Conversations with the Guide

Anxiety Assignment 1 - Batch 6
3/21/2023

The first hit is that there is something wrong and I need to prepare for it. Then, conditioning goes through a process of establishing a narrative that supports the premise. It then goes through a refining process, I feel somewhat numb and gird myself for impending tension. >Repeat. Gassho.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
If I’m with you here, it seems as if you not only see this very clearly, but go through it with some regularity? It’s interesting that you “gird yourself for impending tension” when it sounds as if you’re already in way a lot of tension. You can see that conditioned mind is, we could say “establishing” or we could say “creating” a narrative to support the premise. It’s true that in awareness practice we don’t ask why questions, but I have to make an exception here: Why do you indulge it? The one thing we “know” is that there’s nothing wrong. If we only “know” that intellectually then our practice is to realize it directly, to realize, in the marrow of our bones, that in a non-separate universe there simply can’t be anything wrong! Yes? Wouldn’t that be a good place to stop and bring all the attention? There’s the first hit of “something’s wrong.” STOP. That’s not true so what’s going on here? Yes? Not going off with ego down a path that it sounds you know full-well will take you to repetitive suffering. Gasshō
 
Some anxiety over forgetting to do the assignment for the required time. Did it anyway looking at the anxiety over forgetting. Another ego scam! Everything is okay in this moment. Not going to the past or future--just thisherenow. R/L
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
What a great point! You forgot to do the assignment in the required time. Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate would want to make that wrong! Failure! Feel bad! Should just quit! What else is possible for us? Well, we can tune in to where we are now, feel the sensations, recognize the labels, look to see if there’s a big problem in this moment, see there’s no problem at all, recognize it for the ego scam it is, enjoy the fact that all is well in this moment. Oh, and, by the way, since this moment is all there is—we being people who do not go off into imaginary pasts or futures, or “alternate realities” in which something is wrong—we get to enjoy life. Period. It’s not possible to be late for or to miss NOW. Gasshō
 
Headline: "I cannot figure it out!" No clue. Too diffuse. Maybe it's because it doesn't exist, I can't grab a hold of it. I hope to learn something, I am weary of the anxiety story. 
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Well, you definitely have that right. We cannot figure it out. Good to know we’re all right here with you in that, huh? “It” can’t be figured out because the only “thing” (ego) that would say it wants to figure it out (ego actually doesn’t want to figure it out) would need to get outside of “it” (LIFE) in order to do that, and while ego desperately wants to appear to be something outside of LIFE, that’s not possible. Besides which ego is an illusion of a self that is outside of LIFE. It’s not real. Imaginary. Whole ego-suffering-mess is imaginary. I was in a conversation with someone recently who has spent a lifetime in “Why would God, if there is such a thing, create such a messed-up world?” I offered as an alternative possibility what the Buddha taught: We can suffer for as long as we want, and when we no longer want to suffer we can stop. What? How? When we are identified with what we are not, egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, believing what the ego voices in conditioned mind tell us, we suffer. We suffer because we’re believing a pack of lies that are designed to cause suffering. When we see that we can redirect attention away from the suffering stories inside the head, give attention to what IS, to what we ARE, to LIFE/LOVE in thisherenow, suffering ends. The choice is ours. The only way just about anyone makes that choice is when they’ve suffered enough at the imaginary clutching little hands of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. We can suffer for just as long as we want, and when we no longer want to suffer we can stop. Gets my vote for not only a beyond brilliant, but also a kind, compassionate, loving design. And there’s nothing to figure out! Gasshō
 
Anxiety hurts my body. I become stiff and tight. i shake, then move around quicky. the movement relaxes me. my thoughts are going a mile a minute. my body, mind and spirt connect with adereline. the past becomes present. This exercise revealed that I am addicted to the anxiety.  OMG
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Well, as you continue to watch I suspect you’ll fairly quickly see that ego is the addiction that manifests in one form as anxiety. Ego is the first addiction. Addiction # 1. The sub-addictions are all the addictions that feed that primary addiction. Yes, food, alcohol, drugs, sex, exercise and also distraction, busyness, urgency, catastrophizing, guilt, and such. All the compulsions that capture attention and drag it into conditioned mind. On a recent Yearlong Retreat call we were talking about them as “click-bait.” A word, an image, a memory passes across the screen of the mind and attention is snagged. Mostly it all remains fairly low-level. It’s just my life. Sometimes I’m busier than other times, sometimes there’s nothing and I feel a bit restless or bored, sometimes I’m exhausted and just want to hang it all up and sleep on a beach for a year. Sometimes, there’s a giant jolt of OMG!!! that shakes the foundations and rattles the rafters. It usually “comes from out of the blue,” unexpected, surprising, shocking. Not every moment. If it happened regularly, we’d get used to that and stop seeing it for what it is. It’s just often enough to make sure we keep the attention on the voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate as they tell us what’s wrong, what’s to be feared, and how to stay safe. Are you with me? The whole system is meant to keep a human being in the business of the care and feeding of an imaginary ego. I often compare us to farm crops. Ego is the farmer harvesting our lifeforce for its use and profit. Creepy, but quite accurate. Gasshō
 
