Conversations with the Guide

Anxiety Assignment 1 - Batch 3
3/18/2023

That which you fear is causing you to fear. The process that presents itself as preventing anger and self-hate is creating the anger and self-hate. Underlying belief: the world is hostile, "I'm" not adequate. "I don't know what to do" (in a forlorn, little voice) triggers this process. R/L Gassho
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That’s it. As you have obviously seen clearly, that “forlorn, little voice” is not signaling a little person in need of help and support; it’s triggering not only fear but also all the anger and self-hate required to keep a person in misery. Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is narrating a constant story of what a bad, hostile, dangerous place the world is, full of bad, dangerous people. Then it offers the solution to this horrible situation—stay home and sit on the couch with it! From this distance it’s easy to see how this happens, isn’t it? The ego voices in the head tell the horror stories, pointing out all the evidence of awfulness. Not just with you, with everyone! So, we have all these perfectly fine human beings living in terror of one another, feeling under threat, believing they’re in constant danger, being told what they need to do to survive. We each become more isolated, more self-centered, more dangerous and cruel, not because that’s how we are, but because that’s how we believe we have to be to survive this hostile, alien environment! All lies. All in place simply to feed an insatiable hungry ghost of an ego. We don’t usually make movie recommendations in this practice, but for all its wacky moments, “Everything Everywhere All At Once” is quite a remarkable awareness practice film, exploring this very process. Gasshō
 
As I looked at the process behind anxiety, I saw a bunch of conditioning spouting a bunch of stories to scare me. One of the big ones is reviewing everything I need to do at work with the underlying belief that I'll never get them done, then problem-solving. Gassho. R/L
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All with one purpose: Keep the human being out of the present, out of the moment in which happiness is and ego is not. Why do we fall for it? We know better, don’t we? Yes, but over and over again we get pulled inbecause we’re good people. We suffer as we do because we care, not because we’re bad, wrong people who need to be punished. That’s a huge piece of the lie. “This bad stuff is happening to you because you’re a bad person, a wrong person, and you need to be punished so you’ll change and be better.” NO. This suffering happens because we are good, kind, loving people, and what we love is being used against us. In your case, you really care about doing a good job. You want to get everything done and done well. True? So, ego can torture you with threats of not being able to do a good job. Once we’re afraid, we’re easily controlled. I’m scared and I’m looking for someone to help me. Ego is right there to help me out! I’m conditioned to be so grateful “not to be alone” that it never occurs to me the help is never forthcoming and I remain in the same suffering place year after year. Well, not the same exactly, because, as we’ve all noticed, the stress takes a terrible toll on us. The good news? We only need to see it, get it, once, and we’re well on our way out of the trap. Gasshō
 
Waiting to learn about beloved cat's diagnosis and prognosis. Conditioned response is to feel anxious about results. But, practicing presence and acceptance, there are sensations and tears and smiles and cuddles, without anxiety. Anxiety seems to come from a process of pushing away: "Maybe it could still be ok??" R/L
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Yes. Anxiety, fear, dread, worry—all the same thing, right? All the same “something is going to happen in the future and I’m not going to be able to stand it.” What you’re pointing out is that when we fall for the “let me focus on and fear the future” scam, we miss the very thing we’re told we’re going to miss when this dreaded future comes to pass. “What if my beloved cat dies? Oh, no, I can’t stand it. It will be too awful.” That’s where I’m living. That’s what attention is focused on. It’s all made up, imaginary. The cat is very much alive! But I’m not with the cat, loving the cat, enjoying the cat. I’m off with an ego conversation in my head about how horrible it will be when the cat is dead. Once we see it, we realize it’s insane! Until we do, that whole process can be presented as the good, right person way to be. “I care so much. How can I not be miserable about the thought of my beloved cat dying?” It’s hogwash, but most of us have bought it. HERE. HERE is where the cat is. HERE is where LIFE is. HERE is where LOVE is. And, HERE is where we want to be. Gasshō 
 
Exercise like anxiety: when not in front of me, the experience goes underground. Schedule, exercise, eating hide it. When present, the past experience defines the present experience not the content in the present. I'm meant not to see what is actually so in this moment. Gassho R/L
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Oh, exactly! Yes, we’re never meant to see what is actually so in this moment. And, “underground” is how it’s done. Most of any given day goes by unnoticed, doesn’t it? Are we there for it? Well, sort of, but not really. We know we shower and eat and work and exercise and do chores, but are we really here for them? Not really. Days sort of slide by as we “look forward” to the moments or days when “I’ll really enjoy myself.” Most of our hours pass with us in a sort of “virtual reality” with the body in the moment while “we” are in an imaginary world, in a conversation in conditioned mind about all sorts of things that are neither here nor now. (Perhaps I’m just projecting here and no one actually has this experience? You’ll let me know?) Then, periodically, or regularly in some cases, we’re made to “come to” for a big dose of something wrong/not enough. We forget something or make a mistake or someone gives us feedback that’s painful or we get injured or a loved one has problems—whatever—and we need to “be here” for the upset. We get through that with whatever amount of suffering we survive and we return to “life underground.” Again, seeing this as it actually is, rather than continuing with the ego story we’ve been fed, can really up our enthusiasm for getting out of the head and getting into the present! Gasshō
 
