Conversations with the Guide

Anxiety Assignment 1 - Batch 8
3/23/2023

As I sit and notice the sensation in my stomach, I feel the tightness. As I sit longer, it's connected to tightness in my chest and armpits. Underneath all of it is fear, fear that I will completely deflate and not have the energy to deal.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Yes! Underneath all of it is a story, a “conversation,” likely images, of what’s going to happen to you, what it all means. You’re feeling sensations, tightness and they mean “you’re going to completely deflate and not have the energy to deal.” But they don’t do they? Those sensations don’t mean anything. They’re just sensations. If those very same sensations managed to appear in your body on a bright, sunny day after a great night’s sleep you would never conclude “these mean I’m not going to survive.” It’s a program. First comes a “thought.” Very likely not a thought like the ones we’re used to, the ones in full sentences. Just one of those images, memories, flashes of something that signal danger. The reaction to that is the sensations. The reaction to the sensations is the fear—I’m not going to make it. The “deflate” is an interesting piece of the puzzle. The fear is that you will completely deflate. Why the addition of the word completely? Because you’re already “being deflated.” The egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate program is already sucking the energy out of you. You can feel the energy leaving, feel what would likely be experienced as defeat and hopelessness. Yes? You are on this! Keep watching and the power will continue to shift. Ego will no longer be able to do what it does to control you and siphon off your lifeforce. You’re now in a position to watch it, and it cannot do what it does while being watched. Gasshō

When I lead work meetings with colleagues more experienced than me, attention is easily drawn to ego's pushing of the human to say the right thing, the smart thing. If I get hooked into it, suddenly I am mumbling, dropping sentences, wishing this meeting was over! Gassho
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
What a perfect description of what happens to us when egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate grabs the attention. It’s a variation on the “you’re going to miss the shot” theme. You’re going along doing just fine…then the campaign starts. “Say something smart. You need to come up with something good.” Now you’re not with the people in the meeting, you’re off in a conversation with ego in conditioned mind. Not that you’re participating in the conversation with ego in conditioned mind. You’re watching/listening as the voices talk at you. You’re getting further behind, less in contact with the real meeting, the one in the room you’re sitting in, the one you’re supposed to be leading. Anxiety is growing. The more anxiety there is the more attention is focused on the anxiety, the nervousness, the growing panic. Yep, you’re a goner! Watching it as you’re doing makes it very clear that while we’re meant to believe all this concern about “getting it right” is to take care of us, it’s nothing but sabotage, all to feed the ego. You’re going to blow it, get a ton of abuse about what a failure you are, have to listen to endless diatribes about how you need to change, do it differently next time, getting set up for the next verse in the same old song. Fortunately, as a practitioner of awareness, you have the answer: Expanded awareness. Now you get to be in that meeting with attention on awareness. You are participating with your colleagues in the meeting, attending not only to what’s being said, but to all the signals of what’s going on with each person. You also are aware—in much the same way—of what’s going on with you at every level. You’re seeing, hearing, speaking and you’re watching what ego is attempting to do to pull you off, hook attention on it and run its slimy game. Oh, such fun! Gasshō

Anxiety is a conversation in conditioned mind. There is an event /experience/ sensation and that's that - but conditioned mind begins a relentless, often sotto voce campaign to make the case that I am in danger due to that. Tension or agitation builds in the body as a result. R/L
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
All that I was going on about with your neighbor, but so much clearer and more succinctly stated! Thank you for that. In reading the way you lay it out, we can see that much of the tension, agitation—anxiety—is simply the result of attention being pulled in two directions at the same time. “Look over here!” “No, look over there.” “No, look over here.” “No, look over there.” A lot of folks are not good at “multi-tasking.” (This is where I reference the research that showed multi-tasking is an illusion created by not actually attending to anything, but believing we are because attention can move so quickly between things. In other words, as with much that ego has convinced us is so, it’s a fiction.) Many people strongly dislike being interrupted when they’re focused on a task. It’s upsetting. Attention is tunnel vision on one thing and gets pulled to something different. No time to shift gears. Hmm… perhaps a good place to look for the “source” of that tension in the body, the stress, the sensations. Gasshō

