Conversations with the Guide

Anxiety Assignment 1 - Batch 4
3/19/2023

I feel the sensations mainly in my midsection. They feel dark and heavy and sticky. There is a sense of something bad will happen if I don't escape. I want to face this and stay with it. My headline EXHAUSTED, BRAVE WOMAN FACES FEARS. 
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Excellent! That’s all that’s required. I truly hope folks are seeing that from this exploration. A person is terrorized, made to live in fear and dread, then one turn to shine a light on what’s actually happening is all that’s required to see and be free. And, here’s my favorite part: All the lifeforce of each EXHAUSTED, BRAVE WOMAN OR MAN is being held hostage behind the unexamined fear/dread/anxiety/worry. There’s truly nothing there except lifeforce that has been hijacked. It’s our lifeforce and instead of it being here, fueling us in a life of lovingkindness and joy, it’s being locked away in ego’s food locker! Open the doors and it’s ours. You know, for a while we regularly played with this: Wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, smile, and say, “Whatever” as we head out into the day. At the end of the day, look in the mirror, smile, and say, “Oh, well.” The point? Love the human being and lose all interest in assessing, judging conversations with ego in conditioned mind. Gasshō
 
Where are you, where am I? My neck, jaw and eyes tense up. Going to sleep, attempting to relax. Mind nags like ""am I doing this right?"" What is next in good use of my time? Space out, drop pan. Gut tight. Behind, a taunting laugh.
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Yes. So important to see how mean and nasty egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is. It wants us to believe it’s on our side, trying to help us, protect us—hogwash. It’s vicious and ugly and we don’t have to watch for long to see that. Here’s a very simple little exercise to play with: Each time you hear that nagging ego voice ask, “Am I doing this right?” simply say a very enthusiastic YES! Interestingly, the voice is saying “I” although the message is “you.” Are “you” doing this right? It’s subtle and if you watch sort of out of the corner of your eye, you’ll see you’re “being talked to” rather than being the one doing the talking. Are you doing this right? YES I AM! Then watch closely. The same ego voice questioning you about the rightness of your action is going to argue that “no, you’re not.” That’s a “Gotcha!” moment. You’ll get to see it engaging in one of its dirty little games and, at that point, you can enjoy a chuckle of delight. You’re going from hunted to hunter. Now rather than the nastiness of ego’s “games,” you get to enjoy the fun of hide and seek with Life, realizing that Life wants you to win! Gasshō
 
Anxiety attacks feel like being hit with a cattle prod and seem to come out of the blue. But I can feel ego lying in wait at the edge of awareness talking in whispers to see if it can get me to panic again in a similar situation. R/L
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Oh, that’s so perfect! It’s probably where the idea of click bait came from. Will s/he go for that? How about that? What about now? What about this? You make very clear why we must be so diligent in our practice. Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate never sleeps. Never loses focus. It distracts us, but it’s not distracted when we are. When it gets us distracted, it’s hyperalert. We have to learn to be even more alert. Yep, we’re going for Buddhahood here! Gasshō
 
Pulling apart the layers, I see that what causes anxiety for me, are the ever present ego voices. Nothing to do with content, but what is said about it. Getting anxious about writing this. Focus on the present moment, breathe, gotcha!
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Yes, indeed! Ego attempts to get us to give all our attention to content and content has nothing to do with anything. As we’re fond of saying, “It’s not what, it’s how.” What’s happening? Doesn’t matter. It’s what we’re being told by ego voices in conditioned mind that is determining our life experience. Oh, there’s another one: The quality of our life is determined by the focus of our attention. That’s what you’re describing, yes? Voices want you to get anxious about writing the response. You keep attention in the present, breathing. No problems. Just the fun of a Ha! Gotcha, you nasty little blighter. Gasshō
 
LIFE IS OUT OF MY CONTROL! claustrophobia is triggered when in a dental chair or MRI tunnel. Crushing my breath, red hot flashes up and down the spine. The story has been "Let me outta here." But now I see that's only part of the equation. I'm not in control.
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We are soooooo not in control. It sounds as if in realizing that, there’s a bit of a possibility of curiosity about the experience? Is it still possible to breathe deeply? What do red hot flashes up and down the spine feel like if there’s no resistance? We hear all kinds of stories about people being in horrifying circumstances and having transcendent experiences. What if those could be had in dental chairs and MRI tunnels? Bet the prices would go up—is it possible those things could be more expensive?  Gasshō
 