Headline: "Area woman sues lifelong swindler; awarded full restitution." Process: Dissected one anxiety/day. Utterly bored by Day 10. Same old story: "You're hopelessly inadequate and must avoid, hide, and be afraid." Noticed ego has habituated the mind to seek things to worry about, be ashamed of. Gassho. R/L
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You make my previous point perfectly! For the farmer-ego, companion planting and crop rotation is essential. Worry and shame pair so beautifully, don’t they? I worry that I’ll do something I’ll be ashamed of. Inadequacy and avoiding/hiding are another marvelous companion crop. I have to hide out and avoid because I’m inadequate and hiding and avoiding keep me from anything that would allow me to experience adequacy. And we’re trained to go along with the whole thing. “Don’t worry,” oozes the slimy voice of ego in the head, “I’ve got you. You to stick with me, and I’ll make sure you’re okay. Oh, and, yes, pretty soon, soon as you become the person you should be, you’ll be happy.” That would be a massive load of fertilizer! Gasshō
 
Beneath every surface content, accompanied by a desperate desire for distraction, lurks the understory, "Everyone hates me." What I've seen with this exercise is another layer: "...and I'm helpless in their presence." (If I'm hated, but powerful, what's to fear?) Despite the belief, this assumption of inadequacy contradicts reality.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Inadequacy is not the issue!!! It’s an illusion—we could say a delusion—that everyone hates you! Ego hates you. Ego hates the possibility that you will realize it’s the only thing that hates. Here’s what we all have to get sooner or later: We’re just not that important. Almost everyone I’ve ever talked to believes that when they walk into a crowded room everyone in the room is looking at them, watching them, judging them. NO! Identified with ego, we’re obsessed with our self, but no one else is. We’re lucky if other people give us a single thought in a month! (Trust me, I know whereof I speak!) Here’s another point to consider: I know you. I don’t hate you. I know other people who know you and don’t hate you. In fact, we like you! So, who and where is this “everybody” who hates you? They don’t exist except in ego’s fantasies. I promise you that if you drop that story, the whole thing will disappear. How about this? The ego voices instead of saying “Everyone hates you” switch to, “You need to shoot up heroin.” Would you believe them? Of course you wouldn’t. If they said, “You need to eat only sugar,” would you? Why then have you decided to devote your life to this equally bizarre message? Gasshō
 
Things will go wrong and you'll end up alone seem to be the headlines of my anxiety. I keep playing future scenarios in my mind, like movie scenes, of arguments, disagreements, ultimatums, fights, etc. the flavor is fear, tension, righteous indignation
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Or, we could narrow it down: The flavor is egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. The movie scenes image is right on target. The movie screen is in the mind. The ego conversation in conditioned mind is throwing images, scenes, up on the screen. You/we are meant to believe they’re real. This could happen. That could happen. True. It’s all possible, but here’s the question we must ask ourselves as practitioners of awareness: Is it more likely that “things will go wrong” and you’ll end up alone if you are present in the moment, living in unconditional love and acceptance, lovingkindness, gratitude, and generosity, OR if you are living in an imaginary “world” of arguments, disagreements, ultimatums, fights, fear, tension, and righteous indignation? Hmm… Let’s see, I’m going to project that choosing Door # 1 is REALLY going to up your chances of having the future your Heart desires. Gasshō
 
Seeing that most of the time I'm still taken over by the sensations called anxiety., like a train running downhill. I see it coming sooner though, and recognize the sensations and interpretations are familiar. My Intention: to stay with this process of investigation and see it rather than be it.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 
There we are! That’s it. The process you describe is the one that brings success in any endeavor. We stay with it. Start and don’t quit. We don’t need always to be happy about it or eager or excited or even feel particularly willing. We just need not to quit. LOVE has you in its sights! Even if our “yes” sounds weak, it isn’t. It’s all we need to carry us through. As we continue, everything about our process strengthens. You’ve heard the Gary Zukov quote: 10% of us makes a commitment (sets an intention), and 90% of the universe gets behind it. That Anxiety Express is coming to a halt! May not always seem/feel like that now, but it is. Gasshō
 