Headline: Each Moment Brings Choice. The Zen story with snakes was in awareness often. I'm supposed to fight against anxiety, give in to it, be dragged along by it... not see the possibility of choice. Choices include noticing sensations, noticing being caught up in stories, and not feeling bad. R/L
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That “not feeling bad” has been enough of a theme already in the recent yearlong retreat that I’ve asked Ashwini if she will write a Musings article on it. It’s so important! The feeling bad piece is the glue that holds the whole mess together, isn’t it? I’m anxious. Again! I see it and feel bad. That’s the end of that story and guarantees I’ll be stuck right there, right where I’ve always been. However, when I have the experience you’re pointing us to—I’m anxious, again—and I see that and I stay right there with that experience of anxious, openings happen. Awareness is possible. Insights, clarity. “Hows” get revealed. Now there’s no way I’m going to feel bad because I’m excited, enthused, thrilled with the things I’m seeing. Transformation! Yes. Choice. And, as practitioners of awareness, not feeling bad has to be our first choice. As we say often, awareness (spiritual) practice doesn’t begin until the beatings stop. Feeling bad is a beating. Not feeling bad is the solvent that dissolves the ego glue! Gasshō
 
In extreme anxiety-producing situations, I can feel numerous body sensations: tightness in chest and throat, quickening heart beat and brain fog. It's difficult to know what to say or do and there's a feeling of desperation. When crisis is past, worry sets in and conditioning replays the situation repeatedly. R/L
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This is good! How is that possible?, you may hear a voice in your head asking. What you have going for you in these situations is the only thing you need—awareness. There are sensations in the body and “brain fog.” You don’t know what to say or do, and there’s a feeling of desperation. And, “You” didn’t miss a thing. All that’s happening with you and with everyone else who struggles with a “this is happening and it shouldn’t” situation—which is all of us—is that you’ve been conditioned into believing that 1) sensations mean what you’ve been taught they mean, and 2) unless ego is in control “you” are in danger. In fact, nothing “bad” happens to you, does it? You’ve been conditioned not to like, want, or enjoy those situations, but that’s not the same as something bad happened to you. Here’s another way it could be framed: Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate was shown to be incapable of dealing with life. That is a very good thing to realize! What now? Eagerly anticipate the next opportunity to be in that situation. When you are, STOP. Stop and watch closely. Bring all attention and conscious awareness to what’s happening with you. Attend wholeheartedly to all of it in expanded awareness. I project you’ll realize that it’s a whole different reality without the small mind of ego interpreting. Gasshō
 
Investigator focused on ANXIETY excavates through deep resistance to discover: old memories, future catastrophes, frozen body parts & more. All using amazing tool called PRESENCE. Stay tuned for more exciting discoveries!
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Stunning, and yes, exciting, isn’t it, to realize that all we need is PRESENCE. (Excellent use of all caps.) HERE is all we need and it’s all we want. All we’ve ever wanted. Happiness, relaxation, love, sweetness, kindness, appreciation… Name a something the Heart wants and it’s HERE. (Had to add “Heart” to that sentence lest ego slip in with its imaginary, dualistic impossibilities such as rich, famous, thin, and forever young.) Want to feel something? Get HERE. Want to have something? Get HERE. Want to be something, do something, know something? Get HERE. You’re on it. PRESENCE is the whole deal. Gasshō
 
I found a headline! Then I spent many days in my head about this response. "I'm supposed to write about my process doing the exercise? Is that right?" That was unhelpful. Helpful to really look at what's behind the curtain, as it were. gassho.
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Well, yes and no. What we are is (here we come up with a lot of fingers pointing at the one moon there are no words for) LOVE. LOVE in a form. What we struggle with is egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. What is egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate? It’s everything we’re not, but have been taught to believe we are. So, you got to see how the ego voices caught you in a loop in conditioned mind about “is that right/is that wrong?” That same system wants you to believe that process was unhelpful, but seeing that process is very helpful. That process—getting stuck in loops in conditioned mind with ego—is what keeps us from looking at what’s behind the curtain. With me? Whatever we’re seeing is helpful. Engaging with the voices of ego is not helpful. Seeing the voices of ego, hearing what they’re saying and recognizing it as lies, is extraordinarily helpful. Because the only way you can see/hear what ego is doing is from awareness. Yes? Gasshō
 
