienced than me, attention is easily drawn to ego's pushing of the human to say the right thing, the smart thing. If I get hooked into it, suddenly I am mumbling, dropping sentences, wishing this meeting was over! Gassho
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What a perfect description of what happens to us when egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate grabs the attention. It’s a variation on the “you’re going to miss the shot” theme. You’re going along doing just fine…then the campaign starts. “Say something smart. You need to come up with something good.” Now you’re not with the people in the meeting, you’re off in a conversation with ego in conditioned mind. Not that you’re participating in the conversation with ego in conditioned mind. You’re watching/listening as the voices talk at you. You’re getting further behind, less in contact with the real meeting, the one in the room you’re sitting in, the one you’re supposed to be leading. Anxiety is growing. The more anxiety there is the more attention is focused on the anxiety, the nervousness, the growing panic. Yep, you’re a goner! Watching it as you’re doing makes it very clear that while we’re meant to believe all this concern about “getting it right” is to take care of us, it’s nothing but sabotage, all to feed the ego. You’re going to blow it, get a ton of abuse about what a failure you are, have to listen to endless diatribes about how you need to change, do it differently next time, getting set up for the next verse in the same old song. Fortunately, as a practitioner of awareness, you have the answer: Expanded awareness. Now you get to be in that meeting with attention on awareness. You are participating with your colleagues in the meeting, attending not only to what’s being said, but to all the signals of what’s going on with each person. You also are aware—in much the same way—of what’s going on with you at every level. You’re seeing, hearing, speaking and you’re watching what ego is attempting to do to pull you off, hook attention on it and run its slimy game. Oh, such fun! Gasshō

Anxiety is a conversation in conditioned mind. There is an event /experience/ sensation and that's that - but conditioned mind begins a relentless, often sotto voce campaign to make the case that I am in danger due to that. Tension or agitation builds in the body as a result. R/L
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All that I was going on about with your neighbor, but so much clearer and more succinctly stated! Thank you for that. In reading the way you lay it out, we can see that much of the tension, agitation—anxiety—is simply the result of attention being pulled in two directions at the same time. “Look over here!” “No, look over there.” “No, look over here.” “No, look over there.” A lot of folks are not good at “multi-tasking.” (This is where I reference the research that showed multi-tasking is an illusion created by not actually attending to anything, but believing we are because attention can move so quickly between things. In other words, as with much that ego has convinced us is so, it’s a fiction.) Many people strongly dislike being interrupted when they’re focused on a task. It’s upsetting. Attention is tunnel vision on one thing and gets pulled to something different. No time to shift gears. Hmm… perhaps a good place to look for the “source” of that tension in the body, the stress, the sensations. Gasshō

My anxiety feels like tightening in the chest and heart pounding, heavy and uncomfortable. Triggered by fearful thoughts. Underlying theme seems to be lack of safety, vulnerability: something could go wrong that could give rise to negative consequence, and it would be my fault: control, the unknown, fear and guilt involved.
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It’s a giant, unhappy, misery-producing “package,” isn’t it? The clarity with which you’re seeing this positions you perfectly for Recording and Listening. Do you have an R/L practice? Here’s why I suggest it. You are very aware that the whole thing rests on “fearful thoughts.” It is absolutely the case that what comes first is a belief that we’re unsafe and vulnerable to bad stuff happening. What came right along with being convinced that life and the world are dangerous was the lie that we can, we should, make sure nothing bad happens to us. It’s up to us. If you’re the right person all will go well. (This includes getting what you want and living happily ever after. Rich, young, thin, and gorgeous.) If you’re the wrong person, you’re going to get pretty much the opposite of what the right person gets—and, yes, it will all be your fault. Now, there is not a speck of truth to any of that. Not a bit or a smidgeon. But, we’ve all been brainwashed into believing it is truth coming directly from the Chief Deity. So, it would be a very fun experiment to replace those fearful thoughts with what’s true. What’s true? We’re all going to die at some point. Anything might happen between now and then. And, between now and then, in each and every moment, there is far, far, far (keep adding those until we hit infinity) more good stuff than bad stuff. First, we’re here. We’re alive. Let’s go from there. We have a body that gets about, senses to take in beauty, to appreciate, to enjoy. Start down that path and you’ll have joyful, TRUE, information about you and your life, and you will lose all interest in giving any attention whatsoever to fear-mongering creep voices whose only intent is ruining your/our glorious life. Gasshō

ESCAPE or you will DIE! Buzzing sensations in solar plexus, feelings of aversion labelled "dread." A story of future torture. Whispered promise: "if you don't look it won't happen." When I stay present, the intensity of escape-urge screeches: "STOP: you'll explode and die." Thankfully, also notice a gentle presence holding.
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And yet you did not explode or die. Oh, my, you don’t think those hysterical voices are lying, do you? Maybe just wrong? Well, if they’re wrong about that do you suppose they might be wrong about other things? Every thing? This is very good, isn’t it? They were wrong about you exploding. Wrong about you dying. Wrong about their predictions. Seeing all of which is what awareness practice is all about. What’s the truth? The TRUTH. We each know, in our Heart, in the Center of our Being that there is something more than the incessant nay-saying negativity of the ego voices in the head. We know happiness and beauty and goodness and kindness and generosity and compassion and LOVE! With all of that, all known to us, why do we persist in giving attention to hatefulness and ugliness rather than love and beauty? Why? It’s what we’ve been taught to do. What we’ve been programmed, trained to believe is the right way. Now we see it isn’t. Now we’re noticing a “gentle presence holding.” Now we get to choose THAT. Gasshō

(Per my good friend): Anxiety feels like pressure on my mind and body. I hold my breath to not be seen or heard. I make myself small, to avoid any attention. My mind is on high alert and I'm at war for my life. I feel hunted, wrong, and bad.
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That’s so heartbreakingly sad. It’s so heartbreakingly sad because it’s so unnecessary. There’s absolutely no reason for it. I have a child. I love my child. I adore my child. I never want anything bad to happen to my child. So, I lock my child in a room—to keep my child safe. Is my child going to be happy? (Let’s all answer that question for ourself.) Of course the person at war for their life feels hunted, wrong, bad—along with every other negative known to humanity. OF COURSE. Now we must ask the truly salient question: Is it worth it? At what point do we get it that the worst is already happening to us? What could be worse than hiding out and feeling horrible all the time? We’ve just got to risk it, right? It’s like the exploding person we heard from a bit ago. There was no explosion! No one died. What happens when we stop believing those hideous self-hating lies? We get to be FREE. We get to be ALIVE. We get to ENJOY and be HAPPY. For the LOVE of God—and Goddess—we have to RISK IT! Gasshō

The process of investigating anxiety was at first elusive: I had a hard time differentiating between all the thoughts swirling and attacking. I felt like I was in a spin cycle. Not clear cut, but what I was able to kind of see was that Anxiety is Conditioning and vice versa.
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You found the off switch for the spin cycle! Excellent. Now you get to see what happens when the spin cycle is off and how it gets turned on again. This is very exciting, isn’t it? Notice, please, that conditioning wants to say you were able “kind of” to see that anxiety is conditioning and conditioning is anxiety. You didn’t “kind of” see that. You saw that! Ego would like you to spend a lot of time and effort figuring out something you’ve already seen. Don’t fall for it. The label “anxiety” is what the sensations, emotions, and stories created by egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate are called. Put together wheels and a chassis and a motor and such and we call that a vehicle. Is there any such thing as a vehicle? Not really. We could take apart all the pieces and we’d never find one called “vehicle.” Same with “anxiety.” No such thing, but we’re trained to go with labels and react accordingly so we suffer over a lot of stuff that isn’t real. Gasshō

Anxiety around my elective dental procedure this month, causes breathing to be difficult. I feel alone and fearful, but then remember that I was guided to trust this decision. I then relax, and breathe into the knowing that all is well. I let go and trust the healing process. Gassho
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There’s much to be careful about in that approach. Or perhaps, aware of, is a better way to talk about it. We can feel “guided to trust a decision,” but that doesn’t mean the outcome is going to be what we want. All is well, but, again, that doesn’t mean all is well as we think it should be or want it to be. Letting go is crucial. Frees us up, let’s us relax and enjoy; yet, again, it doesn’t mean anything is going to go in a particular way. When we look back over our lives we can recall countless times in which we made a decision, going with the very best we could see, hoping for a particular result, ending up with a whole bunch we didn’t like/choose/want. When we come to the present, we can see how much we learned in those very situations, how we grew and changed, and how each juncture has played a critical role in bringing us here, now. Yes? We cannot control. Wishing and hoping usually precedes disappointment. We make our best call, and what we trust in is the goodness of Life. All is for us, for our wellbeing, leading us to greater freedom and joy. Might be a great deal of pain and “I don’t want this” from ego, but ultimately, as we say yes and accept, we get to appreciate the wisdom and generosity of the Life living us. Gasshō

Anxiety seems contagious. Recollect immediately breathing deeply, calming with the guide, compassion and kindness. R/L Thank You!
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Contagious and, apparently, currently an epidemic heading toward a pandemic. But we don’t need to get caught up in it, and we certainly don’t need to perpetuate and spread it. It can stop with us. Will that have any great result for anyone else? We don’t know. It’s kind of like wearing a mask. The battles still rage over whether wearing a mask is/was helpful or not. Why? Well, the first, most obvious, answer is that ego thrives on discord, opposition, separation, and unhappiness. But we’ve been conditioned to want to know. Knowing is how we can be right, and being right is how we can survive. It’s kind of funny in a situation like the masks. If you think wearing a mask will help, you wear a mask. Does it help? Who knows? If you think wearing a mask doesn’t help, you don’t wear a mask. Does it matter? Well, the statistics currently are strongly on the side of, yes, masks are a good idea, which is why health care folks wear them. But does wearing a mask mean you won’t get sick? Won’t die? Nope. So, what are we talking about here? Seems to me it comes down to this: See what you feel best about. Do that. Don’t worry because you know we have no control and what happens happens. Relax. Enjoy. If nothing else, we’ll be more relaxing for others to be around. Can’t stop the epidemic, but we’re doing our best not to exacerbate it! Gasshō

Anxiety is a Matter of Perspective. What I call anxiety involves sensations in my body, often leading to fear. Old pervasive pattern. Ego make me "anxious" about getting my needs met and feeling alright about myself. Seems like an effort to survive. Ego can't control change. Embrace guides perspective. R/L
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So perfect! It’s all a conversation about what might happen, what could happen. What if you don’t get your needs met? I bet there have been thousands of times, probably many thousands, when your needs didn’t “get met.” And here you are just fine, dandy, and practicing growing awareness. How many times have you listened to voices in the head working overtime to make you feel bad about yourself? Yet here you are getting right along through a wonderful life. It is a matter of perspective and the perspective we’re focusing on is, right here, right now, all is well. Might something go haywire down the road? Probably. It has, bunches of times. Do we want to miss our lovely NOW for an imaginary “then”? Uh uh. We’re learning to call those sensations “thrill,” “excitement,” “pleasure,” and go with enjoying the lifeforce that animates us. Yes? Gasshō

Noticing. Everything's a clue. Difference between anxiety (ego story) versus something that needs attention. Anxiety says something's wrong. When noticing anxiety symptoms, can instead ask what needs attention and attend to it because I know anxiety is a lie. Presence always knows what is needed. R/L
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“Presence always knows what is needed.” Indeed. And we have to be HERE if we’re to know what that is, right? If we’re off, caught up in one of ego’s OMGs, we’ll miss the moment. What was in that moment will be lost to us. We miss the opportunity and here comes the beating. “You should have… Why didn’t you…” “If only you had…” Yeah, we certainly could have if we hadn’t been bamboozled into following the ego voices down one of those very familiar rabbit holes. Is this the time to feel bad? Absolutely not. (That’s the most familiar of all rabbit holes, isn’t it?) We’re going to stay right here for Life to give us “what now.” Very likely the “what now” will be clarity about what happened. Much needed clarity. The exact clarity we must have to escape ego’s “gravitational pull.” You are so correct that “Everything’s a clue.” We love a mystery, don’t we? Someone tells us the end of the book, movie, play and we’re so upset. They just ruined it! We can suspect Life feels the same way, helping us to solve a puzzle—our life, our karma, our suffering. We can bring the same attitude of eager watching to our own life that we bring to any other fascinating story we don’t know the ending to. Gasshō

Nothing seems Safe. I panicked when my friend's dog ran away. I immediately yelled and forced my frozen body and mind to move from imagining the worst possible outcomes. The dog ran to her beloved neighbor. I detached some love, and it is too frightening to lose her.
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Well, that’s true. Nothing seems Safe, if Safe means “everything is going to go the way I want all the time.” If safe means “everything is going exactly as it is going all the time and I get to be here for it,” that’s another thing altogether. If we’re completely honest with ourselves, the way Life works is absolutely fine with us. Everything comes into being, exists for a while in whatever circumstances, and departs in whatever way. It has always been just like that. And, we’re quite content with that because otherwise, as my teacher once pointed out, if it weren’t that way we’d be up to our eyebrows in gnats. What we don’t want is for the rules to apply to us. Overpopulation is a problem. There are too many of us. But I don’t want to volunteer to exit and I don’t want any of my loved ones to go. Or my neighbors. Or people in my community. Or people like me. Or our pets. Or…. Global climate change terrifies me, but I don’t want to hang my clothes on the line or drive a dinky little electric car or not fly to all the places I’ve always wanted to visit. We could go on with examples for days, but likely the point is made. We want what we want when we want it. Because of this the voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate can manipulate and control us through stories of something wrong/not enough. Ego promises to deliver what we want. It can’t do that. And, even though we know it never has delivered, we go on believing because otherwise we have to face what ego says we can’t face—how it is. What a con job! Fact is, facing how it is gives us exactly what we’ve been hoping for, wishing for, and desiring all our lives. Gasshō

