Conversations with the Guide

Anxiety Assignment 1 - Batch 1
3/16/2023

Anxious about developing dementia. I'm forgetful, my mind goes completely blank, I lose track of where I was heading, my heart races and my body tingles. Will I lose the ability to direct attention and practice awareness?  Practice makes me happy! I don't want to lose it. Gassho R/L
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The very good news is that we can lose our mind completely and be perfectly fine and happy. In fact, a strong argument can be made that it is only when we lose our mind completely that we can be perfectly fine and happy! (It is my experience, by the way.) How can this possibly be? There are two minds involved. The first is what’s called Whole Mind or True Nature or All That Is. It’s the “THAT” of That Thou Art. The second is what almost everyone believes is the mind—ego. Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate has taken over so completely that, as we’ve all noticed, it is difficult to sense, recognize, or become aware of Whole Mind. We get a taste of it in the space between the thoughts. We feel the power of it in what are called “peak experiences.” This one we cannot lose because it is what we are. The second one we can lose—by choice! This is a very good thing. Here’s an encouragement: When the mind goes completely blank, stop and pay attention. What you’ll realize is that while thoughts are absent, awareness is full and complete. The racing heart and tingling body are the results of fear brought on by ego shooting a jolt of adrenalin through the system with the thought “I FORGOT. I CAN’T REMEMBER WHERE I WAS GOING!!!” Direct attention away from ego’s fear-mongering and toward awareness and you’ll see that you have nothing to lose that you would want to keep.  Gasshō
 
When I feel anxiety it is because I'm projecting some event or situation that I think might happen in the future. Then I tell myself, right now I'm ok. Back to this here now!
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The difficulty with this absolutely accurate approach is that so often folks don’t realize what’s happening. They get caught up in the story, the ego projection, and don’t realize they have a choice to drop it all and come to presence. This is why recollecting is the focus of this year’s yearlong retreat. Gasshō
 
Headlines: "Fear underline cause of ‘anxiety.' " Noticed two places, when conditioning says hurry up, and when it says you're in "danger" of doing something wrong. Everything in me speeds up, blood, heart, brain. Notice it, stay with it, breathe. It subsides. It's like being underwater then rising to the surface. R/L
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Great analogy. Ego literally stops the breath. Without breath, no life. Extremely effective technique on the part of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate! So, with what you’re describing, stopping, noticing, all attention in the present, breathing, all that hysteria subsides and we’re fine. We can see this clearly if we stay with your image and picture the panicked person trying to gulp air while under water. Bad choice. Good choice is to bring attention to the breathing, just as we’re encouraged to do in guided imageries—all the attention and awareness on the breath—until the body, mind, and emotions calm. Gasshō
 
When we talk about working on the process, not the content, I just saw that my feelings are also content. Wow! Even though I saw before that my feelings were "weather," I didn't see that that makes them content. They are not me!
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They are not “you.” There’s an ancient reading we used to use as a guided imagery, but somehow have lost, that goes through: I have a body and I am not my body; I have emotions and I am not my emotions; I have a mind and I am not my mind. Absolutely so and realizing that is the entire point of awareness practice. We’d be well-served to reframe it as: I have a body and I am not the body, etc. We are the “I” animating form. The pursuit in practicing awareness is to “know” what that “I” is. Big hint: It’s not the ego! Gasshō
 
Anxiety is trying to control, lie and hide Love. Anxiety distracts with stories of fear and never ending torture. Anxiety doesn't last. When attention is on sensations they are amplified and extended by the hidden, simultaneous immediate story of what has happened in the past or what will happen next.
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That’s an apt description. What we’re able to do with directing the attention and practicing awareness is to tease apart what seems to be one giant ball of misery. Control, distraction, fear, amplified sensations, horror stories of past and present—all seeming to hit simultaneously. As we pay close attention we begin to see the gaps, the relationships, that hold the whole suffering mess together and make it appear to be one thing. And, most important of all, we have a growing realization that what “we” are is the awareness that is seeing it. We’re not doing it and it is not what we are. In fact, it has nothing to do with us. Gasshō
 
When I brought the situation, bodily sensations and stories into the circle of acceptance, "anxiety" was replaced with curiosity. Not what I had anticipated! Now whatever promotes "anxiety" becomes a place to explore all its components (whether or not 'I' like them) in the spirit of inquiry. R/L Gassho
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That’s it. What we get to catch on to is that what “I” doesn’t like are the most interesting places to explore! True? Hmmm… why not look at that? What’s hiding there? Let’s have a looksee. Ego screams bloody murder and our smile gets broader. Gasshō
 