I let myself feel the anxiety and then asked "what does this behave just like?". I saw ego inflate a large & rapid experience but behind it I saw something small, simple, using the same tools every time. Headline: "ego, like the wizard, is just a man behind the curtain"
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More like a little creep behind a curtain, huh? A nasty little bully. Greedy. Wants all your life force for itself. Sometimes in practice we hear people, because people are kind and loving, either ask or opine about giving love to self-hatred, that little creep/bully. This is always discouraged because that’s simply another manipulative ploy on the part of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. What’s possible for us is to learn to direct attention so we can practice keeping attention on Unconditional Love, thisherenow, the present. The illusion of a self that is separate from Life, ego, does not/cannot exist in the present. Thus, no ego and no problem. Attempting to embrace egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate in love puts ego right where it wants to be, with our attention on it. A situation we do not want to foster. Gasshō
 
Noticing how distraction operates to avoid "unpleasant" (scary)? feelings. Any distraction will do. Am practising awareness to a) notice it, b) say "ok show me this big scary thing", c) let go! d) take a deep breath and refocus my attention on this moment. Feeling Grateful for the support. Gassho.
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You have laid out the perfect recipe for going beyond suffering! Those five steps will take us from any suffering to “just fine and grateful” every time. Hoping everyone will take this up for at least a few turns to have their own experience of it and practice their own application. Thank you. The process is much like getting a friend’s recipe for what seems a complex and high-level dish. We gather the ingredients and start through the steps. The result might be not quite what we’d hoped for, not quite the way it went for the friend, but we can sense we’re going in the right direction. We try it again. Better. Again. Better still. Now, we’re starting to gain some confidence. Soon we’re even adding our own touches, experimenting a bit. Awareness practice or an exotic dessert, the process is the same! We can master either. Both! Gasshō
 
The voice says "Really, everything is ok, so what's there to be anxious about?" but the tone is condescending and not helpful. Anxiety often slips under the radar having been subtly suppressed/masked. Also noticing anxiety can be a 5 alarm fire at the drop of a hat.
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It’s not unusual to see/hear adults “teasing” children in ways the adults find funny and the child does not. What you describe seems a variation on that theme. All conditioning is frightening at some level. You need to do X in order to have/get Y. If you don’t perform properly, get it right, behave appropriately, say the correct thing, please, meet the standard, etc., then you’re going to have a price to pay. Stress? You bet. Then we hear, “What is your problem? There’s nothing to worry about.” And, yes, the tone of voice is not kind and supportive. It’s not a, “Hey, I’m here. Just let me know if you need anything.” It’s a, “For God’s sake, get a grip! Stop your whining and get on with it!” Yes? We do everything we can to ignore our feelings, distract from facing what’s going on with us. We have no ability to deal with it, and if we try we’re thwarted and taunted. The whole thing goes underground u n t I l all that suppressed energy erupts in reaction to an ego voice in the head screaming the equivalent of WATCH OUT! Adrenalin shoots through the system and we’re left in that paralyzed, terrified place people have been describing. Now is the time for us to apply your neighbor’s recipe, especially the first two steps. Notice and bring it all out in the open. Which is what we’re doing here. Good on us! Gasshō
 
I saw something new in familiar snake story: It's a metaphor for ALL life content! Also saw that thinking breeds anxiety (seems obvious now but it was a revelation). Anxiety doesn't exist in the present moment. Conditioned mind actually scans for things to worry about, in past or future. Gassho
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Well seen! Anxiety, as with all suffering, cannot exist without thinking. Is it any wonder that in an egocentric karmically conditioned/self-hating society thinking is so important? Let’s just all stop here to take that in, please. It is not possible to be unhappy without thinking. We have to think ourselves into unhappiness. When there is no thinking—in that “space between the thoughts” we talk about—there is no unhappiness. There is only thisherenow in the space between the thoughts. HERE. PRESENT. NOW. BEING. No “one,” no “self” separate from Life, no ego, no suffering. When we’re unhappy we can observe that we are “thinking unhappy thoughts.” Those unhappy thoughts can be about the bad/wrong past or the bad/wrong future or the bad/wrong “my life currently,” but it’s the thinking that is making it all so. Your last point is an essential one for us all to recognize: Conditioned mind, ego, is always scanning for something to worry about, always scanning for something wrong/something lacking, missing, not enough. That’s the con, the scam, the bamboozle we’re attempting to find our way out of. That’s the suffering we’re waking up in order to end. Oh, and in case anyone is hearing ego voices making suggestions along the lines of, “Well, that’s swell, but without thinking how would you ever get anything done,” allow me to reassure you that ego is the process of NOT getting things done. It’s the process of fear, anxiety, worry, dread, avoidance, distraction, beatings. LIFE is the process of “getting things done.” LIFE is “doing” everything; ego is getting in the way. The Intelligence, clarity, wisdom, love, and compassion we all know exists and is possible for us is right here, waiting for us in the space between the thoughts. Gasshō
 