Anxiety Assignment 1 - Batch 7
3/22/2023

A thought occurs, fear beginning as nausea in the belly and runs through the body bringing weakness into my limbs. Anxiety is setting in. Some part of my life is threatened by a change. Change often brings anxiety, the security of what I've created is in flux.
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“Ask, and you shall receive; seek, and you shall find; knock, and the door shall be opened to you.” I’ve often suspected that even the folks who deeply and sincerely believe the truth of those words don’t really get the magnitude of that truth. What Jesus was telling us, very simply and succinctly is “how” it works. Literally. Actually. Truly. We have the life we’ve asked for. Not that we asked at some point in some distant past that we can’t remember. We have the life we’re asking for in each moment. In this practice we hear, “What you practice is what you have.” “What you do is what you get.” Comes to the same thing. Yes? Ego wants us to believe that everything is up to us, that we get what we get because we’ve tensed up a lot of muscles, worried, stressed, agonized, fretted, and made it happen. If it didn’t happen, it’s our fault. But, much as we’ve been duped into believing that, it’s just not true. We don’t “do” anything. Not in the way egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate wants us to believe. Life does. Life is. We, as expressions of Life, participate. Just like everything else. There’s not a single thing in life that we can “make happen.” We believe we can and believe we should, but believing doesn’t make it true. Believing just makes us unhappy. With that for consideration, back to “your anxiety.” When we believe that we are the creators of our world, we are bound to be anxious! Can’t be avoided. Why? Because we know it’s not true. In our heart of Hearts we know we’re not in charge, have no control. We know we’re no more in position to make our life be what we want it to be than we were at age three. And, we’re far, far less happy than we were at three! We feel anxious and scared and worried, holding our world together with tensed muscles in the stomach, hoping and praying all will go “well.” Realizing the futility of that approach can inspire us to turn to what is so. We can focus all our attention on what we have, what we’ve been given. We can be grateful and trust that, always having been provided with all we need, that will continue. We can expand our focus to ask that as we continue to be grateful and to enjoy all we’ve been given, that the same will be true for all beings. May all beings be happy. May all beings feel Love. May all beings end suffering. Ego fear begins to dissipate and is replaced with a sense of surprise at how obviously well-cared for and loved we clearly must be! Now we are having rather than wanting, now we are receiving rather than worrying and longing. Yes? I often promise t-shirts for awareness practitioners that say, Change Is Good. Change is good. Change is how the generous, lovingkindness of Life opens us to be able to receive more! Give it a go, huh? Gasshō
 
Noticed anxiety presses action to avoid fear of making mistakes, losing or looking foolish. Notice that urgency of action produces mistakes. Pausing and watching the little girl appears painfully embarrassed by making mistakes. Ego keeps her alone wondering fearfully what to do to avoid making mistakes. No mistakes? R/L Gassho
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That’s correct. That’s what she needs to see/get in order to free her from ego’s ability to frighten and control her. We each went off to whatever version of kindergarten with a range of emotions from excitement to terror. There, most of us had it clearly pointed out that there is a right and a wrong—for everything. Right is the standard. Knowing is the way to be right. You need to know so that you will be right, so that you’ll be the right person, so that you will be acceptable and loved, so you will survive. Learning? Absolutely not! School has nothing to do with learning. School is where you find out about competition, judgment, evaluation, and comparison. It’s where you find out what’s important in life and, most of all, exactly how you are flawed and lacking. You may be smart, but are you attractive? You may be athletic, but are you bright? You may get good grades or be musical or artistic, but aren’t those just other ways of describing nerds, dorks, geeks and other unappealing types? (I could become self-conscious about revealing too much about my youth, but the rate of anxiety, depression, and suicide among young people tells me nothing much has changed, except perhaps to be worse.) So, that’s the kind of child abuse—and yes being a child going through the process of socialization is abusive—we’ve all navigated. And, for most of us it instilled, among other horrors, the horror of making mistakes. Now, we get to bring not just the more experienced perspective of a grownup to the situation, we get to bring conscious, compassionate awareness. Best of all? We get to learn! We get to be curious, find out for ourselves rather than being told by someone else; we get to see, to realize. We get to be in this great big world and love it, be fascinated by it, in each moment. We get to be alive rather than held in a shrinking fear that we will be wrong, do something wrong, make a mistake. There’s nothing wrong and there’s no such thing as a mistake. HA! Here we go. Gasshō
 
The most prominent sensation in the body is a pervasive BRACING. Anxiety seems to equal bracing -> feeling unease/something wrong -> looking to conditioned mind to make it better which involves worry, planning, projecting - an exhausting conversation w/ego. I could work with the content endlessly or investigate the bracing. R/L
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YES! That’s it, precisely and beautifully. We can either follow egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate through a list of stuff, content, things, situations, and circumstances that turn out to be longer than our lifetime, never getting anywhere except more suffering, OR we can investigate the specific. Which specific? We don’t all have “bracing” as an issue. “Bracing” won’t always be your issue! True. But we each have our current version of “bracing.” We each have what we can see as the current ego focus holding us in “stuck,” causing us to suffer.  That’s where we start. We start with wherever we are, whatever we just stumbled over. We give whatever that is all our attention until it dissolves. What’s under that will be revealed. We do the same process until we become like all good detectives, thrilled with the next mystery to solve. Gasshō
 
The old double-bind fits any content: "You have to, but you can't" seems to be the story behind sensations of anxiety, and particularly scary is "You are conditioning, you must drop conditioning." Grateful to have guidance, time, and willingness to see the stories I'm believing. R/L Gassho
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And, very good to see that all “you”s are not created equal. The “you” of “You are conditioning” is not the “you” that can drop conditioning. In fact, the “you” that is scared by that message is “ego identified” and not only couldn’t drop conditioning, wouldn’t want to drop conditioning. However, the “you” that can see that process and is aware of the story, the fear, and, let’s face it, the bamboozle, can, would, will, and does drop conditioning. Ah, it’s the old “case of mistaken identity.” Those kinds of “you have to X, but you can’t X” situations are double-binds only for ego. They use the “logic” that ego uses. It’s a logic that only exists in the faux “reality” of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. Inside that imaginary, dualistic structure there’s only one “you,” the “you” of ego, playing all the parts. Step outside that fiction and we can see we have no problems because all the problems only appear to exist inside that fictional structure. We don’t need to see the stories, we need to see the process. “Double-bind” is the “bracing” of the last conversation. Gasshō
 
I picture a little anxiety-fear-urgency wheel spinning endlessly in space, whispering/ranting into the void. (It exists only when I think it.) Listening to it from identification with a separate self is suffering (and there's nothing wrong with that). Compassionate awareness says, "Stick with me, kid. I'm always here."
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“Stick with me, kid,” equals “turn attention from the suffering wheel and give attention to thisherenow,” yes? It’s true that there’s nothing wrong with attending to a suffering wheel spinning endlessly in space, but why do that? As soon as we realize we don’t need to suffer, we go from “it’s wrong to suffer” to “suffering is a process I don’t choose to indulge.” It could be argued that it would benefit us if there actually weresomething wrong with suffering. Not wrong in the sense of “making a mistake, gonna be punished,” but along the lines of don’t smoke in bed or don’t leave candles burning around the house when you go to bed or don’t drive drunk. These are behaviors that have great potential for causing a lot of misery. We can certainly do them if we want to, but perhaps not complain when we burn the house down or wind up in jail. Giving attention to a suffering wheel might fit nicely in the same category? Gasshō
 
This Practice further unveiled the big lie ‚ there's something wrong. An unnamed, unidentified, always looming "wrong" that works on this human when unconscious, usually in early morning sleep, resulting in a tightly wound, dense, black/red knot at the base of the sternum. Great to catch and release. Gassho R/L
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Such a perfect description. “An unnamed, unidentified, always looming ‘wrong’….” We could add “vague,” yes? I hope everyone will watch for this. It’s a huge piece of how suffering is created and maintained. There’s this shadowy, amorphous, nebulous feeling. We should say, “feeling.” What is it? I don’t know. It just feels like there’s something there, something off—something wrong. Is there? NO. But we’re trained to be distracted, to start looking. While we’re searching around for something that isn’t there, the ego voices are making suggestions. “Well, maybe it’s that argument I had with…” “There’s the presentation coming up…” “I probably shouldn’t have had that extra helping of spicy sauce…” “This is how I used to feel around my in-laws…” Sooner or later a hook will get set and we’ll be reeled in. Is there anything to any of it? Not a bit. Here’s something we might all play with: If there’s a problem, a difficulty, someone unhappy with us, something we forgot, etc., let’s wait for Life to inform us rather than rooting around in conditioned mind with ego trying to figure it out. Gasshō
 
Headline "These sensations are uncomfortable/wrong, I don't like this". Sensations arise with varying degrees of intensity, location, shape, and size. A conversation in mind interprets the sensation through a dualistic lens (that's bad/wrong/problem), a solidified sense of self emerges, and it desires to escape and change the sensation. R/L
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Ah ha! An elaboration on the previous theme. The helpful addition here is that we have only two ways to go with a dualistic lens, good/right or bad/wrong. Since duality is the “world” of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, and since we’re heavily conditioned to identify with ego, bad/wrong is going to be the conclusion at least 99 out of every 100 times. Absolutely the ego voices will point out that good/right exists, but it’s not in me, not in this, not in that, not in them, not in now, not in here. Ego/I, as noted, is a non-stop conversation about “I don’t want this, I don’t like this, I want something else, other, different.” The thing we begin to catch onto as we pay closer attention is that the ego voices just rant on. What they’re saying has nothing to do with anything other than the program they are. It’s fun when they say something so out of keeping with the moment that we hear them for what they are, but that rarely happens. We’re trained to look/listen to/believe them and they frame the world we live in. A simple question along the lines of “What’s so bad about this? What’s wrong with it?” can really throw a spanner in ego’s works. We quickly get to see that it is, in fact, a program, quite unable to interact creatively or presently. Gasshō
 
Seeing how anxiety stories arise when very young survival needs seem threatened such as perceived possible loss of love or approval, not belonging, someone angry, doesn't like me. Or wellbeing, security feels threatened; health, bank failures, stock market crashes, wars, climate change. Meant not to see: There's no control. R/L
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Precisely! We can’t do anything about any of those things. Even something like love or approval is not ours to control. Everything is as it is and we really have no say in any of it. One would think that given that we would all say, then let’s just eat, drink, and be merry. BUT WE DON’T. Even folks who get the truth of no guarantees, could all be over in any split second, don’t live as if that’s the case. There was a Great Depression. Banks failed. The economy tanked. People were out of work, starving, starved! What did people come out of that experience having learned? You need to be frugal, save for the future. Of course, that hadn’t helped during the Depression. So, do people do that? Do they save for the future? Nope. People agonize about future deprivation, but do little toward what might help. AND, in all of it, what almost nobody does is enjoy life, enjoy the present. Why not? Because almost everyone is living under the direction of a self-hating system that guarantees suffering now and suffering later. Gasshō
 
Anxiety is covered up by shame: "you are 60 years old! You shouldn't be anxious about this [work]." Yet I am. And the emotional roller-coaster that ego-centric-karmic-conditioning/self-hate puts me through is so intense and "paralyzing" that I don't do what I need and want to do. R/L. Gassho.
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Did you read the response earlier about “bracing”? And the one about “double-binds?” Please do. If you choose you can apply all of that to “shame.” That’s the one that’s available for you to tackle now. And, here’s the really good news for all of us about all of this: While the content appears to be endless and endlessly varied, the process for dismantling is exactly the same. I just read that some young person just set the record for arranging a Rubik’s Cube in 3.4 seconds. I bet that wasn’t his first go at it! Dismantling ego is just like a Rubik’s Cube or Ikea furniture. The more we do it, the more familiar, the easier it gets. Gasshō
 