My anxiety feels like tightening in the chest and heart pounding, heavy and uncomfortable. Triggered by fearful thoughts. Underlying theme seems to be lack of safety, vulnerability: something could go wrong that could give rise to negative consequence, and it would be my fault: control, the unknown, fear and guilt involved.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It’s a giant, unhappy, misery-producing “package,” isn’t it? The clarity with which you’re seeing this positions you perfectly for Recording and Listening. Do you have an R/L practice? Here’s why I suggest it. You are very aware that the whole thing rests on “fearful thoughts.” It is absolutely the case that what comes first is a belief that we’re unsafe and vulnerable to bad stuff happening. What came right along with being convinced that life and the world are dangerous was the lie that we can, we should, make sure nothing bad happens to us. It’s up to us. If you’re the right person all will go well. (This includes getting what you want and living happily ever after. Rich, young, thin, and gorgeous.) If you’re the wrong person, you’re going to get pretty much the opposite of what the right person gets—and, yes, it will all be your fault. Now, there is not a speck of truth to any of that. Not a bit or a smidgeon. But, we’ve all been brainwashed into believing it is truth coming directly from the Chief Deity. So, it would be a very fun experiment to replace those fearful thoughts with what’s true. What’s true? We’re all going to die at some point. Anything might happen between now and then. And, between now and then, in each and every moment, there is far, far, far (keep adding those until we hit infinity) more good stuff than bad stuff. First, we’re here. We’re alive. Let’s go from there. We have a body that gets about, senses to take in beauty, to appreciate, to enjoy. Start down that path and you’ll have joyful, TRUE, information about you and your life, and you will lose all interest in giving any attention whatsoever to fear-mongering creep voices whose only intent is ruining your/our glorious life. Gasshō

ESCAPE or you will DIE! Buzzing sensations in solar plexus, feelings of aversion labelled "dread." A story of future torture. Whispered promise: "if you don't look it won't happen." When I stay present, the intensity of escape-urge screeches: "STOP: you'll explode and die." Thankfully, also notice a gentle presence holding.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
And yet you did not explode or die. Oh, my, you don’t think those hysterical voices are lying, do you? Maybe just wrong? Well, if they’re wrong about that do you suppose they might be wrong about other things? Every thing? This is very good, isn’t it? They were wrong about you exploding. Wrong about you dying. Wrong about their predictions. Seeing all of which is what awareness practice is all about. What’s the truth? The TRUTH. We each know, in our Heart, in the Center of our Being that there is something more than the incessant nay-saying negativity of the ego voices in the head. We know happiness and beauty and goodness and kindness and generosity and compassion and LOVE! With all of that, all known to us, why do we persist in giving attention to hatefulness and ugliness rather than love and beauty? Why? It’s what we’ve been taught to do. What we’ve been programmed, trained to believe is the right way. Now we see it isn’t. Now we’re noticing a “gentle presence holding.” Now we get to choose THAT. Gasshō

(Per my good friend): Anxiety feels like pressure on my mind and body. I hold my breath to not be seen or heard. I make myself small, to avoid any attention. My mind is on high alert and I'm at war for my life. I feel hunted, wrong, and bad.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
That’s so heartbreakingly sad. It’s so heartbreakingly sad because it’s so unnecessary. There’s absolutely no reason for it. I have a child. I love my child. I adore my child. I never want anything bad to happen to my child. So, I lock my child in a room—to keep my child safe. Is my child going to be happy? (Let’s all answer that question for ourself.) Of course the person at war for their life feels hunted, wrong, bad—along with every other negative known to humanity. OF COURSE. Now we must ask the truly salient question: Is it worth it? At what point do we get it that the worst is already happening to us? What could be worse than hiding out and feeling horrible all the time? We’ve just got to risk it, right? It’s like the exploding person we heard from a bit ago. There was no explosion! No one died. What happens when we stop believing those hideous self-hating lies? We get to be FREE. We get to be ALIVE. We get to ENJOY and be HAPPY. For the LOVE of God—and Goddess—we have to RISK IT! Gasshō