I was "anxious" that I had missed the deadline for the assignment. I have identified a process in my life of stopping and starting things so I think this is an underlying process resulting in "anxiety". When I bring presence to my "anxiety" I can forgive myself the process.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
What was written to your neighbor is definitely for you as well. The ego voices would claim that we “have a process of stopping and starting things,” but if we step back a bit we realize that while we may take breaks, we don’t stop. We actually can’t stop. It’s true that ego can cause us to drag our feet and make everything—suffering—last longer than it needs to, but even ego resistance can’t stop us. All ego can actually manage is to make miserable what could be joyful. Two items for consideration: We don’t need to “own” any of this, starting with what egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is bringing to the party. It’s not “my” anxiety. In fact, it’s not even “anxiety.” It’s a set of sensations registering in a physical form to which a label has been applied. Ego is an “ownership” machine. I, me, my, mine. Then we have you, yours. (“You” are clearly less important since “you” have only two words while “I” have four!) We can see where this quickly leads. “This” is mine; that is “yours.” Threaten anything about me or mine and I need to hate you, fight you. We have lines and laws and all the misery that flows so readily from egos carving up what never has and never could “belong” to them. All suffering results from that process. (A much larger conversation than we can have in this context, but important to see the importance of.) So, no need to let ego claim ownership of “my” anxiety. Also, and even more essential: There is no one to forgive and no one qualified to do the forgiving. That’s an ego set-up designed to accomplish what all ego set-ups are designed to accomplish: Unhappiness. Guilt. Remorse. Focus on the past and fear of the future. In a word, suffering. We’re learning. There’s no such thing as mistakes, nothing to regret, nothing needing forgiveness. When we see, we’re free. Until we see, we’re in a process of trying to see. That person who is trying to see, who is practicing to be aware, is worthy of all our admiration, love, appreciation, and respect. Oh, and definitely all our support! Gasshō
 
Looking at my experience with anxious sensations over the last week or so I saw that I am the least anxious at home and the most anxious among my best friends. A friend even asked if she could take my anxiety for me, which she immediately dropped. Looks like choice. 
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Yeah, well, everything is easier when it’s for someone else to do the changing, isn’t it? We can usually see what others need to do to fix themselves. That said, yes, it is a choice. We just don’t want to let that fact be something the ego voices use against us. Okay? Realizing the situation isn’t terminal; that we can alter our experience is an essential awareness. You’ve seen that. You’ve realized that you’re more anxious in one circumstance and less so in another. Now, without falling for the old ego dodge of “figuring it out,” you can begin to watch how and why that’s the case. First place to pay attention is to the conversation in the head. It’s likely that at home the conversation has a different tone than when you’re in a social setting. First, we get to become familiar with the tone and then we get to explore the various “flavors” within the tones. Very exciting! Subtle. A tip: Take full advantage of the recorder and the Mentor. On the way home from work have a conversation with the Mentor about your day and the “place” you’re in. Stressed? Feeling successful? Happy with things? Worried about something? Then watch as you arrive home and go through the evening. Record before bed what you saw. Next day do the same process going to work. Then apply those same tools before getting together with friends. Conscious, compassionate awareness. ‘Twill break up even the most entrenched ego process. Additional tip: Watch closely and record copiously as the ego voices throw massive amounts of resistance at this! Gasshō
 
"100% empty threats killed nobody" worrying about the past, about the future when only now exists inner judgment without a jury. this void, a swirling nothing gathering particles of mind to compose with. knowing I am filled with mistakes, letting go of perfection, and being free.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
That’s a bit difficult to be confident about following, but see if this speaks to you at all: Being free is realizing there’s only perfection, no such thing as an I, and no possibility of mistakes. Gasshō
 
The End is Near. In related news, egocentric karmic conditioning / self-hate continues its barrage of accusations, threats, and abuse. Investigators noticed no one and no thing there. Just "a tale, told by [no one], full of sound and fury, signifying nothing (Shakespeare)." Practitioner goes happy. R/L Gassho
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A tale told by imaginary, disembodied voices in the head. A seemingly endless story of wrong, fear, horror, dread, mistakes, punishment, threats, promises made and broken, blame, disappointments…. Moments of presence, of clarity bringing realization of possibilities, recognizing, identifying the lies in that gloomy diatribe. Seeing the goodness, the kindness, feelings of gratitude and generosity, a growing desire to be HERE, to choose lovingkindness, to give attention to LOVE. Old Will got a lot of it, didn’t he? We get to choose, apply, and live the clarity. Happy. Gasshō