FLASH: FEAR IS BEHIND IT ALL! Every time I trace an anxious, frustrated, or angry voice it leads to some fear. Not being able to handle it all, when will it end, or no one will love me, etc. Then there's "something wrong" voice harder to see. Awareness is freedom. R/L
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Good! Remember, fear is ego. Ego is fear. There isn’t a something called ego that is fearful. There isn’t a fear that we’ve named ego. It’s one thing. So, yes, you’re on it. Ego is behind it all. Ego is the root of all suffering. Fear is how ego protects itself. Get too close to interfering with its power, seeing it for what it is, big jolt of FEAR! Human being learns to back off, stay away, start looking for answers to “what should I do?” As you keep paying attention you’ll see ever more clearly the relationship between fear and something wrong. Something wrong is what we’ve all been deeply programmed to try to avoid. We don’t want to be wrong, hence the terror of making mistakes. Ego voices get their “something’s wrong” schtick going, we start nervously looking around for what’s wrong, we look to ego to inform us, we’re afraid, and ego is running the show. Self-hate is the gorilla glue of it all. There’s wrong, it’s you, all is your fault, you’re cast out, you’re not going to survive. Awareness is freedom and that’s what you’re focusing on. All will be revealed. No Fear! Gasshō
 
As the investigator, I saw details of an episode of ego taking over my body, dark and heavy around my throat/chest physically and stories of fear and inadequacy. Which came first, the story or the sensations? The headline is, "It's a lie. There is adequacy." R/L Gassho
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I’m going to go with a “spoiler alert” because I know you’ll keep paying close attention even if you know the answer. It’s always the thoughts. The tricky part is that the thoughts don’t always come in full sentences. The one we often refer to is the parental LOOK. As kids we’re doing something and we get the LOOK. Not a word needs to be spoken because we know exactly everything that’s being communicated. So, egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate has plenty of LOOK equivalents. You’re going along and there’s something that touches one of the senses and the “meaning” is communicated. Throat/chest gets dark and heavy, memories (stories) of fear and inadequacy start up. We’re on the hunt for “what set that off?” Not in a thinking about/figuring it out way, but in a gotta be right here paying razor sharp attention to see it happen when it happens way. Much fun! Gasshō
 
Noticing resistance to looking at anxiety. "I'm not feeling anxiety. When I try to look I can't find it! Where are those snakes?! I'm supposed to see everything I can about them! I don't want to feel those sensations. I'm not doing it right!" Just simply notice. What a relief!
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Are you saying there’s no anxiety in “Where are those snakes? I’m supposed to see everything I can about them! I don’t want to feel those sensations. I’m not doing it right!” No anxiety there? Really? I felt kind of anxious just reading and then writing it! But this is good. Resistance is your “bracing,” “double-bind,” “shame.” Tackle that resistance head-on and I’m gonna bet you get in touch with some anxiety tout de suite. Gasshō
 
 

Anxiety Assignment 1 - Batch 6
3/21/2023

The first hit is that there is something wrong and I need to prepare for it. Then, conditioning goes through a process of establishing a narrative that supports the premise. It then goes through a refining process, I feel somewhat numb and gird myself for impending tension. >Repeat. Gassho.
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If I’m with you here, it seems as if you not only see this very clearly, but go through it with some regularity? It’s interesting that you “gird yourself for impending tension” when it sounds as if you’re already in way a lot of tension. You can see that conditioned mind is, we could say “establishing” or we could say “creating” a narrative to support the premise. It’s true that in awareness practice we don’t ask why questions, but I have to make an exception here: Why do you indulge it? The one thing we “know” is that there’s nothing wrong. If we only “know” that intellectually then our practice is to realize it directly, to realize, in the marrow of our bones, that in a non-separate universe there simply can’t be anything wrong! Yes? Wouldn’t that be a good place to stop and bring all the attention? There’s the first hit of “something’s wrong.” STOP. That’s not true so what’s going on here? Yes? Not going off with ego down a path that it sounds you know full-well will take you to repetitive suffering. Gasshō
 
Some anxiety over forgetting to do the assignment for the required time. Did it anyway looking at the anxiety over forgetting. Another ego scam! Everything is okay in this moment. Not going to the past or future--just thisherenow. R/L
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What a great point! You forgot to do the assignment in the required time. Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate would want to make that wrong! Failure! Feel bad! Should just quit! What else is possible for us? Well, we can tune in to where we are now, feel the sensations, recognize the labels, look to see if there’s a big problem in this moment, see there’s no problem at all, recognize it for the ego scam it is, enjoy the fact that all is well in this moment. Oh, and, by the way, since this moment is all there is—we being people who do not go off into imaginary pasts or futures, or “alternate realities” in which something is wrong—we get to enjoy life. Period. It’s not possible to be late for or to miss NOW. Gasshō
 
Headline: "I cannot figure it out!" No clue. Too diffuse. Maybe it's because it doesn't exist, I can't grab a hold of it. I hope to learn something, I am weary of the anxiety story. 
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Well, you definitely have that right. We cannot figure it out. Good to know we’re all right here with you in that, huh? “It” can’t be figured out because the only “thing” (ego) that would say it wants to figure it out (ego actually doesn’t want to figure it out) would need to get outside of “it” (LIFE) in order to do that, and while ego desperately wants to appear to be something outside of LIFE, that’s not possible. Besides which ego is an illusion of a self that is outside of LIFE. It’s not real. Imaginary. Whole ego-suffering-mess is imaginary. I was in a conversation with someone recently who has spent a lifetime in “Why would God, if there is such a thing, create such a messed-up world?” I offered as an alternative possibility what the Buddha taught: We can suffer for as long as we want, and when we no longer want to suffer we can stop. What? How? When we are identified with what we are not, egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, believing what the ego voices in conditioned mind tell us, we suffer. We suffer because we’re believing a pack of lies that are designed to cause suffering. When we see that we can redirect attention away from the suffering stories inside the head, give attention to what IS, to what we ARE, to LIFE/LOVE in thisherenow, suffering ends. The choice is ours. The only way just about anyone makes that choice is when they’ve suffered enough at the imaginary clutching little hands of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. We can suffer for just as long as we want, and when we no longer want to suffer we can stop. Gets my vote for not only a beyond brilliant, but also a kind, compassionate, loving design. And there’s nothing to figure out! Gasshō
 
Anxiety hurts my body. I become stiff and tight. i shake, then move around quicky. the movement relaxes me. my thoughts are going a mile a minute. my body, mind and spirt connect with adereline. the past becomes present. This exercise revealed that I am addicted to the anxiety.  OMG
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Well, as you continue to watch I suspect you’ll fairly quickly see that ego is the addiction that manifests in one form as anxiety. Ego is the first addiction. Addiction # 1. The sub-addictions are all the addictions that feed that primary addiction. Yes, food, alcohol, drugs, sex, exercise and also distraction, busyness, urgency, catastrophizing, guilt, and such. All the compulsions that capture attention and drag it into conditioned mind. On a recent Yearlong Retreat call we were talking about them as “click-bait.” A word, an image, a memory passes across the screen of the mind and attention is snagged. Mostly it all remains fairly low-level. It’s just my life. Sometimes I’m busier than other times, sometimes there’s nothing and I feel a bit restless or bored, sometimes I’m exhausted and just want to hang it all up and sleep on a beach for a year. Sometimes, there’s a giant jolt of OMG!!! that shakes the foundations and rattles the rafters. It usually “comes from out of the blue,” unexpected, surprising, shocking. Not every moment. If it happened regularly, we’d get used to that and stop seeing it for what it is. It’s just often enough to make sure we keep the attention on the voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate as they tell us what’s wrong, what’s to be feared, and how to stay safe. Are you with me? The whole system is meant to keep a human being in the business of the care and feeding of an imaginary ego. I often compare us to farm crops. Ego is the farmer harvesting our lifeforce for its use and profit. Creepy, but quite accurate. Gasshō
 
Headline: "Area woman sues lifelong swindler; awarded full restitution." Process: Dissected one anxiety/day. Utterly bored by Day 10. Same old story: "You're hopelessly inadequate and must avoid, hide, and be afraid." Noticed ego has habituated the mind to seek things to worry about, be ashamed of. Gassho. R/L
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You make my previous point perfectly! For the farmer-ego, companion planting and crop rotation is essential. Worry and shame pair so beautifully, don’t they? I worry that I’ll do something I’ll be ashamed of. Inadequacy and avoiding/hiding are another marvelous companion crop. I have to hide out and avoid because I’m inadequate and hiding and avoiding keep me from anything that would allow me to experience adequacy. And we’re trained to go along with the whole thing. “Don’t worry,” oozes the slimy voice of ego in the head, “I’ve got you. You to stick with me, and I’ll make sure you’re okay. Oh, and, yes, pretty soon, soon as you become the person you should be, you’ll be happy.” That would be a massive load of fertilizer! Gasshō
 
Beneath every surface content, accompanied by a desperate desire for distraction, lurks the understory, "Everyone hates me." What I've seen with this exercise is another layer: "...and I'm helpless in their presence." (If I'm hated, but powerful, what's to fear?) Despite the belief, this assumption of inadequacy contradicts reality.
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Inadequacy is not the issue!!! It’s an illusion—we could say a delusion—that everyone hates you! Ego hates you. Ego hates the possibility that you will realize it’s the only thing that hates. Here’s what we all have to get sooner or later: We’re just not that important. Almost everyone I’ve ever talked to believes that when they walk into a crowded room everyone in the room is looking at them, watching them, judging them. NO! Identified with ego, we’re obsessed with our self, but no one else is. We’re lucky if other people give us a single thought in a month! (Trust me, I know whereof I speak!) Here’s another point to consider: I know you. I don’t hate you. I know other people who know you and don’t hate you. In fact, we like you! So, who and where is this “everybody” who hates you? They don’t exist except in ego’s fantasies. I promise you that if you drop that story, the whole thing will disappear. How about this? The ego voices instead of saying “Everyone hates you” switch to, “You need to shoot up heroin.” Would you believe them? Of course you wouldn’t. If they said, “You need to eat only sugar,” would you? Why then have you decided to devote your life to this equally bizarre message? Gasshō
 
Things will go wrong and you'll end up alone seem to be the headlines of my anxiety. I keep playing future scenarios in my mind, like movie scenes, of arguments, disagreements, ultimatums, fights, etc. the flavor is fear, tension, righteous indignation
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Or, we could narrow it down: The flavor is egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. The movie scenes image is right on target. The movie screen is in the mind. The ego conversation in conditioned mind is throwing images, scenes, up on the screen. You/we are meant to believe they’re real. This could happen. That could happen. True. It’s all possible, but here’s the question we must ask ourselves as practitioners of awareness: Is it more likely that “things will go wrong” and you’ll end up alone if you are present in the moment, living in unconditional love and acceptance, lovingkindness, gratitude, and generosity, OR if you are living in an imaginary “world” of arguments, disagreements, ultimatums, fights, fear, tension, and righteous indignation? Hmm… Let’s see, I’m going to project that choosing Door # 1 is REALLY going to up your chances of having the future your Heart desires. Gasshō
 
Seeing that most of the time I'm still taken over by the sensations called anxiety., like a train running downhill. I see it coming sooner though, and recognize the sensations and interpretations are familiar. My Intention: to stay with this process of investigation and see it rather than be it.
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There we are! That’s it. The process you describe is the one that brings success in any endeavor. We stay with it. Start and don’t quit. We don’t need always to be happy about it or eager or excited or even feel particularly willing. We just need not to quit. LOVE has you in its sights! Even if our “yes” sounds weak, it isn’t. It’s all we need to carry us through. As we continue, everything about our process strengthens. You’ve heard the Gary Zukov quote: 10% of us makes a commitment (sets an intention), and 90% of the universe gets behind it. That Anxiety Express is coming to a halt! May not always seem/feel like that now, but it is. Gasshō
 
I was "anxious" that I had missed the deadline for the assignment. I have identified a process in my life of stopping and starting things so I think this is an underlying process resulting in "anxiety". When I bring presence to my "anxiety" I can forgive myself the process.
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What was written to your neighbor is definitely for you as well. The ego voices would claim that we “have a process of stopping and starting things,” but if we step back a bit we realize that while we may take breaks, we don’t stop. We actually can’t stop. It’s true that ego can cause us to drag our feet and make everything—suffering—last longer than it needs to, but even ego resistance can’t stop us. All ego can actually manage is to make miserable what could be joyful. Two items for consideration: We don’t need to “own” any of this, starting with what egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is bringing to the party. It’s not “my” anxiety. In fact, it’s not even “anxiety.” It’s a set of sensations registering in a physical form to which a label has been applied. Ego is an “ownership” machine. I, me, my, mine. Then we have you, yours. (“You” are clearly less important since “you” have only two words while “I” have four!) We can see where this quickly leads. “This” is mine; that is “yours.” Threaten anything about me or mine and I need to hate you, fight you. We have lines and laws and all the misery that flows so readily from egos carving up what never has and never could “belong” to them. All suffering results from that process. (A much larger conversation than we can have in this context, but important to see the importance of.) So, no need to let ego claim ownership of “my” anxiety. Also, and even more essential: There is no one to forgive and no one qualified to do the forgiving. That’s an ego set-up designed to accomplish what all ego set-ups are designed to accomplish: Unhappiness. Guilt. Remorse. Focus on the past and fear of the future. In a word, suffering. We’re learning. There’s no such thing as mistakes, nothing to regret, nothing needing forgiveness. When we see, we’re free. Until we see, we’re in a process of trying to see. That person who is trying to see, who is practicing to be aware, is worthy of all our admiration, love, appreciation, and respect. Oh, and definitely all our support! Gasshō
 