The process of investigating anxiety was at first elusive: I had a hard time differentiating between all the thoughts swirling and attacking. I felt like I was in a spin cycle. Not clear cut, but what I was able to kind of see was that Anxiety is Conditioning and vice versa.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You found the off switch for the spin cycle! Excellent. Now you get to see what happens when the spin cycle is off and how it gets turned on again. This is very exciting, isn’t it? Notice, please, that conditioning wants to say you were able “kind of” to see that anxiety is conditioning and conditioning is anxiety. You didn’t “kind of” see that. You saw that! Ego would like you to spend a lot of time and effort figuring out something you’ve already seen. Don’t fall for it. The label “anxiety” is what the sensations, emotions, and stories created by egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate are called. Put together wheels and a chassis and a motor and such and we call that a vehicle. Is there any such thing as a vehicle? Not really. We could take apart all the pieces and we’d never find one called “vehicle.” Same with “anxiety.” No such thing, but we’re trained to go with labels and react accordingly so we suffer over a lot of stuff that isn’t real. Gasshō

Anxiety around my elective dental procedure this month, causes breathing to be difficult. I feel alone and fearful, but then remember that I was guided to trust this decision. I then relax, and breathe into the knowing that all is well. I let go and trust the healing process. Gassho
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
There’s much to be careful about in that approach. Or perhaps, aware of, is a better way to talk about it. We can feel “guided to trust a decision,” but that doesn’t mean the outcome is going to be what we want. All is well, but, again, that doesn’t mean all is well as we think it should be or want it to be. Letting go is crucial. Frees us up, let’s us relax and enjoy; yet, again, it doesn’t mean anything is going to go in a particular way. When we look back over our lives we can recall countless times in which we made a decision, going with the very best we could see, hoping for a particular result, ending up with a whole bunch we didn’t like/choose/want. When we come to the present, we can see how much we learned in those very situations, how we grew and changed, and how each juncture has played a critical role in bringing us here, now. Yes? We cannot control. Wishing and hoping usually precedes disappointment. We make our best call, and what we trust in is the goodness of Life. All is for us, for our wellbeing, leading us to greater freedom and joy. Might be a great deal of pain and “I don’t want this” from ego, but ultimately, as we say yes and accept, we get to appreciate the wisdom and generosity of the Life living us. Gasshō

Anxiety seems contagious. Recollect immediately breathing deeply, calming with the guide, compassion and kindness. R/L Thank You!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Contagious and, apparently, currently an epidemic heading toward a pandemic. But we don’t need to get caught up in it, and we certainly don’t need to perpetuate and spread it. It can stop with us. Will that have any great result for anyone else? We don’t know. It’s kind of like wearing a mask. The battles still rage over whether wearing a mask is/was helpful or not. Why? Well, the first, most obvious, answer is that ego thrives on discord, opposition, separation, and unhappiness. But we’ve been conditioned to want to know. Knowing is how we can be right, and being right is how we can survive. It’s kind of funny in a situation like the masks. If you think wearing a mask will help, you wear a mask. Does it help? Who knows? If you think wearing a mask doesn’t help, you don’t wear a mask. Does it matter? Well, the statistics currently are strongly on the side of, yes, masks are a good idea, which is why health care folks wear them. But does wearing a mask mean you won’t get sick? Won’t die? Nope. So, what are we talking about here? Seems to me it comes down to this: See what you feel best about. Do that. Don’t worry because you know we have no control and what happens happens. Relax. Enjoy. If nothing else, we’ll be more relaxing for others to be around. Can’t stop the epidemic, but we’re doing our best not to exacerbate it! Gasshō