I realized the truth of this exercise immediately. Beneath were stories of inadequacies, "shoulds" and also a very real grief about a recent loss.  But I saw through the label to actual l, less scary, truths 
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Without the lying blah, blah, blah of ego’s stories, a life experience such as grief is easily welcomed. There’s loss, there’s disappointment, there’s sadness. We can be with a person going through those kinds of experiences. They can be among our most loving. With ego? Everything is awful. Even what starts out apparently “good” quickly turns “bad” with egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate at the helm. Gasshō
 
Headline: From Anxiety to Curiosity: the magic formula. Notice that when I look at the snakes but don't listen to them, I see something new and interesting. Often the grip is strong and the movement to listen takes longer now, but that's changing too the more I look. Gassho R/L
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As it will continue to do! Yes. Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate screams, “Don’t look! You can’t face it! You won’t be able to stand it! It will be too horrible!” You look. You don’t die. You’re fine. Time passes. The ego grip strengthens. Something happens. “Don’t look!” Wait a sec. That’s familiar. What was that? What happened? Curiosity. You look. Ah, yes, I remember. That’s interesting. More curiosity. And so we move along the path from suffering to freedom and joy! Gasshō
 
I believed that anxiety was less detrimental than fear and even sometimes helpful. Seeing now that it's an ongoing life suck. Also finding it harder to see than "bigger" sensations. Like it's always there. When I see it, it gets bigger before disappearing. Subtle til it's exposed. A bully. R/L
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Amen to that. Ego is a bully and it does its worst with small children. Are we small children? Yep, we are small children in big bodies until we do the awareness practice that lets us realize what we are authentically. We step back into a larger awareness. We see the lies we’ve been brainwashed into believing. We’re able to see the process of distraction, misdirection, and out-and-out lies that keeps us in that terrified little child mode. We’re no longer identified with that vulnerable little person. We’re seeing from conscious, compassionate awareness, and we want to release that defenseless, innocent being from suffering. That’s what we’re about, huh? Gasshō
 
Anxiety Caught Impersonating Fear - Terrorizing Millions. Upon investigation and hearing of its testimony, nothing was found to be wrong and anxiety was released. Witnesses reported finding new mirrors and glasses by which to see. In short, FEAR can show as: F(epithet) Everything And Run or Face Everything and Recover. 
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When we say “ego is fear” and “fear is ego,” you know what we mean. As just discussed with your neighbor, the scam works only as long as we don’t know what we are--conscious, compassionate awareness, and believe what we’re not--egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. Ego is fear and when we can be made to fear, ego has us. The beauty of practicing awareness, of coming to conscious awareness, is that we get rid of both ego and fear at once! Such a deal. Gasshō
 
My main source of anxiety lies in people and my dogs; constantly questioning myself on how I said something, were they offended by it, could I have done or said something differently. I know it's just another manifestation of my self-hatred but that's the main offender. Thank you.
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You are very welcome! Now, here’s the deal: None of that has anything to do with you—except that you’re clearly a kind and caring person. “You” don’t question “yourself” on how you said something, were others offended, could you have done or said something differently. That’s not “you” doing the questioning, although “you,” being a good person, take on the questions. What is doing the questioning is, you’re correct, egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate; however, it is not “your” egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. Would ego like for you to own all that? You betcha! It wants to beat you up and convince you that you’re beating up yourself. Not just you, of course. It runs the same miserable program on every human being. But we don’t need to take it on. That’s what practicing awareness gives us—distance. The ability to step back, disidentify, and watch what ego does without taking any of it on or personally. Gasshō
 
Anxiety is like water ingress - it will always be there and will find away through. By conscious awareness we can manage the risk but watch out - it appears in disguise - not just fear but anger, pain, depression, obsession, distraction, procrastination. Management is important but not easy work
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Well, actually, no. Anxiety doesn’t need always to be there. It finds a way through because we haven’t realized what it is, how it works, how to disidentify from it, and how to redirect the attention. There is no “we/I” who can manage the risk. That would be the ego/I and it has no interest in anything other than gobbling up attention. We need to pay attention, but we don’t need to “watch out” because “watching out” requires a “someone” who will do that and that “someone” will always be ego. Indeed, ego manifests/masquerades as a number of “contents,” but the process for putting an end to ego is the same in each appearance. Again, “management” requires a “manager,” and that manager is only ever going to be egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. We practice awareness to put the ego out of business, not to give it job security. Gasshō