Looking at my experience with anxious sensations over the last week or so I saw that I am the least anxious at home and the most anxious among my best friends. A friend even asked if she could take my anxiety for me, which she immediately dropped. Looks like choice. 
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Yeah, well, everything is easier when it’s for someone else to do the changing, isn’t it? We can usually see what others need to do to fix themselves. That said, yes, it is a choice. We just don’t want to let that fact be something the ego voices use against us. Okay? Realizing the situation isn’t terminal; that we can alter our experience is an essential awareness. You’ve seen that. You’ve realized that you’re more anxious in one circumstance and less so in another. Now, without falling for the old ego dodge of “figuring it out,” you can begin to watch how and why that’s the case. First place to pay attention is to the conversation in the head. It’s likely that at home the conversation has a different tone than when you’re in a social setting. First, we get to become familiar with the tone and then we get to explore the various “flavors” within the tones. Very exciting! Subtle. A tip: Take full advantage of the recorder and the Mentor. On the way home from work have a conversation with the Mentor about your day and the “place” you’re in. Stressed? Feeling successful? Happy with things? Worried about something? Then watch as you arrive home and go through the evening. Record before bed what you saw. Next day do the same process going to work. Then apply those same tools before getting together with friends. Conscious, compassionate awareness. ‘Twill break up even the most entrenched ego process. Additional tip: Watch closely and record copiously as the ego voices throw massive amounts of resistance at this! Gasshō
 
"100% empty threats killed nobody" worrying about the past, about the future when only now exists inner judgment without a jury. this void, a swirling nothing gathering particles of mind to compose with. knowing I am filled with mistakes, letting go of perfection, and being free.
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That’s a bit difficult to be confident about following, but see if this speaks to you at all: Being free is realizing there’s only perfection, no such thing as an I, and no possibility of mistakes. Gasshō
 
The End is Near. In related news, egocentric karmic conditioning / self-hate continues its barrage of accusations, threats, and abuse. Investigators noticed no one and no thing there. Just "a tale, told by [no one], full of sound and fury, signifying nothing (Shakespeare)." Practitioner goes happy. R/L Gassho
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A tale told by imaginary, disembodied voices in the head. A seemingly endless story of wrong, fear, horror, dread, mistakes, punishment, threats, promises made and broken, blame, disappointments…. Moments of presence, of clarity bringing realization of possibilities, recognizing, identifying the lies in that gloomy diatribe. Seeing the goodness, the kindness, feelings of gratitude and generosity, a growing desire to be HERE, to choose lovingkindness, to give attention to LOVE. Old Will got a lot of it, didn’t he? We get to choose, apply, and live the clarity. Happy. Gasshō
 

Anxiety Assignment 1 - Batch 5
3/20/2023

“The future's uncertain and the end is always near,” is the headline. From ego's perspective, the many snakes cause worry and fear. From Life's perspective, a wake-up call to be present and live Life instead of wasting time looking for a cure for the never-ending physical ailments. Gassho
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Very good! One minor, okay, major adjustment there: Ego doesn’t believe the snakes cause worry and fear. The snakes of worry and fear are ego. If you’re not going to be afraid of and worry about snakes, ego will come up with something else for you. Sounds as if “never-ending physical ailments” are your “snakes.” That’s critical to realize, isn’t it? If we don’t see that, life will be one of attempting to deal with—give all our attention/life force to—whatever “problem” ego comes up with next. Many, many people live from “emergency,” to “what’s wrong now” to “my really, really big problem” throughout their lives. They think that’s what life is! They live with ego and its constant suffering-making and believe what they’re experiencing is life. It isn’t life. As we lose interest in the manipulative, attention-grabbing, fear-mongering conversations with ego in conditioned mind, we have a growing awareness of what LIFE is. Of what we ARE. Gasshō
 
If I'm sharing on a call or swimming in the ocean and think of sharks the same feelings of anxiety appear. It's fear triggered by thoughts. Tightness of the chest shortness of breath, paralyzing. Facing it in conscious awareness and examining it closely dissipates it. Gassho
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That’s it! Attention is in the head, thinking, thinking of what’s wrong or could go wrong, and it’s terrifying. You shift attention to conscious awareness and through, with, from conscious awareness you examine the process that has been making you suffer. Poof! It’s gone. How can that be possible? All that fear/anxiety is imaginary. It’s not real. There’s nothing to it. It’s the boogey man under the bed. If we’re afraid to look we’ll never see that it’s a fiction, made up. Having the courage to look is our way to freedom. It’s a practice. We don’t look and we suffer. We look and we’re free. Being intelligent beings it doesn’t take us all that long to realize that looking feels great and hiding out is miserable. Choosing looking over here, Boss! Gasshō
 
Create karma, experience karma, start thinking-conditioning fishes for future things to worry about equals anxiety, often going to avoidance or addictive behavior. Preference drop it and return to this here now. Break up into small actionable steps. R/L brings about realization to conditionings trap. Gassho
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Excellent plan! Small actionable steps. Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is operating all the time. Sure, we can wait until we see it doing what it does—big shot of adrenalin or misery thinking about the future or going over guilt or remorse about the past—OR, we can just decide when we want to tackle it on our terms. Perhaps I connect checking in with other activities in my day, à la the “make gasshō each time I walk through a door” of the current Yearlong Retreat assignment. Maybe it’s every time I pick up my phone, or have something to eat and drink. Whatever it is doesn’t matter. We’re training. What we’re going to get to see is that the more we do it, the more we’re going to want to do it. Absolutely ego voices will pitch a fit—that’s what we’re getting to see! What’s true is that the more we’re HERE, present in lovingkindness, the more we want to be HERE in lovingkindness. So, we choose what we want to practice with and we make it a party. Every time I remember to make gasshō as I walk through the door, I turn attention to happiness, smile, thank the sincere human being for being so sincere. Every time I remember that I forgot to make gasshō as I walk through the door, I turn attention to happiness, smile, thank the sincere human being for being so sincere. I get us a cup of tea or coffee and we sit together for a few moments, enjoying. Basking in the delight of presence. Grateful to be present. I take out the recorder and talk about how grand it is to be HERE, to be alive, to feel the happiness of being. Like that! Small, actionable steps. Gasshō
 
"Frenetic Activity Masks the Peace" whether it's a speeding heart rate, fast fire uncomfortable thoughts or an explosive sensation in center of the chest, they habitually mean something's wrong. They get labelled as anxiety. On examination it's a coverup to the peace available beyond the habitual interpretation. R/L
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Yes, it is. There’s no place for egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate in Peace. Peace is thisherenow. Peace happens in the space between the thoughts. Peace happens HERE. And, what you’re suggesting is really important. We can have a racing heart, we can even have fast fire thoughts, even an explosive sensation in the center of the chest and it can all be just fine. It can all happen within Peace. Actually, it does, whether we know it or not! It’s all happening in LIFE and LIFE is where Peace is. We don’t need to fix or change anything, do we? We’re just learning to direct attention to what actually is, rather than to a narrative fueling an imaginary “world” of suffering. Gasshō
 
The thoughts are noticed initially and the emotion fear follows. Physical sensation only in extreme events. Fear is about the consequences of being wrong, failing, displeasing or not enough. The ultimate self deprecation‚ or, acute embarrassment. Self hate. Anxiety is the constant fear at various levels of intensity.
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Perfectly stated. Let’s picture our life force as electricity. Electricity is just energy. It just is. It comes into the house and is just there. With the flip of a switch it can turn on lights or the coffee maker or the toaster. Nothing on and we believe it’s there, but we actually have no evidence. We trust that it is and we take it hard when it’s not. We rarely think about it until there’s something “wrong” with it. Power goes out and we realize how much our lives revolve around this energy we usually pay no attention to whatsoever. Of course, it’s there in the background, underground, if you will, as we go about the day. It’s running everything we do, but we’re not aware of that or of it. Yes? (Are we still talking about electricity here?) So, what we want is to have just the right amount of electricity (energy) to do what we want to do. Too little. Problem. Too much? Yep, equal problem. We have “surge protectors” to be sure the electricity is modulated, the amount we want/need and no more. I’ve always found it helpful to think of myself as a toaster. I used to think I was hot stuff, able to make that toast as light or as dark as needed, in control of the dial that made it all happen. Then one day the electricity went off. Oops. No control. No toast. Doesn’t matter what the dial is set to. Good to remember one day the electricity is going to go off for all us appliances. Good to be ready. Yes? Back to anxiety. Our lifeforce is like the electricity. We run on energy. Anxiety is to our nervous system what messed up electricity is to the toaster. Not enough energy/life force and we feel depressed. Too much energy/life force and we feel manic. Surges in energy and we feel anxious. We’re “nervous” and we learn to self-medicate through food, alcohol, drugs, exercise, sex. In this country the big business is getting people to feel the way they want to feel, how they think they should feel. All are attempts to manipulate the energy, the lifeforce. A pill for more; a pill for less. I don’t feel the way I want to feel, what do I do??? Enter Awareness Practice. When we’re identified with the appliance, the separate ego self, there is no way NOT to suffer. But, when we’re identified with what we are, with the lifeforce, with the energy that’s animating, when we’re with it rather than being an ego-subject that objectifies it, when we’re with it, when we realize it is us, suffering is not even possible. Gasshō
 
Process: paying attention, identifying snakes of worry, fear, anger, hurt, frustration, exploring through R/Ling, forgetting, and returning. Story I'm not meant to see: have little or no control over people, things, events, time/space. Headline: Embrace the snakes of vulnerability and lack of control: accepting the unacceptable.
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Bingo! Accept the unacceptable and we are no longer in the unacceptable, we are in the acceptable. Like magic, isn’t it? Ego voices shriek that if you accept all that unacceptable stuff you’ll never have/be what you want, what you should be. Horse feathers! Accept the unacceptable and the unacceptable ceases to exist. And, here’s the best part, right? We don’t have to laboriously, painstakingly face and accept every unacceptable ego can throw at us. We can do it in one shot! I ACCEPT. We say YES to Life. Sometimes we can be wildly enthusiastic. Sometimes not so much. Sometimes all we can manage is an “okay.” That’s okay. We say okay often enough and it starts to be funny. That too? Yes? Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Pretty soon there’s a little beat to it. The lyrics aren’t much but the beat is danceable. (I think it has a salsa feel to it, but we’re all different in that. Rumba? Hip Hop? Waltz? Life doesn’t seem to have a preference. There’s even twerking, you know?) Gasshō 
 
"It's the Voices!" I can hear them. Starting subtly and get louder and louder! I'm sitting watching a movie and I get the sinking feeling, however just before that, the voice says, "You shouldn't be doing this." And the self hatred starts--big black entity that sucks my breath away
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You got it! Now, stay with it. Is it going to try to scare you off? Absolutely. No doubt. But grab all your courage and keep watching. Keep listening. We have so many supports for this, and one of my favorites remains to write down everything you hear the voices saying. Then make a recording that says, “The voices say XXX, but the voices lie. They only say these things to scare and control me.” Get all the voices down in this way. The voices will say that’s not possible because there are too many voices. Not true. The messages are few and repetitive. Once we start to catch on, as you have, we begin to see the patterns and the whole thing moves from scary to fascinating. Now you’re the watcher. You’re observing rather than being the victim. The ego voices can’t do what they do when they’re being watched so they’ll try to distract you and sneak up again when you’re not looking. It’s a program! You can see it, learn what they do and how they do it, and you will realize that you are the awareness watching the whole thing. At that point you’re in a position to save that human being—the one you think of as you—from all that self-hating suffering misery. Well done! Gasshō
 
Breathe. Relax. Focus. Ask questions. Answers come. What am I thinking? Are my thoughts creating anxiety? Can I choose new thoughts? Change focus from fear of future to what's here now. Can't control what hasn't happened yet. Can control my thoughts; how I feel. Can create pleasantness. Banish fear. 
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We can choose where we focus attention. Absolutely true. We want to be careful about letting that word/idea of control enter the picture. “Control” is one of the main ways egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate introduces a “comparison contest” into our lives. “You can control XXX,” in this case your thoughts. “You should control XXX.” “You didn’t control XXX.” “You failed to control XXX.” “You’re not controlling XXX.” “What’s wrong with you that you’re not controlling XXX?” Soon we’ve lost sight of the original point—we canpractice directing the attention—and we’re in a losing battle with ego in which it has all the attention. Yes? It’s enough to practice choosing what we focus attention on. And, yes, you are absolutely correct that we can choose love rather than fear. Life rather than ego. Gasshō
 
Loved looking for anxiety - tried to run life. Seemed less scary when I called it out. Most noticeable was that almost all anxiety stemmed from ping-ponging between past and future, and believing it was true. Attention there meant me feeling miserable on some level. Noticing/freedom. Gassho, R/L
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Nailed it! In practice we often hear that “nothing stands up under scrutiny.” Look for anxiety, call it out, focus all the attention on it, and it’s nowhere to be found. Doesn’t exist. Get caught up in an ego-based story of what’s wrong/not enough in an imaginary past or an imaginary future, and the story produces the sensations that get labeled anxiety. Or, as we like to say, “There’s no such thing as anxiety.” Now, a word of caution: When we say things like “It seemed less scary when I called it out,” we’re inviting egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate into our life. Your actual experience wasn’t that it “seemed less scary.” It wasn’t scary at all. You saw it for what it is and felt free of it. Language is beyond important. Our choices are critical. All this suffering has happened to us since we “got” language/meaning. Words/meaning and the attending beliefs/assumptions are how ego controls a human being. We don’t pay attention to what we’re actually saying because we’ve been brainwashed into believing we know. We don’t. Takes a lot of awareness practice to realize the brainwashing didn’t happen, it’s happening. We are moving from “trusting the mind to give us the information we need” to observing the mind closely, expanding awareness to include the mind, in order to see how suffering is being done to us. Gasshō
 
