Conversations with the Guide

Anxiety Assignment 1 - Batch 9
3/24/2023

What becomes subordinate in awareness practice with anxiety is being present to this life. I can choose not to participate or collude in its campaign by refusing to be attendant to its ongoing messaging and instead go into sensation. Anxiety sets up choices of reaction and invisibilizes opportunities for reflection.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It’s nigh onto impossible to see the constituent components when they’re all superglued together. Anxiety is a superglue. Could be argued that all labels are. All words are. Alan Watts tried to help people to see the danger of living in words in the head by offering the image of a hungry person walking into a restaurant and eating the menu. Your choice is a good one. Drop all the “it’s thises” and “it’s thats,” and turn attention to the sensations. As you tease them apart and see past the labels, as well as the beliefs and assumptions attached to them, those constituent components will become clear and obvious. Now you’re Here. Here is where we get to see it all. Here is where we see through the ego scam and where conditioned reaction is exchanged for a response to the moment. Gasshō
 
Existential constant worry absolutely my experience. Body tense, uncomfortable. I'm talked into not taking care of body so the physical bad feeling is perpetuated. Constant repetitive what's wrong obsessing in the mind, and a feeling of digging in the heels, I get so talked into going with it. R/L Gassho
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It’s addiction. We’re all addicted to egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. We got talked out of being with our Self, long ago, way before we can even remember. We bought the lie that what we are is a person, separate from/other than the rest of life. Alone, isolated. We’re in survival. It takes us a fair bit to realize that what’s surviving is ego and that we have been tricked into making ego’s survival our priority. You believe ego is you. That system of negativity is what you believe you are. You can’t see that it’s a voice in your head telling you to worry and what to worry about, making you tense, convincing you not to take care of yourself, banging on endlessly about what’s wrong, being resistant. You can speak the language of “I get talked into,” but what you’re not seeing yet is that it is ego talking to ego. You’ve yet to realize that the only way you could know what is happening is that you’re watching it. You’re seeing it, hearing it. You’re not doing it, you’re observing it. That clarity will drop in at some point and your relationship with the whole process will change dramatically—in a moment! Until then you get to keep doing what you’re doing—practicing. Paying attention. It’s plenty and it will take you to where in your Heart you know you’re going. THISHERENOW. Gasshō
 
Headline - "Research finds that anxiety has the ability to manifest itself through physical pain!" It causes me back, shoulder and buttock issues. It is a mutli-color blob that all mixes together to make a big black ball. Through causing pain, it has the ability to capture all my attention.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Well noticed, clearly stated. Yes, it does. A while back we were talking about ego as the superglue that will take disparate threads and solidify them into a nasty ball of misery. Or pain. I truly hope you will stick with this exploration, and I hope everyone reading along will join you. Because what you’re catching on to is HUGE. In the moment, when we’re Here, with Life as the moment unfolds, everything we need is available to us. Everything we want is also available to us, but that’s a slightly different discussion. You feel a twinge. Attention goes to the twinge. What is it? You don’t know. At that point you can watch conditioned mind kick in with all sorts of “answers.” The more you watch, the more you will realize the ludicrous nature of the process. Ego is throwing any and everything at it. You will quickly see that all the suggestions are ones that will trigger you. Yes, that’s very difficult to see because the things that trigger you, trigger you because you believe they’re real and true. Brain tumor. Cancer. Gonna be crippled. Whatever is the worst a person can imagine is going to be the result of that twinge. Now, it’s got a person. Right? But what’s the alternative? Should we just ignore it? What if it really is serious? Well, it might be, and our best chance of knowing whether it is or isn’t is staying present, in the moment, with Life, where the Intelligence That Animates is informing us. Not where it WILL inform us, where it IS informing us! There’s a balance we can find when we’re following Life’s guidance. We’ll be able to take care of what needs care and ignore the rest. This applies to EVERY aspect of Life. Gasshō
 
Looking through the looking glass and don't know who is there, my partner or me. Is my partner me or me her or someone else? "There is no self and other as the awareness of pure undisturbed consciousness slips into all consciousness." Gassho
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Well, I’m not sure this is what you’re wondering, but it will be an excellent thing to explore, win, lose, or draw. Everyone is you. Everything is you. You are projecting all of it—you, her, them, that, those. All of it. There’s only a looking glass and no way through it. There’s nothing on “the other side.” There is no other side. There’s only thisherenow and no one to step back and see that. We can be it, but we can’t see it. So, what to do? Nothing. All we’ve got is “pay attention.” Pay attention and we’re at the vantage point: Awareness. Those questions about you and your partner are being asked, wondered about, in conditioned mind. That’s a terrible place to be unless we really do want to keep on suffering. Slipping into all consciousness is possible when we let go ego noodling and get HERE. Gasshō
 