Remarkable to see anxiety as a complete loss of focus and the sense that focus can never return. Every decision in the past was wrong and inability to make good future decisions. Self hate embodied
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Indeed. It’s hideously cruel, isn’t it? Everything a human being is is used against that human being to feed a hateful, cruel system. And you’ve seen it. You’ve seen it and seen it for what it is. Now you, we, get to step back again into that larger perspective that lets us realize it’s all good. We have each learned vast amounts of stuff in our lives. We didn’t know the ABCs or how to brush our teeth or multiplication tables or how to read or play games or sports or drive a car or, or, or. Was that learning wrong? A mistake? Of course not. We accept all of those as necessary. Just how it is. We can’t be expected to know things we don’t yet know. Right? Except if we move out of the realm of “stuff” and into the realm of “you should know.” For example, you should know not to lie, even though growing up you watch the adults around you lie all the time. You should know how to be, what to do in situation after situation in which you have no experience at all. In the past you made a decision that, given everything you knew at the time, seemed like a good decision. Things resulted from that decision that you could not possibly have known about, and the voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate come in to beat you up for making such a stupid mistake. Yes? You fell in love with that person and the relationship was a disaster. Was it? What did you learn? How else would you ever have learned all that? If you’ve been reading along you’ve read the encouragement to STAY with the experience. Loss of focus. What is that? Stay with it, bringing all attention and awareness until you see it for what it is. Hint: the word we use for it in practice is bamboozle. Have fun! Gasshō 
 
As I sit with it, I see behind the story is a puppet master pulling strings to take me from center. If I can focus on the puppet master's task instead of sensations and meanings, I escape ‚All just ego trying to get me again‚ nope, not falling for that!
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Moving from “what” to “how.” Moving from being in a conversation in conditioned mind to thisherenow. My favorite example is from learning to hit a golf ball. Right at the top of the back swing a voice in the head whispers, “You’re going to miss it.” Sure enough! That’s actually a perfect example of how we get fooled into believing egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate has something to say that we need to listen to. It was right! The voice said I would blow the shot and I did. I don’t know how it knew that, but it did! No, it didn’t. All that is ever happening in these situations is that attention goes to the voice in the head, leaving no one present for action. I missed the shot because I wasn’t there to make the shot. It had nothing to do with the ego voice having miraculous powers of seeing the future! But that sort of thing has happened incalculable numbers of times through the years until it certainly seems as if ego knows. Afterward ego is right there with an “I told you so.” But it doesn’t know. It can’t know because 1) it’s a program, 2) it doesn’t exist in the moment, 3) it always comes in after whatever happens. So, yes, staying focused on the moment, being with the human being, giving no attention to the voices in the head removes all “power” from the “puppet master.” Gasshō
 
Fear of failure, abandonment. That even God would be disappointed of me. Before every action I have to make a choice: is this the best thing I should do? If not, could it get to a terrible consequence? Feeling stiff, hard, cold...longing for warm, soft, acceptance, hope. R/L Gassho 
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Please read what was just offered to your neighbor. Then, here’s a little exercise to play with. You have to make a choice. (Ah, before we get to that, would you please begin a regular, constant practice of reminding yourself that you are a really, really good, kind, caring, loving human? How do I know that? You’re agonizing about every single thing you do! Only really good people do that. So, do add that to your daily/hourly R/L practice.) Then, each time you have to make a choice, sit down with the Mentor (via R/L, of course) and go over the situation. Bring out your concerns. Explore them from every angle—every angle you have available to you! Even the Mentor cannot see the future. Then make your choice—and watch with eagle eyes every little, tiny thing that happens. Watch how the ego voices start looking for trouble, mistakes, bad outcomes, framing everything in terms of what could be wrong and how it is or will be your fault. It won’t take many of these before you’ll see the ego scam for what it is. And, just to keep in mind: We are not in control. We can agonize and let ourselves be tortured by hateful ego voices, but none of it changes the fact that we have no control over anything. Us having control and making everything go the way we’re conditioned to believe it should go is just not what’s going on here. Gasshō
 
Anxiety shows up like stomach ache, lack of appetite, head throbbing, heart racing. The feeling is only fear. The thought channel is magnified. Stories about whatever the content means invades any peace. Life or death. It must be resolved immediately or I'll die. It becomes the master. 
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Exactly so. As was suggested earlier, it’s the puppet master and we, the human beings, become the puppets. What we’re doing here is cutting those strings, right? What we’re getting to see is the breadth and depth of our brainwashing. We’ve been trained like creatures in a science lab. Bell rings and we do what we’re programmed to do. In our case, it’s not a bell, it’s a shot of adrenalin that follows some form of “Oh, no!” That first sensation triggers the thoughts, the emotional reactions, the stories, and, as you say, it’s life or death. It could be a reminder that you missed a meeting or didn’t return a phone call or there’s a mistake on a bill or or or or or. Yes? It’s exactly what happened to us when we were little kids. We had no idea what set people off, but everything seemed to be of equal importance and all capital offences! Spilled your milk, didn’t pick up your dirty clothes, got a B instead of an A, didn’t feed the dog… YOU ARE BAD!!! Yep, it has managed to turn every moment into one of life or death, and the toll on health, wellbeing, and happiness is very clear in the symptoms you describe. That’s why it’s essential not to get talked out of bringing the conscious awareness that will free us. Gasshō