For me, anxiety is a suffocating, embarrassing, fear of inadequacy. What is behind it? Nothing. It is a glimpse of a universe moment in which a me has anxiety. Moving on now to another. On repeat-listen as the mentor says one at each exhale. R/L
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Perfectly articulated! There’s identification with an experience of paralysis. The moving pictures suddenly stop and there’s a still frame. Embarrassment, fear, can’t breathe. That becomes the whole of reality. Is it? Absolutely not. In fact, it’s not even “real.” It’s an imaginary picture projected on an imaginary screen (the mind), seen by an imaginary person (the ego). If we get stopped there, the paralysis continues. However, if, as you suggest, we drag attention away from that very compelling, believable story, if we redirect attention to thisherenow, the pictures once again move. Are the pictures any more “real”? You’ll find out because now attention is HERE, in the moment, where you are. You’re relaxed, happy, eager to be present for this moment. That’s a great “place” from which to see it all! Gasshō
 
The assignment reminds me of something the guide once said that no thing can stand up under scrutiny. As I placed all my attention on the anxiety, the sensations, and the story that made meaning about it, it dissipated into thin air. Gassho R/L
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Ah, ha! I was just discussing that with one of your neighbors. Exactly so. Nothing can stand up under scrutiny. We can test out that theory with any number of content, can’t we? We hear voices in the head use words like “always” and “never” and “can’t” and “they.” If we give attention to any of those—and innumerable others—with an “Is that so?” attitude, we will see entire belief systems evaporate, as you describe. We hold imaginary “realities” in place, often ones over which we suffer mightily, because we’ve simply never examined them. Never questioned. The orientation got put in place at some point, we accepted it, and we’ve never returned to the scene of the crime. We suffer in large part because we have never returned to the original premise to see if it has validity. Is this going to take all day every day for the rest of our lives? Isn’t this going to be an overwhelming task, figuring all this out? Not a bit. No thinking required. All we need do is look into each moment with fresh eyes. It’s simply a matter of being here for what is rather than off attending to the brainwashing program in conditioned mind. It’s what practicing awareness is. Gasshō
 
Unscrambling egos system. Experience dread/anxiety writing the assignment. Practicing "don't mind being anxious" seeing that with total acceptance no longer gives fuel and I if I don't go with egos labeling system it is just energy. Now I am in the flow of Life plenty energy to write the assignment R/L
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What an excellent point! People go see films, horror films, for entertainment. People do all sorts of things for laughs, fun, a good time, that other people wouldn’t do unless threatened with immediate extinction. There’s no one definition for anything, is there? What people free climbing up a sheer rock face are feeling is the same energy all humans are animated with, but their labels are no doubt very different from the person with acrophobia. We get out of the head, out of conditioned mind’s labeling system, and what do we have? Energy we can use for whatever we choose? Yes, indeed. Gasshō
 

Anxiety Assignment 1 - Batch 4
3/19/2023

I feel the sensations mainly in my midsection. They feel dark and heavy and sticky. There is a sense of something bad will happen if I don't escape. I want to face this and stay with it. My headline EXHAUSTED, BRAVE WOMAN FACES FEARS. 
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Excellent! That’s all that’s required. I truly hope folks are seeing that from this exploration. A person is terrorized, made to live in fear and dread, then one turn to shine a light on what’s actually happening is all that’s required to see and be free. And, here’s my favorite part: All the lifeforce of each EXHAUSTED, BRAVE WOMAN OR MAN is being held hostage behind the unexamined fear/dread/anxiety/worry. There’s truly nothing there except lifeforce that has been hijacked. It’s our lifeforce and instead of it being here, fueling us in a life of lovingkindness and joy, it’s being locked away in ego’s food locker! Open the doors and it’s ours. You know, for a while we regularly played with this: Wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, smile, and say, “Whatever” as we head out into the day. At the end of the day, look in the mirror, smile, and say, “Oh, well.” The point? Love the human being and lose all interest in assessing, judging conversations with ego in conditioned mind. Gasshō
 
Where are you, where am I? My neck, jaw and eyes tense up. Going to sleep, attempting to relax. Mind nags like ""am I doing this right?"" What is next in good use of my time? Space out, drop pan. Gut tight. Behind, a taunting laugh.
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Yes. So important to see how mean and nasty egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is. It wants us to believe it’s on our side, trying to help us, protect us—hogwash. It’s vicious and ugly and we don’t have to watch for long to see that. Here’s a very simple little exercise to play with: Each time you hear that nagging ego voice ask, “Am I doing this right?” simply say a very enthusiastic YES! Interestingly, the voice is saying “I” although the message is “you.” Are “you” doing this right? It’s subtle and if you watch sort of out of the corner of your eye, you’ll see you’re “being talked to” rather than being the one doing the talking. Are you doing this right? YES I AM! Then watch closely. The same ego voice questioning you about the rightness of your action is going to argue that “no, you’re not.” That’s a “Gotcha!” moment. You’ll get to see it engaging in one of its dirty little games and, at that point, you can enjoy a chuckle of delight. You’re going from hunted to hunter. Now rather than the nastiness of ego’s “games,” you get to enjoy the fun of hide and seek with Life, realizing that Life wants you to win! Gasshō
 
Anxiety attacks feel like being hit with a cattle prod and seem to come out of the blue. But I can feel ego lying in wait at the edge of awareness talking in whispers to see if it can get me to panic again in a similar situation. R/L
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Oh, that’s so perfect! It’s probably where the idea of click bait came from. Will s/he go for that? How about that? What about now? What about this? You make very clear why we must be so diligent in our practice. Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate never sleeps. Never loses focus. It distracts us, but it’s not distracted when we are. When it gets us distracted, it’s hyperalert. We have to learn to be even more alert. Yep, we’re going for Buddhahood here! Gasshō
 
Pulling apart the layers, I see that what causes anxiety for me, are the ever present ego voices. Nothing to do with content, but what is said about it. Getting anxious about writing this. Focus on the present moment, breathe, gotcha!
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Yes, indeed! Ego attempts to get us to give all our attention to content and content has nothing to do with anything. As we’re fond of saying, “It’s not what, it’s how.” What’s happening? Doesn’t matter. It’s what we’re being told by ego voices in conditioned mind that is determining our life experience. Oh, there’s another one: The quality of our life is determined by the focus of our attention. That’s what you’re describing, yes? Voices want you to get anxious about writing the response. You keep attention in the present, breathing. No problems. Just the fun of a Ha! Gotcha, you nasty little blighter. Gasshō
 
LIFE IS OUT OF MY CONTROL! claustrophobia is triggered when in a dental chair or MRI tunnel. Crushing my breath, red hot flashes up and down the spine. The story has been "Let me outta here." But now I see that's only part of the equation. I'm not in control.
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We are soooooo not in control. It sounds as if in realizing that, there’s a bit of a possibility of curiosity about the experience? Is it still possible to breathe deeply? What do red hot flashes up and down the spine feel like if there’s no resistance? We hear all kinds of stories about people being in horrifying circumstances and having transcendent experiences. What if those could be had in dental chairs and MRI tunnels? Bet the prices would go up—is it possible those things could be more expensive?  Gasshō
 
I let myself feel the anxiety and then asked "what does this behave just like?". I saw ego inflate a large & rapid experience but behind it I saw something small, simple, using the same tools every time. Headline: "ego, like the wizard, is just a man behind the curtain"
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More like a little creep behind a curtain, huh? A nasty little bully. Greedy. Wants all your life force for itself. Sometimes in practice we hear people, because people are kind and loving, either ask or opine about giving love to self-hatred, that little creep/bully. This is always discouraged because that’s simply another manipulative ploy on the part of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. What’s possible for us is to learn to direct attention so we can practice keeping attention on Unconditional Love, thisherenow, the present. The illusion of a self that is separate from Life, ego, does not/cannot exist in the present. Thus, no ego and no problem. Attempting to embrace egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate in love puts ego right where it wants to be, with our attention on it. A situation we do not want to foster. Gasshō
 
Noticing how distraction operates to avoid "unpleasant" (scary)? feelings. Any distraction will do. Am practising awareness to a) notice it, b) say "ok show me this big scary thing", c) let go! d) take a deep breath and refocus my attention on this moment. Feeling Grateful for the support. Gassho.
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You have laid out the perfect recipe for going beyond suffering! Those five steps will take us from any suffering to “just fine and grateful” every time. Hoping everyone will take this up for at least a few turns to have their own experience of it and practice their own application. Thank you. The process is much like getting a friend’s recipe for what seems a complex and high-level dish. We gather the ingredients and start through the steps. The result might be not quite what we’d hoped for, not quite the way it went for the friend, but we can sense we’re going in the right direction. We try it again. Better. Again. Better still. Now, we’re starting to gain some confidence. Soon we’re even adding our own touches, experimenting a bit. Awareness practice or an exotic dessert, the process is the same! We can master either. Both! Gasshō
 
The voice says "Really, everything is ok, so what's there to be anxious about?" but the tone is condescending and not helpful. Anxiety often slips under the radar having been subtly suppressed/masked. Also noticing anxiety can be a 5 alarm fire at the drop of a hat.
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It’s not unusual to see/hear adults “teasing” children in ways the adults find funny and the child does not. What you describe seems a variation on that theme. All conditioning is frightening at some level. You need to do X in order to have/get Y. If you don’t perform properly, get it right, behave appropriately, say the correct thing, please, meet the standard, etc., then you’re going to have a price to pay. Stress? You bet. Then we hear, “What is your problem? There’s nothing to worry about.” And, yes, the tone of voice is not kind and supportive. It’s not a, “Hey, I’m here. Just let me know if you need anything.” It’s a, “For God’s sake, get a grip! Stop your whining and get on with it!” Yes? We do everything we can to ignore our feelings, distract from facing what’s going on with us. We have no ability to deal with it, and if we try we’re thwarted and taunted. The whole thing goes underground u n t I l all that suppressed energy erupts in reaction to an ego voice in the head screaming the equivalent of WATCH OUT! Adrenalin shoots through the system and we’re left in that paralyzed, terrified place people have been describing. Now is the time for us to apply your neighbor’s recipe, especially the first two steps. Notice and bring it all out in the open. Which is what we’re doing here. Good on us! Gasshō
 
I saw something new in familiar snake story: It's a metaphor for ALL life content! Also saw that thinking breeds anxiety (seems obvious now but it was a revelation). Anxiety doesn't exist in the present moment. Conditioned mind actually scans for things to worry about, in past or future. Gassho
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Well seen! Anxiety, as with all suffering, cannot exist without thinking. Is it any wonder that in an egocentric karmically conditioned/self-hating society thinking is so important? Let’s just all stop here to take that in, please. It is not possible to be unhappy without thinking. We have to think ourselves into unhappiness. When there is no thinking—in that “space between the thoughts” we talk about—there is no unhappiness. There is only thisherenow in the space between the thoughts. HERE. PRESENT. NOW. BEING. No “one,” no “self” separate from Life, no ego, no suffering. When we’re unhappy we can observe that we are “thinking unhappy thoughts.” Those unhappy thoughts can be about the bad/wrong past or the bad/wrong future or the bad/wrong “my life currently,” but it’s the thinking that is making it all so. Your last point is an essential one for us all to recognize: Conditioned mind, ego, is always scanning for something to worry about, always scanning for something wrong/something lacking, missing, not enough. That’s the con, the scam, the bamboozle we’re attempting to find our way out of. That’s the suffering we’re waking up in order to end. Oh, and in case anyone is hearing ego voices making suggestions along the lines of, “Well, that’s swell, but without thinking how would you ever get anything done,” allow me to reassure you that ego is the process of NOT getting things done. It’s the process of fear, anxiety, worry, dread, avoidance, distraction, beatings. LIFE is the process of “getting things done.” LIFE is “doing” everything; ego is getting in the way. The Intelligence, clarity, wisdom, love, and compassion we all know exists and is possible for us is right here, waiting for us in the space between the thoughts. Gasshō
 
When I act on an anxious thought to try to alleviate the discomfort/ fix the perceived problem, the action intended to fix at best perpetuates and more likely creates the very conditions that make the thought so. 
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Wise, clear, and true. That’s precisely how it happens. What you’ve offered adds additional clarity to what was just discussed with your neighbor. It’s a loop, isn’t it? I feel anxious. I try to do something to fix “what’s making me anxious.” That simply reinforces the anxiety. I’ve just proved to the “anxiety system” that I am anxious, believe there’s a “cause” for the anxiety, and that it’s real. It’s what’s meant when someone talks about using gasoline to put out a fire. Yeah, it’s a liquid, but all liquids are not created equal! This is why we like to compare ego to a drug dealer. We buy those drugs once and we have a dealer for life! That dealer knows we can be caught in a weakened conditioned and we’ll buy again. How many times before we’re addicted and a consistent customer? Ego could tell us. Ego has done it to us countless times in ways and places we haven’t yet seen. But we are on the hunt and we will see them soon. Gasshō
 