Awareness is operating all the time. All I need to do is bring myself to the assignment/experience/material. Awareness does the rest. In contrast to ego story, "I have to everything by myself." What I'm not meant to see is revealed: How supported I am in this moment. R/L Gassho
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
BINGO! Now, write that bingo in really big letters, color it in bright colors, hang it up where you will see it all the time. (Paint a wall with it!) That is so it. And, here’s the best part of all: That’s true not just in “this” moment. It’s true in every moment! Gasshō
 
"Don't take your eyes off the snakes" has shown me ’anxiety' is ego self-hate. It's always there, using any means to keep me scared and controlled. ‘Anxiety' is an opportunity to see it. Other ‘fear' is more subtle, and under the radar, but equally if not more dangerous. Gassho R/L
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Great point. We sort of get dulled to the milder forms of ego control, don’t we? After a while we don’t even see fear for what it is. It’s just being careful, cautious, concerned, intelligent, responsible. It can even be framed as paying attention, aware. Life is dangerous. We have to be smart about things. Yes. It’s more dangerous because it operates so completely under the radar as our friend, confidant, and supporter. My pal, fear. Anxiety, of course, would love to be perceived in the same way. Anxiety is there when things REALLY ARE scary, REALLY ARE dangerous and threatening. When we REALLY DO need a big warning in a hurry. Except, as we’re noticing, fear is controlling people and anxiety is killing people. Is the expression that the cure is worse than the disease? Blessedly, we can realize we don’t need either of those “supports.” We have Life and there’s nothing to fear in Life.  Gasshō
 
I noticed that my "anxiety" was mainly based on the fear of not being able to handle what was in front of me or what might come later. The sensations of clenched teeth, tense stomach, and hunched shoulders felt similar to what I feel when experiencing worry and dread. 
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Yep. All the same thing: worry, dread, fear, anxiety, concern, nervousness—panic. All include clenching, tensing, and hunching. When caught in any of them, what we’re unable to recall (Recollect) is that we’ve always been able to handle everything that’s been in front of us. When what might come later is an issue it’s because it’s happening now, and we’ve always been able to handle what’s happening now. Such a bamboozle! We believe what we’ve been tricked into believing, in spite of all evidence to the contrary, and we refuse to accept what is so, in spite of all our experience. Can make us feel crazy until we realize the magnitude of what repetition is capable of. This is what’s true, this is what’s true, this is what’s true. As little kids we hear that about a kajillion times and finally we give up and say, okay, it’s true—even though we know full well it isn’t! That’s not true, that’s not true, that’s not true, that’s not true. Yeah, it’s true! But how long can a little person swim upstream against a rising current? Okay. I give up. Yeah, that’s not true. And off we go into our lives knowing what we know, in our hearts, and trying to be all right living the lies. Is this true for everyone? Nope. Just us lucky spiritual types! Gasshō
 
Like the woman in the story, I often wake from sleep with the said affliction. Worry about "problems" that will, if not dealt with urgently and correctly, lead to a terrible future state. How does it feel to address these "problems" from center? That's the shift I'm going for.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Not to give anything away, but… here’s how. Ignore them. You’re in bed. You’ve been asleep. Is there anything you can do about said circumstances? No. All that’s available is to worry. Now, worrying will eventually kill a person, but what worry will NEVER do is solve a problem. Never. Why not? Because worry is worry and solving is solving and one process does not lead to another. Here’s an example one can hear people refer to regularly. Big issue. Huge problem. Agonize. Suffer. Churn the brains into mush. Exhausted. Can’t go on. Drops in: mow the lawn, wash the car, do the laundry, clean that window you’ve wanted to clean. Partway through the project, HUGE BOLT FROM THE BLUE! Got it. See it. Wow. So simple. So obvious. Know what I mean? So, what happened? Attention was locked in on a fight to the death in conditioned mind between ego and ego. That battle took up the whole universe. No room for anything else. On the way to mow the lawn/fold the laundry/polish the window, attention left the ego drama. Attention moved HERE, to this moment. As attention shifts to HERE, there’s an opening and Intelligence takes advantage of it. Solution appears. Miraculous. Years ago, a woman came to see me at the original ZC in Mountain View. She was a doctor of something or other, doing research at nearby Stanford. She wanted to check in with Zen about something she was doing. Here’s what she described: “When I have a big issue, some gnarly problem, I do all the research I can on available information. Everything I can find. Then I go into my office, close the door, put my feet up on my desk, lean back in the chair, close my eyes, and wait for the answer.” THAT is what we’re talking about! Life wants us to be successful, but won’t force success on us. We have to do our part—show up and be open. Worry is the antithesis of show up and be open. Gasshō
 