When I act on an anxious thought to try to alleviate the discomfort/ fix the perceived problem, the action intended to fix at best perpetuates and more likely creates the very conditions that make the thought so. 
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Wise, clear, and true. That’s precisely how it happens. What you’ve offered adds additional clarity to what was just discussed with your neighbor. It’s a loop, isn’t it? I feel anxious. I try to do something to fix “what’s making me anxious.” That simply reinforces the anxiety. I’ve just proved to the “anxiety system” that I am anxious, believe there’s a “cause” for the anxiety, and that it’s real. It’s what’s meant when someone talks about using gasoline to put out a fire. Yeah, it’s a liquid, but all liquids are not created equal! This is why we like to compare ego to a drug dealer. We buy those drugs once and we have a dealer for life! That dealer knows we can be caught in a weakened conditioned and we’ll buy again. How many times before we’re addicted and a consistent customer? Ego could tell us. Ego has done it to us countless times in ways and places we haven’t yet seen. But we are on the hunt and we will see them soon. Gasshō
 
Anxiety, you are most prevalent in my life. That backdrop of angst, even when everything seems fine. You arise subtle like a wave or violent like a tsunami depending upon how threatening my thoughts are about the triggering event. I'm trying to be present and observe rather than swept away. 
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Well, this set of responses is definitely for you, isn’t it? Sitting still. Watching. Seeing how it happens. Not trying to figure anything out. Not trying to get away. Facing it. And, what you’re talking about, what you’re catching onto is that it’s not the “anxiety” that’s the issue—it’s the thoughts! “… depending upon how threatening my thoughts are…” If any of us got text messages, notes on our front door, letters in the mail saying, “I’m going to kill you,” we can imagine we’d be getting some energy coursing through the body. Right? That’s scary. What if it’s true? We don’t know. It could happen, you know!!! That’s exactly what it’s like when the ego voices start a terror campaign about the future. We don’t know. It could happen exactly the way the voices are saying. It could be awful, horrible. We could die. What we get to see in the “be present and observe” mode you’re practicing is that nothing is happening now except a hateful “conversation” in conditioned mind designed to frighten and control us. What we’ve been scammed into believing is that those thoughts are somehow helping us, preparing us so we can avoid awful things that could happen to us. As our old t-shirt reminded us, Worry Is Not Preparation. All that getting caught in anxiety loops does is 1) rob us of this moment, and 2) have us attending to thoughts in the head when being present in the moment would have saved us! Gasshō
 
Anxiety seems experience of wanting something ('I''m not getting). Realized stopping and turning to the experience, sitting still with it, works so consistently because shifts attention away from the 'wanting' (which seems synonymous with separate-self) to Here/no separation, so no reason/no 'one' to want anything. 'It is all of me." 
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That’s a great exploration of “how” an illusion of a self that is separate from Life is created and maintained. There’s just THIS and i/I am a part of THIS. ONE. ALL. Nothing left over, nothing left out. Then that little “i,” the only “thing” with the ability to experience itself as separate/other, looks around and says, in essence, “Being one with all is not enough for me. I want more. I don’t want to just be. I want to have, to do. Yes, I used to be happy, but now I’ve tasted sugar and I want to have more sugar. I’ve ridden a bicycle and now I want a car, a faster car, a newer car, a better car, an airplane! I want. I want. I want.” And that ability to experience “other” turns into a growing desire to have, to possess that other. More. More. More. The happiness and the satisfaction of being, of being alive, of enjoying Life in the moment is in the past and receding quickly. “I want more. I feel dissatisfied. How do I know I’ll be all right? I want more so I can be sure I’ll survive. Guarantee my future. Know I’ll be okay. No. I don’t want more, I need more. I’m afraid. I need more so I won’t be afraid.” And, there we have the life story of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. Once we believe we’re ego, that the voice in the head is us and is speaking for us, we are off full-tilt in pursuit of what we’re being told will make us happy, but is instead the road to hellish suffering. Where is everything we truly, in the Heart, do want? HERE. ‘Tis why we practice awareness, isn’t it? Gasshō