Anxiety, you are most prevalent in my life. That backdrop of angst, even when everything seems fine. You arise subtle like a wave or violent like a tsunami depending upon how threatening my thoughts are about the triggering event. I'm trying to be present and observe rather than swept away. 
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Well, this set of responses is definitely for you, isn’t it? Sitting still. Watching. Seeing how it happens. Not trying to figure anything out. Not trying to get away. Facing it. And, what you’re talking about, what you’re catching onto is that it’s not the “anxiety” that’s the issue—it’s the thoughts! “… depending upon how threatening my thoughts are…” If any of us got text messages, notes on our front door, letters in the mail saying, “I’m going to kill you,” we can imagine we’d be getting some energy coursing through the body. Right? That’s scary. What if it’s true? We don’t know. It could happen, you know!!! That’s exactly what it’s like when the ego voices start a terror campaign about the future. We don’t know. It could happen exactly the way the voices are saying. It could be awful, horrible. We could die. What we get to see in the “be present and observe” mode you’re practicing is that nothing is happening now except a hateful “conversation” in conditioned mind designed to frighten and control us. What we’ve been scammed into believing is that those thoughts are somehow helping us, preparing us so we can avoid awful things that could happen to us. As our old t-shirt reminded us, Worry Is Not Preparation. All that getting caught in anxiety loops does is 1) rob us of this moment, and 2) have us attending to thoughts in the head when being present in the moment would have saved us! Gasshō
 
Anxiety seems experience of wanting something ('I''m not getting). Realized stopping and turning to the experience, sitting still with it, works so consistently because shifts attention away from the 'wanting' (which seems synonymous with separate-self) to Here/no separation, so no reason/no 'one' to want anything. 'It is all of me." 
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That’s a great exploration of “how” an illusion of a self that is separate from Life is created and maintained. There’s just THIS and i/I am a part of THIS. ONE. ALL. Nothing left over, nothing left out. Then that little “i,” the only “thing” with the ability to experience itself as separate/other, looks around and says, in essence, “Being one with all is not enough for me. I want more. I don’t want to just be. I want to have, to do. Yes, I used to be happy, but now I’ve tasted sugar and I want to have more sugar. I’ve ridden a bicycle and now I want a car, a faster car, a newer car, a better car, an airplane! I want. I want. I want.” And that ability to experience “other” turns into a growing desire to have, to possess that other. More. More. More. The happiness and the satisfaction of being, of being alive, of enjoying Life in the moment is in the past and receding quickly. “I want more. I feel dissatisfied. How do I know I’ll be all right? I want more so I can be sure I’ll survive. Guarantee my future. Know I’ll be okay. No. I don’t want more, I need more. I’m afraid. I need more so I won’t be afraid.” And, there we have the life story of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. Once we believe we’re ego, that the voice in the head is us and is speaking for us, we are off full-tilt in pursuit of what we’re being told will make us happy, but is instead the road to hellish suffering. Where is everything we truly, in the Heart, do want? HERE. ‘Tis why we practice awareness, isn’t it? Gasshō
 
 

Anxiety Assignment 1 - Batch 3
3/18/2023

That which you fear is causing you to fear. The process that presents itself as preventing anger and self-hate is creating the anger and self-hate. Underlying belief: the world is hostile, "I'm" not adequate. "I don't know what to do" (in a forlorn, little voice) triggers this process. R/L Gassho
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That’s it. As you have obviously seen clearly, that “forlorn, little voice” is not signaling a little person in need of help and support; it’s triggering not only fear but also all the anger and self-hate required to keep a person in misery. Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is narrating a constant story of what a bad, hostile, dangerous place the world is, full of bad, dangerous people. Then it offers the solution to this horrible situation—stay home and sit on the couch with it! From this distance it’s easy to see how this happens, isn’t it? The ego voices in the head tell the horror stories, pointing out all the evidence of awfulness. Not just with you, with everyone! So, we have all these perfectly fine human beings living in terror of one another, feeling under threat, believing they’re in constant danger, being told what they need to do to survive. We each become more isolated, more self-centered, more dangerous and cruel, not because that’s how we are, but because that’s how we believe we have to be to survive this hostile, alien environment! All lies. All in place simply to feed an insatiable hungry ghost of an ego. We don’t usually make movie recommendations in this practice, but for all its wacky moments, “Everything Everywhere All At Once” is quite a remarkable awareness practice film, exploring this very process. Gasshō
 
As I looked at the process behind anxiety, I saw a bunch of conditioning spouting a bunch of stories to scare me. One of the big ones is reviewing everything I need to do at work with the underlying belief that I'll never get them done, then problem-solving. Gassho. R/L
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All with one purpose: Keep the human being out of the present, out of the moment in which happiness is and ego is not. Why do we fall for it? We know better, don’t we? Yes, but over and over again we get pulled inbecause we’re good people. We suffer as we do because we care, not because we’re bad, wrong people who need to be punished. That’s a huge piece of the lie. “This bad stuff is happening to you because you’re a bad person, a wrong person, and you need to be punished so you’ll change and be better.” NO. This suffering happens because we are good, kind, loving people, and what we love is being used against us. In your case, you really care about doing a good job. You want to get everything done and done well. True? So, ego can torture you with threats of not being able to do a good job. Once we’re afraid, we’re easily controlled. I’m scared and I’m looking for someone to help me. Ego is right there to help me out! I’m conditioned to be so grateful “not to be alone” that it never occurs to me the help is never forthcoming and I remain in the same suffering place year after year. Well, not the same exactly, because, as we’ve all noticed, the stress takes a terrible toll on us. The good news? We only need to see it, get it, once, and we’re well on our way out of the trap. Gasshō
 
Waiting to learn about beloved cat's diagnosis and prognosis. Conditioned response is to feel anxious about results. But, practicing presence and acceptance, there are sensations and tears and smiles and cuddles, without anxiety. Anxiety seems to come from a process of pushing away: "Maybe it could still be ok??" R/L
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Yes. Anxiety, fear, dread, worry—all the same thing, right? All the same “something is going to happen in the future and I’m not going to be able to stand it.” What you’re pointing out is that when we fall for the “let me focus on and fear the future” scam, we miss the very thing we’re told we’re going to miss when this dreaded future comes to pass. “What if my beloved cat dies? Oh, no, I can’t stand it. It will be too awful.” That’s where I’m living. That’s what attention is focused on. It’s all made up, imaginary. The cat is very much alive! But I’m not with the cat, loving the cat, enjoying the cat. I’m off with an ego conversation in my head about how horrible it will be when the cat is dead. Once we see it, we realize it’s insane! Until we do, that whole process can be presented as the good, right person way to be. “I care so much. How can I not be miserable about the thought of my beloved cat dying?” It’s hogwash, but most of us have bought it. HERE. HERE is where the cat is. HERE is where LIFE is. HERE is where LOVE is. And, HERE is where we want to be. Gasshō 
 
Exercise like anxiety: when not in front of me, the experience goes underground. Schedule, exercise, eating hide it. When present, the past experience defines the present experience not the content in the present. I'm meant not to see what is actually so in this moment. Gassho R/L
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Oh, exactly! Yes, we’re never meant to see what is actually so in this moment. And, “underground” is how it’s done. Most of any given day goes by unnoticed, doesn’t it? Are we there for it? Well, sort of, but not really. We know we shower and eat and work and exercise and do chores, but are we really here for them? Not really. Days sort of slide by as we “look forward” to the moments or days when “I’ll really enjoy myself.” Most of our hours pass with us in a sort of “virtual reality” with the body in the moment while “we” are in an imaginary world, in a conversation in conditioned mind about all sorts of things that are neither here nor now. (Perhaps I’m just projecting here and no one actually has this experience? You’ll let me know?) Then, periodically, or regularly in some cases, we’re made to “come to” for a big dose of something wrong/not enough. We forget something or make a mistake or someone gives us feedback that’s painful or we get injured or a loved one has problems—whatever—and we need to “be here” for the upset. We get through that with whatever amount of suffering we survive and we return to “life underground.” Again, seeing this as it actually is, rather than continuing with the ego story we’ve been fed, can really up our enthusiasm for getting out of the head and getting into the present! Gasshō
 
Headline: Each Moment Brings Choice. The Zen story with snakes was in awareness often. I'm supposed to fight against anxiety, give in to it, be dragged along by it... not see the possibility of choice. Choices include noticing sensations, noticing being caught up in stories, and not feeling bad. R/L
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That “not feeling bad” has been enough of a theme already in the recent yearlong retreat that I’ve asked Ashwini if she will write a Musings article on it. It’s so important! The feeling bad piece is the glue that holds the whole mess together, isn’t it? I’m anxious. Again! I see it and feel bad. That’s the end of that story and guarantees I’ll be stuck right there, right where I’ve always been. However, when I have the experience you’re pointing us to—I’m anxious, again—and I see that and I stay right there with that experience of anxious, openings happen. Awareness is possible. Insights, clarity. “Hows” get revealed. Now there’s no way I’m going to feel bad because I’m excited, enthused, thrilled with the things I’m seeing. Transformation! Yes. Choice. And, as practitioners of awareness, not feeling bad has to be our first choice. As we say often, awareness (spiritual) practice doesn’t begin until the beatings stop. Feeling bad is a beating. Not feeling bad is the solvent that dissolves the ego glue! Gasshō
 
In extreme anxiety-producing situations, I can feel numerous body sensations: tightness in chest and throat, quickening heart beat and brain fog. It's difficult to know what to say or do and there's a feeling of desperation. When crisis is past, worry sets in and conditioning replays the situation repeatedly. R/L
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This is good! How is that possible?, you may hear a voice in your head asking. What you have going for you in these situations is the only thing you need—awareness. There are sensations in the body and “brain fog.” You don’t know what to say or do, and there’s a feeling of desperation. And, “You” didn’t miss a thing. All that’s happening with you and with everyone else who struggles with a “this is happening and it shouldn’t” situation—which is all of us—is that you’ve been conditioned into believing that 1) sensations mean what you’ve been taught they mean, and 2) unless ego is in control “you” are in danger. In fact, nothing “bad” happens to you, does it? You’ve been conditioned not to like, want, or enjoy those situations, but that’s not the same as something bad happened to you. Here’s another way it could be framed: Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate was shown to be incapable of dealing with life. That is a very good thing to realize! What now? Eagerly anticipate the next opportunity to be in that situation. When you are, STOP. Stop and watch closely. Bring all attention and conscious awareness to what’s happening with you. Attend wholeheartedly to all of it in expanded awareness. I project you’ll realize that it’s a whole different reality without the small mind of ego interpreting. Gasshō
 
Investigator focused on ANXIETY excavates through deep resistance to discover: old memories, future catastrophes, frozen body parts & more. All using amazing tool called PRESENCE. Stay tuned for more exciting discoveries!
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Stunning, and yes, exciting, isn’t it, to realize that all we need is PRESENCE. (Excellent use of all caps.) HERE is all we need and it’s all we want. All we’ve ever wanted. Happiness, relaxation, love, sweetness, kindness, appreciation… Name a something the Heart wants and it’s HERE. (Had to add “Heart” to that sentence lest ego slip in with its imaginary, dualistic impossibilities such as rich, famous, thin, and forever young.) Want to feel something? Get HERE. Want to have something? Get HERE. Want to be something, do something, know something? Get HERE. You’re on it. PRESENCE is the whole deal. Gasshō
 
I found a headline! Then I spent many days in my head about this response. "I'm supposed to write about my process doing the exercise? Is that right?" That was unhelpful. Helpful to really look at what's behind the curtain, as it were. gassho.
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Well, yes and no. What we are is (here we come up with a lot of fingers pointing at the one moon there are no words for) LOVE. LOVE in a form. What we struggle with is egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. What is egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate? It’s everything we’re not, but have been taught to believe we are. So, you got to see how the ego voices caught you in a loop in conditioned mind about “is that right/is that wrong?” That same system wants you to believe that process was unhelpful, but seeing that process is very helpful. That process—getting stuck in loops in conditioned mind with ego—is what keeps us from looking at what’s behind the curtain. With me? Whatever we’re seeing is helpful. Engaging with the voices of ego is not helpful. Seeing the voices of ego, hearing what they’re saying and recognizing it as lies, is extraordinarily helpful. Because the only way you can see/hear what ego is doing is from awareness. Yes? Gasshō
 