Sensations I have labeled "anxiety" intensified before my piano lesson. During R/L it dropped in to breathe into the sensations rather than go into the negative predictions about how poorly I would perform for the teacher. The sensations remained but I didn't engage with them. Enjoyed the lesson!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
That’s fabulous. I do wonder if part of the issue might be “perform for the teacher.” Is that what’s going on? Is that the reason for taking piano lessons? To perform for the teacher? Gasshō
 
Didn't recognize anxiety until It showed up around having to be prepared before getting on RLB calls and in the queue. The more I look, the more I see the subliminal program/process of worry and fear - coping and "controlling" by ignoring, pretending, and stubbornness. Eager to explore further! Gassho R/L
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Isn’t it remarkable what we don’t see?? We really are trained animals. Not “like” trained animals. We are trained animals! I wonder sometimes if what we enjoy so much about very small children and non-human animals is their untrainedness. They mirror for us what we’ve lost. What we can have again. Freedom. Looking to one’s self for direction. Choosing direct experience over “the right answer.” A little kid can stack blocks until all the adults in the room are ready to implode. Kids get “moved along” regularly because they can stay in one place way longer than the adults can tolerate. A cat or a dog can just “lie there” for long periods of time if nothing of significant interest stirs them. What are they doing? Perhaps they’re not doinganything. Perhaps they’re just being, just alive, as we were before we got information about “not being enough” and “doing” being the end-all, be-all. However, if we want to see that subliminal program/process you’re catching on to, we need to reactivate that “just being” skill. We can add paying attention, noticing, presence, if we need that to feel more “on it.” As we observe our fellow animals and little kids—more “on it” than we are, friends—we can quickly see that what they’re really “doing” is being attentive, aware, present. Yes? Gasshō
 
Often there's no voices but nauseating body sensations. I experimented with matter of fact stating what the voices wouldn't come out and say. A very direct, "Ok, what should we do about these snakes?" The sensations faded. They do not seem to standup to the light of clear direct communication.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I’ve never met an ego process that could stand up to the light of clear direct communication! That’s why communication is so very unpopular! It’s true. When people simply express, honestly with no blame or shoulds, owning their own experience, what’s going on with them, the snakes of suffering go Poof! So, why wouldn’t we all just communicate that way? Because almost everyone is identified with egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate all the time, and egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is in the business of suffering. Not feeling it. Causing it. Ego doesn’t suffer. Ego gobbles up energy, lifeforce. Lots of misery, lots of energy, lots of big, juicy meals for egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. Does that just make us stupid? Or rotten? Evil? Why would we go along with that? Because we don’t know that’s what we’re doing. We don’t think we’re identified with ego. (Suggest to someone that they are and they’ll be mightily offended. “How dare you?!”) That’s why there are two Job #1s in awareness practice. First #1 is to end the beatings; second #1 is to learn to recognize when we’re identified with ego. The second one is actually much harder than the first. That “matter of fact” communication you’re experimenting with is a powerful tool for addressing both #1s. Gasshō
 
Aggregation of external information; Mindful aware noticing of my felt-sense experiences; Readjustment of my orientation to my two primary forms of anxiety (fear-based beliefs and frustration-based solutions processing); Habitual coping mechanisms and reactions still remain in lieu of "substantive" change and adaptation; Stuck in habitual survival-oriented physiology and psychological cycles
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
To be fair, don’t we want to say that you have been stuck in habitual survival-oriented physiology and psychological cycles? If you were still stuck, we wouldn’t be having this exchange. Would we? Yes, it is possible for a person to get bamboozled into “trying” all sorts of approaches to address suffering just so ego can tick off each one with a “another one that didn’t work.” But that’s not what’s happening here, is it? If that’s correct and you really do want to have a different life experience, here’s a suggestion: Pick one thing to practice with, just one. Doesn’t have to be anything big or remarkable. If you’re in the Yearlong Retreat you know we’ve been playing with little, utterly insignificant activities such as making gasshō before walking through a door or stopping each hour for 5 conscious breaths. (We’ve done pat the top of your head or the tip of your nose 3 times—nothing is too small for us.) The point is to choose what you want to practice with and then do that. Do it for a week. It’s not to create a win/lose, feel good/feel bad situation. It’s to begin to be more present. Begin to break up those habitual, survival-oriented cycles. And it will. You’ll be more present. The more present we are, the more present we want to be. Little by little ego’s grip on us is loosening. There are those gaps, spaces where Intelligence can get through to us. We feel that. Recognize it. And we like it! Gasshō