Anxiety is a Matter of Perspective. What I call anxiety involves sensations in my body, often leading to fear. Old pervasive pattern. Ego make me "anxious" about getting my needs met and feeling alright about myself. Seems like an effort to survive. Ego can't control change. Embrace guides perspective. R/L
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
So perfect! It’s all a conversation about what might happen, what could happen. What if you don’t get your needs met? I bet there have been thousands of times, probably many thousands, when your needs didn’t “get met.” And here you are just fine, dandy, and practicing growing awareness. How many times have you listened to voices in the head working overtime to make you feel bad about yourself? Yet here you are getting right along through a wonderful life. It is a matter of perspective and the perspective we’re focusing on is, right here, right now, all is well. Might something go haywire down the road? Probably. It has, bunches of times. Do we want to miss our lovely NOW for an imaginary “then”? Uh uh. We’re learning to call those sensations “thrill,” “excitement,” “pleasure,” and go with enjoying the lifeforce that animates us. Yes? Gasshō

Noticing. Everything's a clue. Difference between anxiety (ego story) versus something that needs attention. Anxiety says something's wrong. When noticing anxiety symptoms, can instead ask what needs attention and attend to it because I know anxiety is a lie. Presence always knows what is needed. R/L
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
“Presence always knows what is needed.” Indeed. And we have to be HERE if we’re to know what that is, right? If we’re off, caught up in one of ego’s OMGs, we’ll miss the moment. What was in that moment will be lost to us. We miss the opportunity and here comes the beating. “You should have… Why didn’t you…” “If only you had…” Yeah, we certainly could have if we hadn’t been bamboozled into following the ego voices down one of those very familiar rabbit holes. Is this the time to feel bad? Absolutely not. (That’s the most familiar of all rabbit holes, isn’t it?) We’re going to stay right here for Life to give us “what now.” Very likely the “what now” will be clarity about what happened. Much needed clarity. The exact clarity we must have to escape ego’s “gravitational pull.” You are so correct that “Everything’s a clue.” We love a mystery, don’t we? Someone tells us the end of the book, movie, play and we’re so upset. They just ruined it! We can suspect Life feels the same way, helping us to solve a puzzle—our life, our karma, our suffering. We can bring the same attitude of eager watching to our own life that we bring to any other fascinating story we don’t know the ending to. Gasshō

Nothing seems Safe. I panicked when my friend's dog ran away. I immediately yelled and forced my frozen body and mind to move from imagining the worst possible outcomes. The dog ran to her beloved neighbor. I detached some love, and it is too frightening to lose her.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Well, that’s true. Nothing seems Safe, if Safe means “everything is going to go the way I want all the time.” If safe means “everything is going exactly as it is going all the time and I get to be here for it,” that’s another thing altogether. If we’re completely honest with ourselves, the way Life works is absolutely fine with us. Everything comes into being, exists for a while in whatever circumstances, and departs in whatever way. It has always been just like that. And, we’re quite content with that because otherwise, as my teacher once pointed out, if it weren’t that way we’d be up to our eyebrows in gnats. What we don’t want is for the rules to apply to us. Overpopulation is a problem. There are too many of us. But I don’t want to volunteer to exit and I don’t want any of my loved ones to go. Or my neighbors. Or people in my community. Or people like me. Or our pets. Or…. Global climate change terrifies me, but I don’t want to hang my clothes on the line or drive a dinky little electric car or not fly to all the places I’ve always wanted to visit. We could go on with examples for days, but likely the point is made. We want what we want when we want it. Because of this the voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate can manipulate and control us through stories of something wrong/not enough. Ego promises to deliver what we want. It can’t do that. And, even though we know it never has delivered, we go on believing because otherwise we have to face what ego says we can’t face—how it is. What a con job! Fact is, facing how it is gives us exactly what we’ve been hoping for, wishing for, and desiring all our lives. Gasshō