Remarkable to see anxiety as a complete loss of focus and the sense that focus can never return. Every decision in the past was wrong and inability to make good future decisions. Self hate embodied
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Indeed. It’s hideously cruel, isn’t it? Everything a human being is is used against that human being to feed a hateful, cruel system. And you’ve seen it. You’ve seen it and seen it for what it is. Now you, we, get to step back again into that larger perspective that lets us realize it’s all good. We have each learned vast amounts of stuff in our lives. We didn’t know the ABCs or how to brush our teeth or multiplication tables or how to read or play games or sports or drive a car or, or, or. Was that learning wrong? A mistake? Of course not. We accept all of those as necessary. Just how it is. We can’t be expected to know things we don’t yet know. Right? Except if we move out of the realm of “stuff” and into the realm of “you should know.” For example, you should know not to lie, even though growing up you watch the adults around you lie all the time. You should know how to be, what to do in situation after situation in which you have no experience at all. In the past you made a decision that, given everything you knew at the time, seemed like a good decision. Things resulted from that decision that you could not possibly have known about, and the voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate come in to beat you up for making such a stupid mistake. Yes? You fell in love with that person and the relationship was a disaster. Was it? What did you learn? How else would you ever have learned all that? If you’ve been reading along you’ve read the encouragement to STAY with the experience. Loss of focus. What is that? Stay with it, bringing all attention and awareness until you see it for what it is. Hint: the word we use for it in practice is bamboozle. Have fun! Gasshō 
 
As I sit with it, I see behind the story is a puppet master pulling strings to take me from center. If I can focus on the puppet master's task instead of sensations and meanings, I escape ‚All just ego trying to get me again‚ nope, not falling for that!
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Moving from “what” to “how.” Moving from being in a conversation in conditioned mind to thisherenow. My favorite example is from learning to hit a golf ball. Right at the top of the back swing a voice in the head whispers, “You’re going to miss it.” Sure enough! That’s actually a perfect example of how we get fooled into believing egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate has something to say that we need to listen to. It was right! The voice said I would blow the shot and I did. I don’t know how it knew that, but it did! No, it didn’t. All that is ever happening in these situations is that attention goes to the voice in the head, leaving no one present for action. I missed the shot because I wasn’t there to make the shot. It had nothing to do with the ego voice having miraculous powers of seeing the future! But that sort of thing has happened incalculable numbers of times through the years until it certainly seems as if ego knows. Afterward ego is right there with an “I told you so.” But it doesn’t know. It can’t know because 1) it’s a program, 2) it doesn’t exist in the moment, 3) it always comes in after whatever happens. So, yes, staying focused on the moment, being with the human being, giving no attention to the voices in the head removes all “power” from the “puppet master.” Gasshō
 
Fear of failure, abandonment. That even God would be disappointed of me. Before every action I have to make a choice: is this the best thing I should do? If not, could it get to a terrible consequence? Feeling stiff, hard, cold...longing for warm, soft, acceptance, hope. R/L Gassho 
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Please read what was just offered to your neighbor. Then, here’s a little exercise to play with. You have to make a choice. (Ah, before we get to that, would you please begin a regular, constant practice of reminding yourself that you are a really, really good, kind, caring, loving human? How do I know that? You’re agonizing about every single thing you do! Only really good people do that. So, do add that to your daily/hourly R/L practice.) Then, each time you have to make a choice, sit down with the Mentor (via R/L, of course) and go over the situation. Bring out your concerns. Explore them from every angle—every angle you have available to you! Even the Mentor cannot see the future. Then make your choice—and watch with eagle eyes every little, tiny thing that happens. Watch how the ego voices start looking for trouble, mistakes, bad outcomes, framing everything in terms of what could be wrong and how it is or will be your fault. It won’t take many of these before you’ll see the ego scam for what it is. And, just to keep in mind: We are not in control. We can agonize and let ourselves be tortured by hateful ego voices, but none of it changes the fact that we have no control over anything. Us having control and making everything go the way we’re conditioned to believe it should go is just not what’s going on here. Gasshō
 
Anxiety shows up like stomach ache, lack of appetite, head throbbing, heart racing. The feeling is only fear. The thought channel is magnified. Stories about whatever the content means invades any peace. Life or death. It must be resolved immediately or I'll die. It becomes the master. 
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Exactly so. As was suggested earlier, it’s the puppet master and we, the human beings, become the puppets. What we’re doing here is cutting those strings, right? What we’re getting to see is the breadth and depth of our brainwashing. We’ve been trained like creatures in a science lab. Bell rings and we do what we’re programmed to do. In our case, it’s not a bell, it’s a shot of adrenalin that follows some form of “Oh, no!” That first sensation triggers the thoughts, the emotional reactions, the stories, and, as you say, it’s life or death. It could be a reminder that you missed a meeting or didn’t return a phone call or there’s a mistake on a bill or or or or or. Yes? It’s exactly what happened to us when we were little kids. We had no idea what set people off, but everything seemed to be of equal importance and all capital offences! Spilled your milk, didn’t pick up your dirty clothes, got a B instead of an A, didn’t feed the dog… YOU ARE BAD!!! Yep, it has managed to turn every moment into one of life or death, and the toll on health, wellbeing, and happiness is very clear in the symptoms you describe. That’s why it’s essential not to get talked out of bringing the conscious awareness that will free us. Gasshō

Anxiety Assignment 1 - Batch 2
3/17/2023

Turning around to face my biggest anxiety/fear (loneliness, abandonment) and take a really close look at it stopped me from running away from it in a panic. Yes, it was a fear of not being able to stand it--that was the actual anxiety-source. Everything new now. 
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Good for you! Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is not just a bully, it’s a coward. It gets by with what it gets by with because people were made afraid so long ago—long before we can even remember. As little, tiny people we got yelled at and punished and we learned to be afraid. (Those of us who are parents needn’t fall into a pit of guilt/self-hate for having destroyed the lives of our children. We had no choice, just as our parents had no choice, and just as our children will have no choice. There’s nothing wrong with any of it!) We’re afraid and when sensations and feelings that signal “this is scary and awful and means something horrible is going to happen to you,” and then voices give us scary messages, we get frightened and try to run and hide. Pretty intelligent, really. Got us through childhood and we have no proof it wasn’t necessary. However, here we are now, big people, ready to show ourselves that we can stand anything. We’ve stood everything so far, even things we were told we couldn’t stand, and that same old, same old voice threatening that, “Well, you were lucky before but this time…” really is old news. Great job!
Gasshō
 
Anxiety is a signal that I'm out of my depth and unable to perform as others do. Having a difficult childhood where I was continually berated left me feeling inadequate compared to others. These feelings cause me to hide my thoughts for fear of being discovered and ostracized. R/L Gassho
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Well, I know how strong the conditioning is to believe and accept that sort of narrative, but it just isn’t true that it’s unusual or unique. We were all compared, and even those we thought were the superstars getting all the adult accolades turned out to be just as insecure as we are. If you read along or listen to folks in practice, that becomes clear quickly. Because of the privileged environment, people in Sangha don’t know one another personally, but I know pretty much everyone and I can assure you the people struggling with your same issues are very successful members of society. All the hiding out does is to protect ego. The reason people can reach adulthood—even old age!—and still believe this stuff is that they listen to ego tell them to hide out, if they don’t they’ll be seen and abandoned, so they hide out and continue to believe the lies. This guarantees that ego remains safely in control of a human’s life and life force. Risk it! We know who/how you are and haven’t ostracized you! Here’s a word of caution: You know the people in your life who judge and criticize you. Don’t start by baring your soul with them! If you feel safe with Sangha, be yourself with Sangha—which you are and do already—and accept that you are accepted as you are. That’s proof that the ego voices are lying to you. Gasshō
 
Many anxieties identified with different ages, sensations and times they appear. Some obvious, some sneaky. Deeper exploration is the identity of simply being the "anxious person" in general‚ practicing with disidentifying from that one. Fear of thinking I have no control of outcomes is the resistance to just being present.
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It sounds as if you know we have no control of outcomes. True? If you know that, you don’t have to entertain any voices talking to you about having control. You can just remind yourself and the ego voices that there’s no such thing as control. We’ve been talking a bit so far about children and how the messages from childhood will still run a person’s life if the person isn’t paying attention. The belief in control is nothing more than a big person version of a form of the magical thinking that occupies the world of a child who has no idea how anything works. (As much as people want to believe that doesn’t go on in the very rational mind of the adult, it not only goes on, it runs a great deal of the show!) For instance, my favorite example: “You should have known better.” This belief, embedded in childhood, has people convinced that it is possible to know what cannot ever be known—what is going to happen in the next moment. The whole notion of being able to know what’s going to happen “next” is insane, yet people deeply, deeply believe it’s not only possible, but they should know and it’s their fault if they don’t. Control is an illusion, and, yes, helping a person realize that gives them the life ego has been taking away from them. Gasshō
 
Due to incessant ego yammering, low grade "anxiety" is the default mode whenever attention is not on Awareness. Redirecting attention thousands of times a day to Thisherenow is the most effective (seemingly least utilized) anti-anxiety medicine. Am building up to "thousands"; am currently at "dozens" on a good day... Gassho 
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Well, that’s what Awareness Practice is, isn’t it? We’re training. This is where sports analogies are so appropriate, even if annoying. Steph Curry? We might need to count the numbers of times he’s thrown a basketball at a hoop in the hundreds of thousands. In the beginning he probably missed a lot of those shots. Now, not so many. Over and over and over with, as one of our heroes says, a consistent and persistent good attitude. Why would a person want to do that? Because there’s something the person wants more than they want to hang around with ego’s persistent and consistent bad attitude. That’s us. If we don’t practice awareness for the love of it, for the LOVE of All That Is, we might as well just hang it up. If we love it, if we love the human being we’re attempting to end suffering for, we’ll do it. Doesn’t matter how long it takes or what we have to get past. It’s LOVE and we love it! Gasshō
 
I face fear - the battle begins over and over until it feels like I won't survive. Yet with daily practice and sangha - I get back on my feet - after a long period of darkness - again any yet again. I survive, surrender with gratitude on my knees.
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Well, I’m going to go out on one of those proverbial limbs and make a suggestion one might find on an organic granola box or tea bag: You’re not just surviving, you’re thriving. True? Okay, I bet the voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate will shriek their imaginary selves hoarse at the mere mention, but I’m going to stick with the projection. The one thing we can know is that there’s no such thing in life as coasting. We’re either ascending or we’re descending. It may take us a while, especially if we’re in close conversation with the voices of ego in conditioned mind, to realize we’re sliding downhill, but sliding we are. OR, we’re in ascent. Again, could take us a bit to realize it since the ego voices are violently intent on convincing us we are no such thing, but rising we are. We have to encounter what we need to transcend. Ego wants to make each encounter—with it!—a mistake. We should be past this, through this, way beyond this point by this time. Not true. Each encounter is a new one. We don’t want to lump them all together as ego would frame it. We make it past one hurdle. We’re racers! What does that mean? We have another hurdle coming right on up. That’s how we get stronger, better at getting past hurdles. THRIVING! Gasshō
 
Saw that "anxiety" is a label for sensations (the snakes). The conditioned response is to use them to DISTRACT the human from Being, Here. The prompt to look at the sensations was all it took to see them for what they are and get HERE. Big thank you!
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You are so very welcome! The ego voices would love to use what you said against people so let’s just confirm right here and now that that’s not necessary. Here goes: When we face something squarely, anything that ego is threatening us with, that’s all that’s required to see through it. True, that doesn’t mean it won’t try to return and work its evil magic on us again, but that particular bamboozle will be on its way out. We have learned thousands of skills in our lifetime. With each of those there was a learning curve. We don’t see it, don’t see it, don’t see it—boom! See it. With math, a sport, a hobby, even if there are negative voices there ragging at us, we want to learn. We’re trying to look at it squarely. Looking squarely at what ego has made so frightening for us is much more difficult. But the process is the same. We have to really want to see it and see through it. Gasshō
 
Anxiety hovers around, attempts to seep into the body and mind". Longstanding experience of sensations, urgency, so much to do, heart pounding, something wrong. Practicing in early morning to simply observe all this on awakening, and not engaging/believing in the process allows curiosity, dis-identification. Come back here, home. R/L Gassho
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As we practice in the way you describe, here/home becomes more familiar and more desirable. We want to be in that stillness, the peace and quiet of thisherenow. We’re looking for it, seeking it in a way that withdraws attention from ego’s shenanigans. First-thing-in-the-morning practice is wonderful because we’re stronger, not so “pulled down” by what the ego voices do to us all day long. Adding stopping each time we’re aware of the busy/urgent sensations for that same kind of curious-just-watching-and-not-believing practice moves the “getting home” process along quickly. Gasshō
 
Anxiety/worry I have notice in the last few years has played a major role in my life, something I used to think was other people, not me. I can see also that it's another thing form of conditioning, that I can consider letting go!
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Well, I hope you’re going to do more than “consider” letting it go. Living in the dualistic “world” of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, we humans get pulled back and forth between “it’s all a disaster and will get worse” and “it’s all going to work out and be fine.” In this country that shows up clearly in how few people prepare at all for their financial future. There’s a belief that somehow, against all experience, something is going to happen for them that will make it all ok. You point at a process that, if attended to, could replace suffering with peace and freedom. In the yearlong retreat it was recently noted that being in awareness, practicing awareness, is easier earlier in the day. As the day goes on the ego process beats a person down until, for lots of folks, getting to the end of the day translates into “how can I go unconscious as painlessly as possible?” That happens on a daily basis and that happens as the years go by. The lifeforce weakens and we have less oomph to use to go up against ego’s torture campaigns. Said in a simpler way—the moment we see a way to end suffering, it’s wise to hop on it! Gasshō
 
Don't understand; too much; can't do this.' Ringing ears, brain; breathing shallow; heart pounding; stomach churning. Run self-hate gamut zipping light-speed between past and future. Overwhelmed, unable to focus.. Not meant to see: giving story attention causes suffering; I'm adequate to experience; ending human's suffering in moment accomplishable with presence.
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Whew! Grateful we got to that conclusion! Yes, ending a human being’s suffering can be accomplished with presence. Your description of how egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate operates is spot on. What on earth would make a person think there’s a way out?? The campaign ego wages to fuel the suffering it feeds on seems overwhelming. The ego voices are certainly telling us suffering is inevitable. Which is so very important to catch on to. The information about the inevitable, overwhelming nature of ego’s power is all coming from ego! It’s an impressive campaign, but merely its own story nonetheless. Let’s all imagine for a moment that the negative “you” voices (you can’t, you should, you shouldn’t, why did you, they think you, it’s too much for you, too hard for you, you’re never going to…) ended. Went silent. What would the world look like? What would your life, “you” be like? We believe the hatefulness and we suffer. We don’t need to. Ending a human being’s suffering is accomplished with presence. Gasshō
 
"Imaginary anxiety hides unshakable confidence." That's my headline from this assignment. I see that the meaning that gets attached to the sensations is the real problem! It creates the "something wrong" and fear that is called "anxiety". Without the meaning, it would just be sensations. R/L. Gassho.
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That’s it in the proverbial nutshell. Human beings can be conditioned into believing anything. We have been! Advertising is proof of it. We’re so brainwashed to look “outward” at whatever “reality” is being offered up by the voices in the head that it’s massively difficult to get it that the “reality” we’re living in is being created by the voices in the head, not by what we’re seeing “out there.” Once we see that, once we know where to look, all becomes much easier and clearer. The question, “What does that mean?” brings us the curiosity that takes our life from suffering to fascinating. What does it all mean? As you’ve noticed, “it” doesn’t mean anything. “IT” “IS” and because IT IS, we ARE, and because we ARE, IT IS. “Imaginary” is the world of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate and we don’t need to have anything to do with it. Gasshō
 
All-Encompassing Black Ink Blob. My sense of anxiety is NOT just suddenly, overwhelmingly present as I once thought. It's a process that I can step into and dismantle after examining the feelings, sounds and inner dialogue. Like a squid squirting her ink, the blob is preceded by a hidden fear.
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The “blob” is preceded by a fear that was hidden, yes? Now you’ve seen it. Now, as we were just talking about with your neighbor, “anxiety” has been replaced by interest. Now we’re scientists, explorers, detectives, with the insatiable curiosity of a child. Now life is fun, fascinating, amazing, thrilling. Now we can see that “same” is a lie, that we don’t need to try to change anything because everything is changing in seconds so split we can’t conceptualize the duration. Figure anything out? Understand? Know? Get guarantees? Worry? Are you nuts??? Thisherenow is All That Is, and we don’t want to miss one of those split seconds of it, do we? Gasshō
 
Brilliant, unnerving, ego-triggering visualization! A hard assignment, until it dropped in that fear equals aversion. Began to see ‘my' fears as aversions on steroids. Then, how all dislikes are fear containers, and how fears become big dislikes. All resistance to being with what is. Snakes are; I chose the fear.
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Bingo! Snakes are; we have to choose the fear, the anxiety, the dread, the horror, the suffering. Not separate from snakes? They’re fascinating. Separate from snakes? We see them as other, a danger, a threat and suffering is inevitable. With ego, everything other than it and what it wants is a snake to be frightened of and avoided. When we see through the scam, as you note, we realize that the only “snake” is ego. Then, the fun begins, right? Ah, I see. Fear equals aversion. Dislikes are fear containers. Fears and dislikes are synonymous. All of it is simply serving to give ego a safe place, a cozy “container” in which to, like the parasite it is, live on the life force it siphons out of the human being via “you don’t want that, you don’t like that, you hate that, you never do that, that’s too scary, you’re going to fail and look foolish, everyone dislikes you, just stay home and stay safe, don’t risk anything, you’re not up to it….” Gasshō

Anxiety Assignment 1 - Batch 1
3/16/2023

Anxious about developing dementia. I'm forgetful, my mind goes completely blank, I lose track of where I was heading, my heart races and my body tingles. Will I lose the ability to direct attention and practice awareness?  Practice makes me happy! I don't want to lose it. Gassho R/L
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The very good news is that we can lose our mind completely and be perfectly fine and happy. In fact, a strong argument can be made that it is only when we lose our mind completely that we can be perfectly fine and happy! (It is my experience, by the way.) How can this possibly be? There are two minds involved. The first is what’s called Whole Mind or True Nature or All That Is. It’s the “THAT” of That Thou Art. The second is what almost everyone believes is the mind—ego. Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate has taken over so completely that, as we’ve all noticed, it is difficult to sense, recognize, or become aware of Whole Mind. We get a taste of it in the space between the thoughts. We feel the power of it in what are called “peak experiences.” This one we cannot lose because it is what we are. The second one we can lose—by choice! This is a very good thing. Here’s an encouragement: When the mind goes completely blank, stop and pay attention. What you’ll realize is that while thoughts are absent, awareness is full and complete. The racing heart and tingling body are the results of fear brought on by ego shooting a jolt of adrenalin through the system with the thought “I FORGOT. I CAN’T REMEMBER WHERE I WAS GOING!!!” Direct attention away from ego’s fear-mongering and toward awareness and you’ll see that you have nothing to lose that you would want to keep.  Gasshō
 
When I feel anxiety it is because I'm projecting some event or situation that I think might happen in the future. Then I tell myself, right now I'm ok. Back to this here now!
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The difficulty with this absolutely accurate approach is that so often folks don’t realize what’s happening. They get caught up in the story, the ego projection, and don’t realize they have a choice to drop it all and come to presence. This is why recollecting is the focus of this year’s yearlong retreat. Gasshō
 
Headlines: "Fear underline cause of ‘anxiety.' " Noticed two places, when conditioning says hurry up, and when it says you're in "danger" of doing something wrong. Everything in me speeds up, blood, heart, brain. Notice it, stay with it, breathe. It subsides. It's like being underwater then rising to the surface. R/L
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Great analogy. Ego literally stops the breath. Without breath, no life. Extremely effective technique on the part of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate! So, with what you’re describing, stopping, noticing, all attention in the present, breathing, all that hysteria subsides and we’re fine. We can see this clearly if we stay with your image and picture the panicked person trying to gulp air while under water. Bad choice. Good choice is to bring attention to the breathing, just as we’re encouraged to do in guided imageries—all the attention and awareness on the breath—until the body, mind, and emotions calm. Gasshō
 
When we talk about working on the process, not the content, I just saw that my feelings are also content. Wow! Even though I saw before that my feelings were "weather," I didn't see that that makes them content. They are not me!
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They are not “you.” There’s an ancient reading we used to use as a guided imagery, but somehow have lost, that goes through: I have a body and I am not my body; I have emotions and I am not my emotions; I have a mind and I am not my mind. Absolutely so and realizing that is the entire point of awareness practice. We’d be well-served to reframe it as: I have a body and I am not the body, etc. We are the “I” animating form. The pursuit in practicing awareness is to “know” what that “I” is. Big hint: It’s not the ego! Gasshō
 
Anxiety is trying to control, lie and hide Love. Anxiety distracts with stories of fear and never ending torture. Anxiety doesn't last. When attention is on sensations they are amplified and extended by the hidden, simultaneous immediate story of what has happened in the past or what will happen next.
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That’s an apt description. What we’re able to do with directing the attention and practicing awareness is to tease apart what seems to be one giant ball of misery. Control, distraction, fear, amplified sensations, horror stories of past and present—all seeming to hit simultaneously. As we pay close attention we begin to see the gaps, the relationships, that hold the whole suffering mess together and make it appear to be one thing. And, most important of all, we have a growing realization that what “we” are is the awareness that is seeing it. We’re not doing it and it is not what we are. In fact, it has nothing to do with us. Gasshō
 
When I brought the situation, bodily sensations and stories into the circle of acceptance, "anxiety" was replaced with curiosity. Not what I had anticipated! Now whatever promotes "anxiety" becomes a place to explore all its components (whether or not 'I' like them) in the spirit of inquiry. R/L Gassho
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That’s it. What we get to catch on to is that what “I” doesn’t like are the most interesting places to explore! True? Hmmm… why not look at that? What’s hiding there? Let’s have a looksee. Ego screams bloody murder and our smile gets broader. Gasshō
 
I realized the truth of this exercise immediately. Beneath were stories of inadequacies, "shoulds" and also a very real grief about a recent loss.  But I saw through the label to actual l, less scary, truths 
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Without the lying blah, blah, blah of ego’s stories, a life experience such as grief is easily welcomed. There’s loss, there’s disappointment, there’s sadness. We can be with a person going through those kinds of experiences. They can be among our most loving. With ego? Everything is awful. Even what starts out apparently “good” quickly turns “bad” with egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate at the helm. Gasshō
 
Headline: From Anxiety to Curiosity: the magic formula. Notice that when I look at the snakes but don't listen to them, I see something new and interesting. Often the grip is strong and the movement to listen takes longer now, but that's changing too the more I look. Gassho R/L
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As it will continue to do! Yes. Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate screams, “Don’t look! You can’t face it! You won’t be able to stand it! It will be too horrible!” You look. You don’t die. You’re fine. Time passes. The ego grip strengthens. Something happens. “Don’t look!” Wait a sec. That’s familiar. What was that? What happened? Curiosity. You look. Ah, yes, I remember. That’s interesting. More curiosity. And so we move along the path from suffering to freedom and joy! Gasshō
 
I believed that anxiety was less detrimental than fear and even sometimes helpful. Seeing now that it's an ongoing life suck. Also finding it harder to see than "bigger" sensations. Like it's always there. When I see it, it gets bigger before disappearing. Subtle til it's exposed. A bully. R/L
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Amen to that. Ego is a bully and it does its worst with small children. Are we small children? Yep, we are small children in big bodies until we do the awareness practice that lets us realize what we are authentically. We step back into a larger awareness. We see the lies we’ve been brainwashed into believing. We’re able to see the process of distraction, misdirection, and out-and-out lies that keeps us in that terrified little child mode. We’re no longer identified with that vulnerable little person. We’re seeing from conscious, compassionate awareness, and we want to release that defenseless, innocent being from suffering. That’s what we’re about, huh? Gasshō
 
Anxiety Caught Impersonating Fear - Terrorizing Millions. Upon investigation and hearing of its testimony, nothing was found to be wrong and anxiety was released. Witnesses reported finding new mirrors and glasses by which to see. In short, FEAR can show as: F(epithet) Everything And Run or Face Everything and Recover. 
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When we say “ego is fear” and “fear is ego,” you know what we mean. As just discussed with your neighbor, the scam works only as long as we don’t know what we are--conscious, compassionate awareness, and believe what we’re not--egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. Ego is fear and when we can be made to fear, ego has us. The beauty of practicing awareness, of coming to conscious awareness, is that we get rid of both ego and fear at once! Such a deal. Gasshō
 
My main source of anxiety lies in people and my dogs; constantly questioning myself on how I said something, were they offended by it, could I have done or said something differently. I know it's just another manifestation of my self-hatred but that's the main offender. Thank you.
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You are very welcome! Now, here’s the deal: None of that has anything to do with you—except that you’re clearly a kind and caring person. “You” don’t question “yourself” on how you said something, were others offended, could you have done or said something differently. That’s not “you” doing the questioning, although “you,” being a good person, take on the questions. What is doing the questioning is, you’re correct, egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate; however, it is not “your” egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. Would ego like for you to own all that? You betcha! It wants to beat you up and convince you that you’re beating up yourself. Not just you, of course. It runs the same miserable program on every human being. But we don’t need to take it on. That’s what practicing awareness gives us—distance. The ability to step back, disidentify, and watch what ego does without taking any of it on or personally. Gasshō
 
Anxiety is like water ingress - it will always be there and will find away through. By conscious awareness we can manage the risk but watch out - it appears in disguise - not just fear but anger, pain, depression, obsession, distraction, procrastination. Management is important but not easy work
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Well, actually, no. Anxiety doesn’t need always to be there. It finds a way through because we haven’t realized what it is, how it works, how to disidentify from it, and how to redirect the attention. There is no “we/I” who can manage the risk. That would be the ego/I and it has no interest in anything other than gobbling up attention. We need to pay attention, but we don’t need to “watch out” because “watching out” requires a “someone” who will do that and that “someone” will always be ego. Indeed, ego manifests/masquerades as a number of “contents,” but the process for putting an end to ego is the same in each appearance. Again, “management” requires a “manager,” and that manager is only ever going to be egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. We practice awareness to put the ego out of business, not to give it job security. Gasshō